letters, we get letters

a submission from an equally angry vendor-----


okay where do i start?

i am aggravated at the video guys who think they are photogs and the djs that also think they are photogs!!!!!!!

I shot a wedding at a venue this weekend..should I mention the dump --not sure.

anyhow before the ceremony I went up to the dj to get the usual low down. The dj tells me that when i take my photos after the ceremony he is gonna take some to put up on his cheezy looking tvs that are already in this pretty tacky looking ballroom. I'm sorry---are we at the ESPN Zone? Did I mention behind the head table are shear curtains lining the back of the wall with almost a repulsive yellow tint. They look like they have been up there for about 30 years, never changed and dyed with the vomit of drunk groomsmen.

anyhow back to the story. So I tell the dj no it is not okay but does he listen of course not. So as I am doing groups he is clicking away...not to mention my assistant is trying to step in front of him every chance they get ha! So here is the killer ---half way through the video guy too pulls out his camera and starts shooting ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

So now i shoot the couple and it is like the paparazzi.  I finally get fed up and say hey you are distracting me....in a not so nice but nice manner... well i try to be nice to this fucking prick. I then take the couple away into a field and thank goodness they don't follow!


So i get into the reception and the photo the dj took are up on his awful looking tvs....of course the photos are crap, crap and more crap. Big piles of shit in hi-def. But are guests thinking this is my work? i hope not. So i ask the dj one more time can i give you some photos to put up there? He replies, "No, house rules... i cannot  - only our photos can go up there. what the fuck?

so here it is..........

DJ's I dont get all up in your booth and plug in my ipod and play dj so dont play photog!!!!!!!

video guys: i dont get all up in YOUR coolie and pull out a video cam, so put your camera  away.

dj and video guy: if you need photos just ask i will happily give them to you the way they should look. Stick to what you do and don;t try to do it all. Maybe practice your DJ skills, as they were not all that hot either---

behold my ta-ta's

I suppose if she was a pole dancer then this is a step up---but check out THIS hooker on her wedding day. Undoubtedly those milk-filled chi-chi's will pop out of those tiny holding flaps as soon as she raises her arms to make the "Y" in 'Y.M.C.A.'---taking out someone's eye.

Children will run screaming.

Old people will die on the spot.

Men will masturbate.

The Neverending Christmas

This has nothing at all to do with matrimony, but read along and feel my pain.

I LOVE Christmas. I really get into it, kind of go overboard with decorating and really try to feel the spirit. There is no holding me back. However when it's over, it's OVER. Come mid-january at the latest, everything says bye-bye and gets tucked away into little plastic bins for a long nap until the following season.

So one of my real bad pet peeves is when people leave up decorations way past their expiration date. You know, big brown fucking wreaths still up for Valentines. Plastic snowman tipped over in the yard being pushed aside by the Spring flowers trying to pop up. Put your fucking shit away, goddammit. Milk sours after a period of time---holiday decor should do the same.

Now the first time I ever saw icicle lights was in New jersey on an old Victorian house. It looked absolutely amazing, like the house was literally dripping with light. I had never seen anything like it, and was actually kind of mesmerized by it. I thought, "Wow! Where did they get those lights?!" But like with so many things that get ruined once tossed into the stew of the mass public, suddenly they were everywhere ( kind of like pumpkin leaf bags, but that's another story) You couldn't NOT find icicle lights. You could buy them at the supermarket, for fucks sake. Once a good idea ends up in Wal-Mart, for half the price of everywhere else, you might as well bend over, spread 'em and get ready to receive it, as that good idea is now fucked. Everyone sold them, and therefore every dopey-ass shithead without any imagination went out and robotically bought them while they were buying some new Nascar pajamas for their youngin's. The most disgraceful part is the disregard with which they are now installed. No longer are they carefully placed as in New Jersey on that magical night many moons ago. Now they're crudely tossed up , hanging every-which-way, and left to dangle in the winter breeze like a set of saggy old testicles.

Which brings me to my point and my small piece of advice, which is this: DO THE WORLD AND SANTA A BIG FAVOR AND DON'T PUT UP CHRISTMAS LIGHTS IS YOU ARE TOO FUCKING LAZY TO TAKE THEM DOWN BY AUGUST. And you know who you are. I don't know where you live, but it's like 95 degrees and as humid as my ass crack after 8 hours on a Greyhound without AC. It's AUGUST motherfuckers---can you take 15 minutes and take down your damn lights already?! What is the deal...how can people pass by that shit all season and edit it out from their line of vision? Is your life so busy in between watching that lesbian Oprah brainwashing people what to read and buying collectible crap you don't need on HSN that you can't finish what you started? I mean, at this point, it makes more sense to LEAVE them up, as your closer to the holidays than not---fuckers.

that bitch deserved it---

Michigan police taser Durango newlyweds during wedding reception



how cool is this?! A bride and groom get tasered at their own damn wedding. You KNOW they were fucking white trash and brought it on themselves, right? I can see it now, Coors Light in hand, nestled in a commemorative wedding can-cozy, getting zapped and flying across the room into their Fudgy The Wedding Whale cake from Carvel---I could have used a taser at one of my last weddings for the Mom ---more on that very soon---but for now, consider adding this tool to your wedding arsenal....


The Michigan wedding of Durango newlyweds Andy and Ania Somora came to an abrupt end last weekend after the bride and groom were tasered by local police and spent their wedding night in jail.
According to a news release from the Chikaming Township Police Department, Officer Jeff Enders responded Saturday to the Burnison Art Gallery in Lakeside, Mich., after gallery owner Judi Burnison asked for assistance with unruly guests at the Somoras' wedding reception.
Burnison, who rented the gallery to the Somoras for the reception, told Enders the party had gotten out of hand, and there were broken glasses and spilled drinks.
Burnison declined to comment Wednesday, but she said her lawyer would respond to questions.
However, no call was received as of Wednesday evening.
Enders told the assembled guests to leave, but many became upset, police said. Enders called for backup, and 14 law-enforcement agencies responded to help clear the crowd. Police said that many of the 100 guests left peacefully, but several continued to be disorderly and to swear at the officers.
However, eyewitness Kacpar Skowron, a professional Chicago photographer and friend of Ania Somora, said police overreacted and ruined a perfectly good wedding.
"My perspective is that the main officer (Enders) handling it was cool at first, but then he started threatening that everybody would be arrested. But trying to kick the party out at 11:20 (p.m.) on a wedding night when we had a contract to be there? He was a big jerk," Skowron said.

Skowron said the crowd got particularly unruly after police handcuffed Andy Somora's father and put him in the back of a police cruiser. He said the elder Somora, whom he described as "a distinguished older gentleman," was trying to talk to Enders to defuse the situation.

"I didn't believe it, but I witnessed it. It was brutal, and that's when Andy got really mad," he said.

Skowron said Andy Somora had to be restrained by police and was tasered at least twice. His wife also received a shock because she was touching her husband during one of the incidents. Skowron said husband and wife were both arrested, but Chikaming police would not confirm that claim, and no mention of the use of a taser is included in the news release.

The charges against those arrested include assault and battery, disorderly conduct, resisting and obstruction of police officers, and damage to property.