we need your three million dollars

....so this fucking BULLSHIT was recently received from the time-to-get-over-themselves-Ritz-Carlton hotel of White Plains (WHITE PLAINS, for fucks sake!!! have you BEEN to FUCKING White Plains) Oooo girl - someone's pussy was all in a knot when they concocted this paperwork...This is their 4 page 'Vendor Policy' of which I shall quote distinguished highlights:

Upon arrival, all Vendors are required to check in with our Loss Prevention Department (Security) located immediately to the left after you enter through the double doors from the Loading Dock.

All event vendors carrying equipment MUST come through the Loading Dock at the ‘back of the house.’ Vendors are not permitted to load through the main (“Guest”) entrance to the hotel. (yep - enter through the hotels anus, please)

All Vendors must present valid picture identification and sign into Visitors Log.

All Vendors will receive a wrist band which must be worn at all times whilst on hotel property. (oh my: 'whilst'. So english---so classy...so sophisticated)

A $500 charge (to vendor) will be assessed for the removal of excessive trash, equipment or set up items left by Vendors after their departure that requires additional hotel labor to remove.

All food and non-alcoholic beverages are to be consumed in a designated area. (hmmmm...back to the loading dock? hallway? toilet stall, perhaps? thats always a nice place to jam food into your gullet in the 5 minutes they give you)

Vendors removing or consuming food from the guest buffets, reception stations or other designated guest-only food areas, will be charged $175.00 per person. (REALLY? FOR CUBES OF OLD KRAFT CHEDDAR CHEESE?)

AND THE CAPPER, AS IF WEARING A WRIST BAND ALL NIGHT WAS NOT HUMILIATING ENOUGH:

All outside vendors must provide a certificate of insurance with general liability coverage of a minimum of $3,000,000.00. Certificate must also list The Ritz-Carlton, Westchester, The Ritz-Carlton Hotel blahblahblah

NEVER--EVER, EVER (is that clear enough?) HAVE I OR ANYONE I AM AWARE OF BEEN ASKED TO PROVIDE THAT MUCH INSURANCE COVERAGE. What gives? Do they suspect i'm bringing in a Uzi? (although these rules are certainly enough to make one consider that...I wonder if Target sells them?...I have a gift card I need to use)

Do they think i'll go on a rampage. Its a C A M E R A for the love of god. You know? snapshots. clickity-click-click??Family memories.... Does a doctor opening up ones scalp to poke around a throbbing brain go through this much?

Yep - nothing like setting a positive tone with you in advance if the event. Nice job, people.