There are few things you can depend on at a wedding with any reason, although one thing is for certain; there will always be screaming children in church. Squirming, squealing and fidgeting – you’re guaranteed some inane, inconsiderate couple will drag their spawn into the House Of God. Oh sure, some people bring their kids their for actual religious reasons, but most are their for show. Usually these kids disappear right after the ceremony, so you know they have been hosed down, dressed up , dragged around and put on display...like a perfectly preened Pekingese presented at a dog show, swathed in pretty pink bows, miniaturized tuxedoes, tiny frilly dresses and wee-little polished shoes. They deck them out and prance them on parade. “OH! How cute!” you’ll hear over and over again, filling the parents needy ego, as Jr. stands close by with a finger jammed up his nose mining for gold. Covered in frills, spittle and the remains of lunch, they inevitably begin belching out loud yelps like a screaming banshee, echoing throughout the cathedral. The Priest looks on, praying to God and silently ignoring the ordeal. Guests glance in the general direction wearing understanding smiles, while what they really want to do is toss a bible at their heads. The wedding couple, nervous wrecks as it is, think the most unholy of thoughts as they kneel at the altar. “Which side of the family are they on, who invited them, let's never have children, and why didn’t we elope?” they wonder.
Mindless of the distraction it causes, parents seem to think the most adorable activity since Time Began is to let their tots run amok though, around and under church pews. Their little hard-heeled shoes stomp about like a fleet of rats with wood blocks strapped to their feet. It’s usually only a matter of time until one of them falls or bangs into something, and the unearthly Death Cry begins. Sometimes, even THAT isn’t enough to convince Mom and Dad to swiftly remove their incubus from the premises, even though the sounds begin to draw wild animals into the area. Many churches offer glass enclosed soundproof booths in which to bring your wailing beast. This lets Little Susie scream until she blows a blood vessel, and Mommy can feel like she’s backstage at The Newlywed Game.
Isn’t it bad enough that you have to deal with the uncertainly of 3 year old ring-bearers and flower girls? With all of the concern for The Perfect Day, it’s amazing how many anxiety-producing components couples willingly add to the mix. Little girls with rings of flowers in their hair crying their eyes out from fear right before they are to walk down the aisle. Small boys in tiny but still oversized tuxedos slapping the ring pillow against the church wall. Through all of this, the doe eyed parents beam with joy and egg them on, unconscious of how disruptive all this behavior really is. When did ‘obnoxious’ and ‘misbehaved’ become “cute”?
Still, the lure of parading children about is a temptation most parents cannot resist. But you have to wonder when it is during the child rearing period they become immune to the racket the kids make, and why they it’s appropriate to make every one else suffer through it…especially during a wedding. All the planning, rehearsals, flowers – and you end up with some twice removed relatives drooling toddler tripping over and ripping the runner down the center aisle, before you even have a chance to walk down it as Husband and Wife.
Here’s a wedding tip parents– do us all a favor leave the offspring at home, or stay home yourselves and send a check.
