Thursday, December 23, 2010

Christmas Panic - as usual.


here,clients line up for last minute print orders....


Tell me why this happens ever fucking year?

You've had your images forever--sometimes well over a year or more, but then mere days before Christmas you suddenly realize that you have had your head jammed up your shit filled ass for the last 11 months and suddenly - right as I might possibly be trying to enjoy MY Holiday- you HAVE TO have your images printed IMMEDIATELY!!
Do you think all happens with a push of a button? Has it occurred to you that even the labs are backed up and slow down, and then it still has to get through our cranky-ass mail system?
Oh but thats right...I forgot. YOU are my only client. I have nothing else to do than deal with your forgetfulness, as well as produce Photoshop miracles at breakneck speeds. For it is well known, that I celebrate nothing but the chance to service you last minute. Why, it gives me a Christmas-boner just thinking about it. What else may I do for you? Come over and cook dinner? Wrap presents? Babysit your fucking kids.

Don't be a douche and think ahead next year, asshole.

Merry Fucking Christmas from My Special Fucking Day


Thursday, December 9, 2010

Allow ME to pay YOU to capture your AMAZING fucking day...

a super-special holiday submission from a reader, simply oozing with Xmas cheer!


Dear Vendor (who I'd like to get for free…)

As you can imagine costs have added up to the point where we are only able to offer $---- for the Option 2 Pacjage - We feel that if we could secure you on the team, workflow and style will be in sync with the team from [other Vendor] would be seemless. {ignorant fuck. nice spelling}

Please let me know if you can make this happen, if so I will move forward today. If paying in cash helps we're able to do that as well. {oh,well fuck me in my pink a-hole, if it's cash, why don't you pass me a $20 and we'll call it even. Maybe your new bride will end up earning it back blowing me in the coatroom?}

Thanks,

[client]

_____________________

Hi [client],

Where to begin? I guess with your flawed thinking... I'm assuming the last minute nature of your vendor bookings was with hopes that you'd use your Super Salesman approach to negotiate a last minute deal, knowing December isn't exactly prime wedding season, and ohhhh….I don't know, maybe I'm dying to be surrounded by so many "fantastic guests" that I simply can't refuse. {He insisted in his high-brow tone that his wedding was going to be full of 'fantastic people'. As if most couples think their guests are losers, fuckups and hobos}

So we chat, and you let me know that this will be the wedding of the season (never heard that before) and I let you know I'm comfortable working within a budget and I can make some concessions based on the time of year and the vendors with whom I'll be working.

So you wait another 10 days, now less than two weeks before the big day. Now I must be really sweating, hoping, and praying that I'll hear from you to cover the most amazing day in the history of mankind. And when I do, I'm told your budget has gone over by $300, which is a load of shit----but assuming for a moment it's true, you thought would be a wise idea to squeeze out of me despite a healthy initial price break. Oh, but wait! You ALSO think I would be a valuable part of your wedding team?? And our workflow and style will be in sync with the other vendors, making it 'seemless' (it's seamless by the way, you stupid turd) Oh, well then of course I'd love to work for minimum wage. {and you know I've seen this fucknut before... The guy with the shoe string budget, yet you know had managed to budget for a 12 piece band, enough flowers to bring Martha Stewart to orgasm right at her table, and 350 of their closest friends and relatives.}

Which brings us to the problem... I'll put this as nicely as I can... I think you're a douchebag. {ok, ok, not nice, but appropriate.}

So unfortunately I've already booked 12/18. I have an event, on my couch, watching Rudolph and then Frosty. {Or maybe it's Frosty, then Rudolph?}

All My Best: not so gullible vendor