Bridal Must Haves

...an expression as passive-agreesive as "please advise", MUST HAVES is the latest aggravating bridal expression no doubt coined by all the fucking wedding rags that fill brides heads with deluded, unattainable dreams.

You know - you'll get that email with something like, "...and these are my photo 'must-haves' :) " with that mutha-fucking smiley face to diffuse the point that she knows how damn cunty she's being. But I suppose putting it in quotes diminishes the bitchiness somehow.

There are a LOT of things I MUST HAVE--just a few of which are listed here:

1. a pretty bride
2. a dress i haven't seen 20 other weekends
3. a dress that has been properly altered so you're not pulling up your tits all night long
4. flowers that are actually interesting and not from a grocery store
5. bridesmaids that FIT in their dress
6. a bridesmaid group MINUS the inevitable 'sad fat one'
7. kids that fucking behave
8. a wedding party with under 23 people in it
9. a DECENT room to photograph getting ready shot in, that actually has a window and this interesting thing called 'light'
10. a priest thats not a fucking dickhead
11. a church that is lit more than with 5 votive candles
12. groomsmen that are not all drunken douches
13. groomsmen who won't call me 'photo guy'
14. less than an hour drive between venues
15. a wedding someplace that is not a wedding factory
16. a wedding that has actual creative thought put into it, of which mirrors on the tables with sprinkled rose petals do not count
17. enough time for formals
18. did i mention an attractive couple?
19. howz about a meal at some point (thats whole other story)
20. to not be tapped on the shoulder all night being asked "HEY!!! Take THIS picture!!!"
21. less than a 12 hour day as really, lets face it, your wedding and you are not all THAT interesting.

Oh---surely I could go one forever, but Brides Of America--consider these demands before you ask me for your fucking Must Haves. March right into the bathroom and throw out all those stupid old copies of Modern Bride right now...your head is already filled with enough stupidity.

"It's Christmas - come work for us!"

At times it's hard to believe how obnoxious people are with their expectations and lack of consideration for any 'life' you might have out of photographing their fucking events. Aside from a bride wanting to stop by after Thanksgiving to 'discuss photo options' for her fucking 2012 wedding (REALLY?? are you bringing me a dessert? Its not until next summer and you need to interrupt MY weekend with your asinine 'thoughts' all stolen from The Knot?), the latest offense is one of wanting photos done Christmas Eve.

Now I don't know about YOU, but i'm usually VERY busy Xmas Eve. Generally I wake up around noon next to an empty bottle of scotch, masturbate onto the christmas the to mimic new fallen snow, then dress up as Santa and go to the mall food court, where I drop my pants and await the arrival of security. Why? FOR ATTENTION obviously, because I have NOTHING THE FUCK ELSE TO DO. Except--oh! yes...photograph your greasy, baloon head family on a holiday. Though apparently I am the only one who sees that day as part of the holiday.

I will come over there so fast, snatch that menorah out of your twat and slap you across the face with it you selfish cunt. How about I arrive at about 2 am, as that's convenient for ME. Are there any other ways I may serve you, your Highness? I'll bet you also expect the images up online by Christmas morning so everyone can look at them for 2 minutes and then never order anything. I'll get right on that.

You know what else i'm getting right on?

NOT calling you back...