Allow ME to pay YOU to capture your AMAZING fucking day...

a super-special holiday submission from a reader, simply oozing with Xmas cheer!

Dear Vendor (who I'd like to get for free…)

As you can imagine costs have added up to the point where we are only able to offer $---- for the Option 2 Pacjage - We feel that if we could secure you on the team, workflow and style will be in sync with the team from [other Vendor] would be seemless. {ignorant fuck. nice spelling}

Please let me know if you can make this happen, if so I will move forward today. If paying in cash helps we're able to do that as well. {oh,well fuck me in my pink a-hole, if it's cash, why don't you pass me a $20 and we'll call it even. Maybe your new bride will end up earning it back blowing me in the coatroom?}

Thanks,

[client]

_____________________

Hi [client],

Where to begin? I guess with your flawed thinking... I'm assuming the last minute nature of your vendor bookings was with hopes that you'd use your Super Salesman approach to negotiate a last minute deal, knowing December isn't exactly prime wedding season, and ohhhh….I don't know, maybe I'm dying to be surrounded by so many "fantastic guests" that I simply can't refuse. {He insisted in his high-brow tone that his wedding was going to be full of 'fantastic people'. As if most couples think their guests are losers, fuckups and hobos}

So we chat, and you let me know that this will be the wedding of the season (never heard that before) and I let you know I'm comfortable working within a budget and I can make some concessions based on the time of year and the vendors with whom I'll be working.

So you wait another 10 days, now less than two weeks before the big day. Now I must be really sweating, hoping, and praying that I'll hear from you to cover the most amazing day in the history of mankind. And when I do, I'm told your budget has gone over by $300, which is a load of shit----but assuming for a moment it's true, you thought would be a wise idea to squeeze out of me despite a healthy initial price break. Oh, but wait! You ALSO think I would be a valuable part of your wedding team?? And our workflow and style will be in sync with the other vendors, making it 'seemless' (it's seamless by the way, you stupid turd) Oh, well then of course I'd love to work for minimum wage. {and you know I've seen this fucknut before... The guy with the shoe string budget, yet you know had managed to budget for a 12 piece band, enough flowers to bring Martha Stewart to orgasm right at her table, and 350 of their closest friends and relatives.}

Which brings us to the problem... I'll put this as nicely as I can... I think you're a douchebag. {ok, ok, not nice, but appropriate.}

So unfortunately I've already booked 12/18. I have an event, on my couch, watching Rudolph and then Frosty. {Or maybe it's Frosty, then Rudolph?}

All My Best: not so gullible vendor

Autumn Leaves suck ass

after recently meeting with a very busy bride ( she's in a field where her schedule is insane, and I GET THAT) I met up with her on my own time in NYC ( something I really never do) She was having a 2 day event and I had created this whole proposal for 2 days coverage in NYC, talked to both her and her planner on the phone etc etc. I think it would have been a beautiful event.

So in our meeting, she goes on and on about how much "emotion and feeling" my photos have and how "they haven't found anyone else whose work they feel as strongly about" GREAT! I think--this is in the bag.

Not so fast...photoguy.

Then the tone changes , she does a 180 nd she launches into how " ...frantic their schedule is and how it seems that we cannot schedule a time that convenient for an engagement session"

"We have all of November or the Spring!" I suggest, "I can even do halloween!"

"No, no, no---we want The Leaves" [for the record, i think I am officially OVER the fucking Fall leaves and the booking trouble they cause] So i'm kinda like, "Well YOU have no free time, and neither do I---so I'm not sure what you wanna hear from me?"

"Well - as much as we ADORE your work, we are thinking of hiring someone closer who is like 5 minutes away and not as far as where you are."

"Yeah but, I said I'M COMING TO YOU FOR YOUR ENGAGEMENT SESSION!"

None of this seemed to sink in and her eyes glazed over with the next bad decision she was planing on making--- "what if we hired you JUST for the night before the wedding but hired someone to DO the wedding day?"

What. The. Fuck?

So let me wrap my head around this---you 'love' my work, but because we cannot find 60 minutes in the next fucking week for an engagement session so you can have your damn LEAVES - you are going to forfeit the photographer you 'adore' for someone closer---JUST FOR THAT SINGLE REASON??? I might also add that 'he' likes the nature of the leaves but 'SHE' prefers the urban look---so how important then could the leaves really be?

She then emails me 2 days before halloween asking me if I can still shoot that day and do the event the night before. I told her 'NO' and to go to Central park, grab a fistful of leaves, jam them up her twat and live happily ever after.

thank you very much, Autumn--- for losing me a job.

a REAL email from a REAL asshole

"First of all, I'm also a photographer and know the cost and investments in equipment. Your base package is much higher than most equivalent photographers. You were also the slowest to respond. I see that you are a quality group, however, that being said not at double the price. Your base price is higher than many second tear (i believe he means 'tier' not TEAR---fucking DICK) packages. I hope that in this poor economy you continue to find work, but I will not pay that high of a price. Other groups include engagment shoots, include finished CD's, the wedding day, unlimited time, a $600.00 budget included toward the book and a small 8 /2 x 11 table book for the reception where people sign. These packages ranged between $2200.00 and $2500.00 with what they said was over 1000 pictures. Even though you are highly rated, 4 to 5 stars that is the same rating as the others. I also looked at the picture samples. Also, you were rated as a 2 star costing vs some at 4 star costing and you are double the price. Something is wrong. (less stars being less expensive). I will have many young unmarried people at the wedding and feel you are hurting your business by not being competitive. We will have over 300 people in attendance. I need a firm and complete price. Please let me know your thoughts. I plan to make a decision within the next week or two. Thanks"

Heres my suggestion - while you're learning the english language and how to construct sentences--you take either one of my testes and pop it in your mouth & start sucking, while I sit busily editing one of last years 40 weddings you cheap, pretentious cocksucking muthafucker. How DARE you review my business and give me your 2 cent business advice when your website or 'business' is not even internet searchable. ( you have heard of the 'internet', right?) The 'slowest to respond' ? Maybe THAT'S because I was in a shock-coma from your obnoxious email. Whadya do...A few $999 weddings for pals in Indiana ? Fuck off, you smegma-cheese laden dickhead, and good luck on your inevitably failed marriage.

cocksucker.

another typical 'we love you but chose someone else' email

this was received by a reader recently:

Hi again, Thanks for the follow up but we already signed with another photograper. Your work speaks for it self and we will surely recommend you to others. -Beth Uh huh - so you REALLY 'loved' my work but before even meeting me you signed with another photographer, yet will refer me left and right. You crazy fucking bitch---. Well thats simply terrific. Good for you and your cheap-ass, discount wedding escapade. And 8 years from now, when your sitting home with a banana jammed up your pussy since your husband will have nothing to do with you, and you're surrounded by your 3 out-of control children, and you are looking at the photos you spent $699.00 on.... don't come crying to me how we 'should have known better'.... Sister---you get what you deserve and what you pay for. At and the dump you were having this nightmare at (along CT's coastline on the edge of the 'water' which is NOW notorious for multiple weddings simultaneously...YOU do the math) ...good luck with your special fucking day being anything other than yet another boring, by-the-book , over-planned factory venue monstrosity. Happy wedding, you cheap twat. I only wish the worst. Ohhh!! Did I say that out-loud?!

shoot my wedding for free

There is a crazy cunt who has been sending around this email to GROUPS of photographers (I say 'groups' in that she doesn't even have the good sense to make it APPEAR she is just emailing one person at a time---she just clumps together everyone she seems to be able to get a hold of) As far as we can tell - she has sent out at least 3 emails blasts so far:

Hi there! I was wondering if you might consider shooting my wedding
TFCD? I know this is a very odd proposal, but desperate times call for
desperare measures. I am a first year teacher and my finace is just
starting out in media production. We don't have a huge budget for our
wedding, which is planned for summer 2011. What we DO have are great
personalities and a very fun family! I have done quite a bit of
modeling and commercial work and my finace is absolutely adorable (if
I do say so myself)!! I know that I have done a lot of modeling
portfolio shoots TFCD and figured it was worth a try to see if we
could get a wedding photographer to agree to this. I promise we would
be fun and easy to work with, and provide you with some great wedding
shots to add to your portfolio. Please consider this proposal and let
me know if you would be interested! Thanks!

for those who care to research this fascinating subject at length, i suggest you begin HERE

Hmmmmm? Lets see---so this is a wedding and not a modeling shoot as far as I can tell---OH! I see...so because YOU think you are so fucking adorable and your family so sweet and charming, we should give up a prime wedding date during the summer (date and locale not yet chosen, I might add) to photograph your special fucking day for FREE? Do I get my cock sucked by you in return since you're so fucking 'cute'? Perhaps i'd prefer sodomizing your fiance's unwilling pooper? Can I screw whom I choose from the wedding party like going to a brothel? I'll take that one and, ummmmm--- THAT one!

Is the wedding some place UNBELIEVABLE, or just at another shitball wedding hall with fake rocks and fountains? I mean, if you;re getting married on the Internationmal Space Station or something, then gust let me know---

• Will I be left alone and shoot what i want?
• 
  
• Can i only stay 2 hours, and leave when it starts to get boring, which is generally 1/3 of the way through the day?
• 
  
• Can I not take a single formal or group shot?
• 
  
• Can I ignore obnoxious guests and tell them to 'fuck off' without repercussion?
• 
  
• when someone come up to me and says "HEY PHOTOGRAPHER---DID YOU GET THAT PICTURE???" can I slap them senseless across the face and knee them in the pussy?

Regardless of these questions to which I am well aware the answer is a resounding 'NO' - my professional suggestion you braindead dummy, is that you fuck yourself, and then get some relative who is 'really interested in photography and takes good piktures' to shoot your goddamn nightmare of a cheapass, discount day.

May you live happily forever and have a bunch of adorable cheap-as-shit children who will haunt you for the rest of your living days looking for a free handout like you are.

I need a shrink, but I'll email you instead.

a reader sent us this email they received:

hi , first of all, the wedding pictures of ____ and ____ are just amazing...you captured them both so beautifully and your talent and creativity shine through them. They will have wedding pictures to treasure. Something has bothered me a bit and i wanted to talk to you in person about it but here goes....there were no formal pictures of the extended family, other than the few of ___ and myself with the kids . We have a large family and we are very close to them all, particularly my sister and brother and kids who are like siblings to the groom. I asked him if there was an "essential" photo wish list and he seemed to think not. I guess what i am suggesting is that there be one...if i had the opportunity to make a list beforehand, we would have those photos to "have on the mantle". I guess I feel that one of your assistants could be assigned to the both sets of parents to make sure the essentials for each family get done done the day of the event. I love the photos you took so much, but can't help feel the tiniest bit left out. Please do not share this with the bride and groom. The day had come and gone and it was glorious and now time to let it go...i just needed to get it off my chest. Regards, Patty

Dear Mrs. Patty-Passive-Aggressive: Honestly? You're going to fucking write me a month after the wedding when nothing can be done anything at this point? You couldn't open your trap that day when there were 2 of us roaming around ALL DAY LONG? Were everyones tongues sliced off in Communist China? Oh no, no, no---I know what's better: wait a few weeks then send a cunty email. OH!!! and don't DARE tell the bride and groom: I would just like for YOU to be upset since you did such a wonderful job while simultaneously fucking up so badly and I don't have a brain cell in my old, creaky skull to think that maybe you are not a clairvoyant and could not have read my FUCKING MIND that day!!!! Go fuck yourself you old, bitter, rancid hag.

shitty wedding from hell

You kinda know it in advance. When the couple is just not a good match but you still take the job hoping for the best. Hoping they will come around and see the light.

But then you get that 'photo shot request' email that starts to make you wonder. "Can you shoot us while magically hovering above us in space as we look longingly into each others eyes? Even though we won't pay for 2 photographers, can you be in the aisle as well as in the 4 story balcony at the same time. Can you Bi-Locate?"

And of course, its at that point you realize that this wedding will be one of the 'bad ones' for the year.

They always happen you know. Try as you may to weed them out. They sneak through the cracks like an earwig in the middle of the summer and before you know it - they have squirmed into your head and planted their eggs.

This is The One i was worried about--- and it may have been the death of me. Agitated bride. Hyper-controlling mother who is out of her mind and wants all these shots of herself she keeps posing for, in that creepy stop-look-smile manner.

"Did u get a picture of THIS??? did u get a shot of THAT???!!! You shot the mantle? Didya shoot the pastries on the tray? You shot the table? You shot this fucking muthafuking shit or another...RIGHT??!!"

YES YES YES, godammitt. Go change your Tampax.

So It's raining with the humidity at 200%, which if you happen to be in SoCal or someplace where humidity is not an issue, you cannot appreciate. You sweat in unimaginable places. Things that shouldn't, cling and stick to each other in your nether regions.

This wedding was almost everything I hate about weddings rolled into one. Disinterested groom and bridal party. Disorganized. Fat slobs. Micromanage happy. Forced smiles. A Dad who took pride in his Not Smiling. Distractions. No one paying attention. No focus. No one listening to me like i'm invisible.

As if I don't exist.

People telling me how to shoot. Guests tapping me on the shoulder during the reception saying "HEY!! Take THIS picture!!!" "Did you get THAT over THERE???!!"

Gum chewing during formals in church by the mother.

The same mother who was all uptight about everything being so fucking perfect at the house. Yes she has a wad of gum on her mouth. Am I at a County Fair? Am I judging you on your cud munching ability? Shall I present you with a ribbon?

So I say to her--- "YOU are chewing gum!?"

"No i'm not." she says as she stops chewing like she's a little kid.

"YES you are---this is like a sixth grade classroom!!!" (which i cant believe i said, but this was my chance to dish the shit back at her.)

"Can we do this fast? Can you shoot so and so (mere moments after the wedding) they have to leave." TO FUCKING GO WHERE??? I mean - we are all but 2 minutes into 'formals' and people have to LEAVE?? I ask "well WHERE do they have to do - we have barely taken any photos"

"Well its hot and they have to take the kids." No shit its hot, as the sweat literally is running into my burning eyeballs. HERE'S A THOUGHT - leave the fucking kids at home IF IT'S THAT MUCH OF AN ISSUE--FOR FUCKS SAKE.

I take ONE SETUP and Miss Bride says, "Can we move at some point? I don't want all the shots in the same place." I gave her a really dirty 'are you fucking kidding me' look and said "We WILL, that was only THE FIRST PHOTO!!!!"

The .

First.

God.

Damn.

Photo.

Later on at the reception I hear- "Did you shoot the cake?"

NO.

i've been to 400 muthafucking weddings and I never do THAT. Why on earth would i shoot your fucking ugly cake.

I'm sorry - did you hire a circus clown of a WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHER? Why come to think of it, I could second guess your choice of what seems to be a potentially abusive husband, but chose kept my trap shut. Why don't you try the same approach and let me do the job you hired me for?

....end of the night I get this: "I hope WE did not drive you TOO crazy and you had SOME fun!"

you did drive me crazy. Enough to make me want to quit the business

And I did NOT have any fucking fun, you wacky cunt. Being second guessed and bossed around is not my idea of fun---is it YOURS?

Have a blast in Aruba--be sure to take the Natalie Holloway Death Tour---