'must have' wedding photos

MUST HAVE PHOTOS 

 my extra-special version

Ceremony 

•  The processional
  
•  Readers
  
•  Priest out of robe
  
•  Priest getting into robe
  
•  Priest in robe
  
•  Priest and young boys at altat
  
•  Young boys at lawyers 20 years later
  
•  Bride and groom saying vows
  
•  B&G exchanging rings
  
•  B&G swappin' spit
  

Before Reception @ restaurant as the sun goes down but not before we’re announced at the rear of the church before we enter the dining room on Thrursday unless it’s raining

•  At waterside
  
•  Bride taking shoes off/hiking dress over head
  
•  Groom’s disgusted face
  
•  Bride slapping Groom
  
•  B&G facing water
  
•  B with each attendant (water at back – close up...try to get some of the ocean but not too much as I don't want to see spaces in between the bodies but still want the feeling of the ocean, and I want them in height order but loose and casual...ok?)
  
•  G with each attendant (water at back – close up)
  
•  B&G with various strangers from the street
  
•  B&G with groundskeepers and lifeguards and crabs from the ocean
  
•  B&G with waitresses
  
•  B&G&H&D&F&K&T with everyone
  
•  Whole party staggered at waters edge
  
•  Whole party as they fall into ocean
  
•  Flowergirl drowning
  
•  Everyone laughing! OH! THE FUN WE'LL HAVE!
  

Reception

•  Entrance
  
•  Toasts
  
•  First dance – do NOT stop us for the picture!!
  
•  Bride and father dance – do NOT stop us for the picture!!
  
•  Catering hall on fire – do NOT stop us for the picture!!
  
•  Groom falling on dry ice splitting open head– do NOT stop us for the picture!!
  
•  Groom and mother dance
  
•  Groom and Mistress dance
  
•  Bride and lesbian affair dance
  
•  Cake table
  
•  Cake-cutting ceremony
  
•  Couple feeding cake
  
•  Couple shitting out cake in 8 hours photo
  
•  Bride taking a piss during reception
  
•  Groom masturbating in bathroom
  
•  Bride fucking bestman in hallway near kitchen
  
•  cunty bridesmaid having cigarette outside
•  Grooms mother changing bloody Kotex
  
•  Gramma drooling into minestrone soup
•  Bouquet toss
  
•  Fat, hopeless chick reaching for bouquet thinking it means she may actually get married some day, however unlikely that really is.
  
•  The wedding party tables
  
•  Family tables
  
•  B&G saying goodbyes
  
•  B&G in limo counting money received and driving to bank
  
•  Groom trying to fuck Bride in limo as Bride claims she has a headache
  
•  Groom sucking limo drivers cock instead
  

Yee-ha! Here come the Wagoneers!!!

awhile back I'm talking with a rather wound-up bride and we're going over her shot list. No big deal, since she was pretty cool about it. But then she says, "And don't forget the Wagoneers."

"Excuse me." I say.

"The Wagoneers!" she repeats with delight, eyes widening with anticipation.

what the fuck is a wagoneer?

She continues, "You know, the infants that are being pulled down the aisle in the decorated red wagon!!!"

"I was not aware of that." I add, wondering exactly what this debacle will look like. 

What a great idea, lets put infants too small to even walk in a wedding. OH! BETTER YET!!! Lets scare the living shit out of them and yank them all around creation in a wagon decorated with bad polyester lace and bangles I bought in the wedding section of  Michael Arts and Crafts! Nothing says 'classic wedding' like cheap, fucking lace crap hot glued to a rolling cart. Maybe the toddlers were hot glued in as well to keep them in place, or from running right to Child Protective Services.

So a few hours later out come the kids, sitting back to back in their lacey rolling monstrosity, looking absolutely bewildered and terrified. The obligatory 'ooohs!' and 'aahhhsss! come from the crowd as they snap away with their plastic Rite-Aid cameras.

These kids are fucked forever now. Do everyone a favor, and unless the child can personally express their desire to participate, just ;leave them at home where they really want to be.

the hired help

About a year ago I was shooting a wedding in the Hartford area at what was a really nice venue. The bride was all wound up and cunty, and was yelling at her mother the whole time, who was doting over her every move. It took a lot for me to stay calm.

Anyway, she made a big deal about how she didn't want to spend 'forever' taking formal shots so she could have fun ( something she had apparently never tried before) at the cocktail hour.

So the time comes to start shooting and she has an innumerable amount of combinations of every conceivable family member. So I could only guess that she was abducted by aliens at some point who had twisted her mind between the time we met and the wedding. It was the total opposite of what she told me all along she wanted.

While she has me shooting ever relative that ever lived - she says "We need to do this fast!!! I'm paying $2000 for the steel drum band that i'm not even getting to hear..." .....as she assembles yet another grouping. It's hot, I'm aggravated, I was done an hour ago, my nuts are sweaty and I want to get inside.

After all of this nonsense, the groom (a sweet guy I felt bad for, as he didn't stand a chance with this broad) looks at me and says "Hey, thanks for taking all those shots." His new wife, Cunty Bitchstein, looks at him and says: "You don't have to thank him, that's what we're paying him for."  I was aghast. Did she REALLY just say that in front of me? Do you REALLY think I'm going to do anything for you the rest of the day other than wish or your timely demise. Dontcha' think maybe you have your Tampax jammed up your hoo-hoo too far?

I ---I can't even think of something funny to end this with as that still upsets me to this day!...well, "hoo-hoo" is pretty funny if you think about it.

momma's little helpers

UMMMM,yummy!

There are several online sites where customers can post details of their upcoming events. Photographers can then purchase their email address if interested. This is a listing as it appeared awhile back:

Ceremony at Church in Westport, Reception to follow at The Yacht Club in Greenwich, CT
Estimate about 250 Guests.

Looking for the following:

1. Enthusiastic and aggressive photographer willing to get in the middle of things to get the perfect shot.

2. A variety of detail and thought in the shots. Using variation in light, background, exposure, depth of field to highlight the subject and capture the moment.

3. Someone who is going to scout the wedding site(s) ahead of time and plan the shots accounting for indoor and outdoor photography requirements based on time of day and location.

4. Someone who can tell a story with the pictures from the preparation and anxiety at the beginning of the day down to the sheer exhilaration and playful nature of the ceremony and following reception.

5.Established Portfolio proving experience satisfying the previous bullets


Exactly what does someone like this expect from a photographer – or ANY vendor for that matter. Could anything ever be right? She says right there that she’s planning on having anxiety that morning. I have anxiety just reading this. At least she’s being up front that she has no plans on being calm until she starts mindlessly jumping up and down like a silly schoolgirl when her “playful nature” kicks in. More like when the Xanax kicks in. Perhaps the caterer is creating a delicious Paxil punch, to assist her with the “sheer exhilaration” part of the night. She might have added "Someone willing to lick my sphincter hole" since it seems that what's she wants and needs.
So if you’re supposed to go the the location in advance to “plan the shots accounting for indoor and outdoor photography requirements based on time of day and location” can you imagine if it rained that day? She’d have you in court before she said “I do,” and right after that have a complete breakdown. This chick is right on the edge as it is – I wish I could be a fly on the wall when she starts looking for a dress.

Personally, I can think of a satisfying experience involving bullets, but it has nothing to do with a portfolio.

a big bowl of shit

I was at a place a few weeks back which is notorious for not feeding you (yes you know who you are, the INN AT FUCKING LONGSHORE)

So anyway, expecting that I brought snacks only to later find that they put out a big bowl of soggy, pre-chewed ziti and saliva. I figured, OK thats better than nothing.

 A staff member said happily, "OH! You're also getting a meal!"

"Really?" we questioned, "what is it?"

"Stew"! he said cheerily. 

Now who the fuck serves stew at a wedding, or to anybody for that matter? 

Out comes the heat tray a little later, and when I peeled back the lid it looked like body parts in a red sauce with peppers---unlike any 'stew' I have ever encountered.  It was road-kill and abortion all tossed together with love, sealed with a kiss and topped off with something that leaked out of my asshole. I asked that same staff member who was downing some like it was his last meal, "So what IS it?"

"Filet Mignon pieces in sauce." I wondered who would ruin a filet by coating it with a sauce made of poop. 

In the corner I noticed a band member ready to heave.

"Is it any good?" I asked knowing the answer.

"If you like big, chewy pieces of fat, yes." 

I opted out at that point, as it TRULY looked like they took the guests remaining food, chopped it up and mashed it into some steamy hot pile of shit that I had seen the day before at the bottom of my toilet bowl.

Why do places like this think thats OK? And why do they pull a fast one on couples who THINK they're paying for a REAl meal for you. I'm not even a bride and it pisses me off.

it's high -time, don't you think?

Isn't it about time someone started bloggin about how insane brides can be - and how shitty you get treated as a wedding 'vendor'. The name alone grates on my nerves..."Excuse me---Vendor--- Oh, we have a vendor meal for you in back, down the stairs next to the milk crates and old cans of soup!" Enjoy your day old sandwich, muthafucker. You don't need a fork, do you?"