There is a ridiculous wedding venue 'castle' in Connecticut - why it even exists I have no fucking idea. It's filled with bizarre labyrinths, doorways you have to leave the building to access. There is more hideous wood carved furniture than at a Vermont Hipster Woodworkers fair.
And stables.
There are horse stables...inside. Filled with fiberglass horses standing guard to haunt your dreams. I kid you the fuck not.
Yet this mish-mash-monstrosity is a very popular and expensive wedding venue, I would guess because all these fucking girlies dream of being a Fairy Princess (in Central Connecticut, of course) and this dump is the closest they will get, as soon after the wedding they will be relegated to living with their Past-drinking asshole husband in a tiny cape house off the merritt parkway
And really - who am I to judge - good for them.
But lets talk about the food. Both the vendor as well as the guests food. Horrible, stale cold-glop served with a friendly flourish (i'll give them that) - but still uneatable nonetheless.
First course: Mystery garlic pasta with red things in it.
Of course we couldn't SEE what we were eating as we were LITERALLY eating in one of the stables with the plastic horses watching us from the pen next to us. Dim purple LED lighting left over from their Halloween haunted house was ll the light we had to see this pasta-horror. Were those sun-dried tomatoes? Severed fingers? Who knew - all we DID know was that the one side of our plates were luke warm, the other ice cold. Not 'cool' but chilly-ass cold. So heavy was the garlic and cream that it was like eating a cold clove of soggy mushed garlic.
One we were done eating this shit, the waitress brought over cheese, which I was ready to eat out of the bowl with a spoon as a consolation prize.
Second course : lumpy salad greens with cheese nuggets
In all fairness this wasn't that bad, as how can you fuck up a salad? But the salads had some sort of lumpy pieces that again, in our haunted-house lighting were impossible to see.
This and Final Course: 'steak', salmon and eggplant parmigiana
I'll start with the steak which deserves 'quotes' as I had no idea what it was. As grey as an old hookers pussy, this thing looked BOILED rather than grilled or even pan browned. The fancy potatoes (obviously piped out of a pastry bag) were so HARD and cold, we were able to pick them up as a solid piece. I don't know about you, but i'm accustomed to mashed potatoes that you can eat by the forkful rather then nibbling pieces off the edges like an old sandwich.
The salmon was also as frigid as the bride will be in 6 months. Also full of bones, which again - you could not see due to black-light mood lighting terror atmosphere. It was a Heimlich Evening waiting to happen.
And finally the eggplant parm : a strange disc of sauce and eggplant from outer space. Part hockey puck, part Italian scented doorstop, this thing was also ice cold, dry and full of a weird grainy texture. Is beach sand now an ingredient in Italian cooking? It is at this Mighty castle of delights.
Now you may think its just us being sour vendors ( imagine! ). However once we all decided what was placed in front of us was uneatable and we'd pushed it aside, a GUEST walked by and said, "How's the food for you guys?... as BAD as OURS was?"
For what these dumps charge all the time trying to be 'really fancy' - they should be ashamed of them selves for serving such shitball food. Stop it with the silly white glove service and bells and whistles & cook something people can EAT!!!
Someone get me the Lord of this fucking castle on the phone--I need to have a few words with him about his cooking staff.
And his fiberglass horses.
