Donner Party: table for 1...

PRO UPDATE 2017!

This venue has been taken over by caterers  who know what they are doing (finally!) and the food is absolutely delightful! HORRAY!!!!

Well the good folks in the vomitorium they call at kitchen at this well known waterside venue in Westport CT have outdone themselves this time around with their latest Vendor Meal concoction. Behold this slab of horror, which one can only presume is a human thigh or buttock. Gaze upon its rich golden urine like iridescent hues, which are so commonly found in meat products. Wonder in wide-eyed amazement how one can get something that was once alive to look like it's been dead for several years on the roadside.

What you cannot see is that under the chunk of gore sits a horrified heap of mushy mashed potatoes, hiding out for their lives wondering what they did in life as a gentle Idaho spud to end up suffocating under this heap of unidentifiable flesh.

And a couple paid for this--just keep that in mind.

Please Sir, may I have some more?

Well this is nothing new but of COURSE we were not fed this past weekend at yet another fancy-fucking-pants golf club. Well - I suppose 'technically' we were....well, read on...

Earlier in the day, when i arrived at the brides house there was a huge spread of fruit, sandwiches, snacks and shit. The mother, an under-nourished over-tanned handbag of a woman, said not "Why don't you help yourself to a sandwich." but rather, "You should get shots of the food spread."
Really, you Leather Cunt? Thanks for offering. I'm not hungry after my 2 hour drive. It's fine. Really.

That put aside, that evening AS I'M SHOOTING, the huge, sweating cargo-truck of a man catering manager whispers in my ear (as i gaze longingly at everyone's surf and turf) "Hey! I have a sandwich for you in the other room." No kidding? Let me drop my camera right now because that sounds so fucking enticing. "I'll get it and bring it to you." he says. I get a boner right on the spot in the middle of the dance floor, and start touching myself, I'm THAT excited.

Said sandwich never materializes, and as i'm about to wrap up for the night he says, "HEY! Did you ever eat?" Ummm, did you BRING me the sandwich, Jumbo?

I say, "I'm really ok, I ate the one I brought."
"No,no!", he insists, "It's still good. Tell you what, I'll package it to go and out it by your bag." So now I feel a bit (only a BIT) bad because he's actually being nice.

And as a huge fatso, you KNOW this guy likes to eat.

I walk over to my bag to see a tempting styrofoam container, which as i pick it up is at light as a feather. I open it to find a grade school proportioned sandwich, delicately cut on the bias to make it fancy. For a moment I assumed Gigantor ate the rest of it, but no. It was just a wee little thing. Hobbits eat larger portions. I've flossed out larger servings of meals from between my teeth. Along with Le Petite Un Sandwich was a bag of chips smushed in there as well for additional nourishment. I could barely contain my excitement. My erection returned. How would I finish all this? AND I get to walk out like early-bird douche who could not finish his omelet and asked for a take home container. How humiliating.

And so in the end, there really is no final punchline to this story, other than the fact that more often than not the nicer the place, the worse you get served. THAT and the fact that many people who are Golf Club members and thoughtless assholes.

Craisglist Cunt

So this has been all over the internet like wildfire today, and this enchanting blog seems the perfect spot to highlight such an article. Please read then come back. We will wait...

http://seattle.craigslist.org/kit/evs/2804332414.html

OK- so without going into what the actual cost of doing business as a wedding photographer is, I will just say that no one, as far as I can tell, is holding this cheap redneck hostage in her Double-Wide forcing her to spend $3000. There are PLENTY of sites and photographers offering their services at a cut rate. Sometimes because they are starting out. Often just because they suck, but regardless--the options are available. If she would put down her Silver Bullet ( beer/ Vibrator? ...who knows, could be either) long enough to do some research she would see this is the truth. Turn on that dial-up, pop in that AOL floppy disc, and look up 'Budget Weddings' Or maybe, "Cheap-ass wedding photos"--anything will likely yield a result to compliment your Piggy Wiggly wedding bouquet, Payless Shoes and KFC Catering.

Ahhh--imagine the lucky guts that get to revel in the splendor of your Special Fucking Discount Day...most of whom you have slept with in order to raid money for the event of the milemnnium.

Bridal Must Haves

...an expression as passive-agreesive as "please advise", MUST HAVES is the latest aggravating bridal expression no doubt coined by all the fucking wedding rags that fill brides heads with deluded, unattainable dreams.

You know - you'll get that email with something like, "...and these are my photo 'must-haves' :) " with that mutha-fucking smiley face to diffuse the point that she knows how damn cunty she's being. But I suppose putting it in quotes diminishes the bitchiness somehow.

There are a LOT of things I MUST HAVE--just a few of which are listed here:

1. a pretty bride
2. a dress i haven't seen 20 other weekends
3. a dress that has been properly altered so you're not pulling up your tits all night long
4. flowers that are actually interesting and not from a grocery store
5. bridesmaids that FIT in their dress
6. a bridesmaid group MINUS the inevitable 'sad fat one'
7. kids that fucking behave
8. a wedding party with under 23 people in it
9. a DECENT room to photograph getting ready shot in, that actually has a window and this interesting thing called 'light'
10. a priest thats not a fucking dickhead
11. a church that is lit more than with 5 votive candles
12. groomsmen that are not all drunken douches
13. groomsmen who won't call me 'photo guy'
14. less than an hour drive between venues
15. a wedding someplace that is not a wedding factory
16. a wedding that has actual creative thought put into it, of which mirrors on the tables with sprinkled rose petals do not count
17. enough time for formals
18. did i mention an attractive couple?
19. howz about a meal at some point (thats whole other story)
20. to not be tapped on the shoulder all night being asked "HEY!!! Take THIS picture!!!"
21. less than a 12 hour day as really, lets face it, your wedding and you are not all THAT interesting.

Oh---surely I could go one forever, but Brides Of America--consider these demands before you ask me for your fucking Must Haves. March right into the bathroom and throw out all those stupid old copies of Modern Bride right now...your head is already filled with enough stupidity.

"It's Christmas - come work for us!"

At times it's hard to believe how obnoxious people are with their expectations and lack of consideration for any 'life' you might have out of photographing their fucking events. Aside from a bride wanting to stop by after Thanksgiving to 'discuss photo options' for her fucking 2012 wedding (REALLY?? are you bringing me a dessert? Its not until next summer and you need to interrupt MY weekend with your asinine 'thoughts' all stolen from The Knot?), the latest offense is one of wanting photos done Christmas Eve.

Now I don't know about YOU, but i'm usually VERY busy Xmas Eve. Generally I wake up around noon next to an empty bottle of scotch, masturbate onto the christmas the to mimic new fallen snow, then dress up as Santa and go to the mall food court, where I drop my pants and await the arrival of security. Why? FOR ATTENTION obviously, because I have NOTHING THE FUCK ELSE TO DO. Except--oh! yes...photograph your greasy, baloon head family on a holiday. Though apparently I am the only one who sees that day as part of the holiday.

I will come over there so fast, snatch that menorah out of your twat and slap you across the face with it you selfish cunt. How about I arrive at about 2 am, as that's convenient for ME. Are there any other ways I may serve you, your Highness? I'll bet you also expect the images up online by Christmas morning so everyone can look at them for 2 minutes and then never order anything. I'll get right on that.

You know what else i'm getting right on?

NOT calling you back...

It's 9-11!!! Can I have a discount, please?

Yeah I'll say it -

there are brides who book their wedding on 9-11 and think they are entitled to a fucking discount. As one photographer told me, it was suggested that "…due to what happened that day," that she was entitled to a break in the cost.

I am appalled. Like--nauseous appalled.

Any bride who freely chooses that day and then expects a discount, is a fucking hillbilly trash-cunt whore, who deserves to drop dead that day right on the altar. How DARE you choose a day that day which is so raw--so fresh ... such an open wound for the ENTIRE country and then try and milk it for a deal. Have you no dignity, sitting home in your pajama-jeans planning your ass-wipe, discount based wedding? What kind of low-life would do that? Do you think you really are that important because you chose some matching poly-blend table linens and ordered a dry wedding cake that no one will remember, after they gag on it and chase it with warm coffee while they all stare bewildered at your cheapo Christmas Tree Shop 'gift' they all received at their place setting?

You wanna choose that day- fine. No problem. ASK FOR A BREAK however…NOT SO FINE. I cannot wrap my head around that concept. Oh wait: because YOUR wedding is the most important of them all, and people jumped to their deaths and 2000+ people DIED you should get a price break.

Are you totally mental? You have 52 weeks in the year, with 2 days in each weekend. How about you pick on of the OTHER 103 dates that happen to not fall on a national tragedy to have your special, stupid muthafucking day. You are not that special, really.

There are days like this, where I would like to get on a spaceship and leave this planet for good.

Kindly Get The Fuck Out Of My Way

You know what I DON'T need? Here's the short list: fucking limo fucking drivers, and church fucking coordinators in my fucking photos.

Stumpy, sausage-fingered 'Soprano' leftovers who feel the need to 'assist' the bride out of the limo (even though her dad is standing right there and fully capable of opening a car door) Did it ever occur to you that by you hovering around the bride in your poly-blend one-size-too-small plastic looking tux that you haven't dry cleaned in a month, that you are in all of her photos? Her memories? You are now PART of her special fucking day, in a way she had not counted on? Why do you think that's ok, you bloated douche tube? Do I photo bomb your summertime Mafia-themed Coors Light-manicoti filled home parties?

I think not.

Go the fuck away and - - - OH!!! HERE'S an idea: learn the directions to all the locations and be on fucking time. How about THAT rather than you lingering around holding the back of the dress. Maybe you didn't notice genius, but there's 16 bridesmaids with their fingers up their pussies just DYING for something to do. I know it's 'always a bridesmaid never a bride', but back off Luigi: YOUR special day will come sooner or later, and I hope I can stand around all sweaty and gross in the background of your shots.

And PS - NO: I do NOT want to have you set up a fucking staged champagne toast on your mini-godamn red carpet. Don't do me any favors, seriously. Check your datebook dickhead: it's not 1989.

And as for the ever-delightful church coordinators: those enchanting women who have not been fucked in 19 years who's job it is now to boss around the bridal party and any wedding professionals that may enter their Holy sanctum. They take their job VERY seriously as after all, God himself is watching them.

But do you know what God hates as much as I do? YOU STANDING IN THE FUCKING AISLE BEHIND THE BRIDE WHILE THE BRIDE WALKS DOWN TO THE ALTAR!!!! Why do I want to look at you in your frumpy schmata housedress behind my beautiful bride? WHY WHY WHY??? The same goes for clueless wedding planners - who equally believe that mystical powers are in full force during a wedding as their hide behind their magic "invisibility-shield" Staples clipboard. Somebody call Batman: even HE didn't figure THAT one out.

Guess what you old cunt: I can see your ancient ass, standing there as you watch the bride walk down the aisle - that permanent sourpuss affixed to your face as you think to yourself each and every Saturday, "Why have I NEVER found a man? Why can't I BE loved?" I'll tell you why- it's because you're sour, miserable, cunty and smell vaguely of mothballs.

Now get the FUCK out of my shot and go in back to see which altar boy the priest is mistreating...