aCUNTability.

Your kids are not really all that cute.

There are few things you can depend on at a wedding with any reason, although one thing is for certain; there will always be screaming children in church. Squirming, squealing and fidgeting – you’re guaranteed some inane, inconsiderate couple will drag their spawn into the House Of God. Oh sure, some people bring their kids their for actual religious reasons, but most are their for show. Usually these kids disappear right after the ceremony, so you know they have been hosed down, dressed up , dragged around and put on display...like a perfectly preened Pekingese presented at a dog show, swathed in pretty pink bows, miniaturized tuxedoes, tiny frilly dresses and wee-little polished shoes. They deck them out and prance them on parade. “OH! How cute!” you’ll hear over and over again, filling the parents needy ego, as Jr. stands close by with a finger jammed up his nose mining for gold. Covered in frills, spittle and the remains of lunch, they inevitably begin belching out loud yelps like a screaming banshee, echoing throughout the cathedral. The Priest looks on, praying to God and silently ignoring the ordeal. Guests glance in the general direction wearing understanding smiles, while what they really want to do is toss a bible at their heads. The wedding couple, nervous wrecks as it is, think the most unholy of thoughts as they kneel at the altar. “Which side of the family are they on, who invited them, let's never have children, and why didn’t we elope?” they wonder.

Mindless of the distraction it causes, parents seem to think the most adorable activity since Time Began is to let their tots run amok though, around and under church pews. Their little hard-heeled shoes stomp about like a fleet of rats with wood blocks strapped to their feet. It’s usually only a matter of time until one of them falls or bangs into something, and the unearthly Death Cry begins. Sometimes, even THAT isn’t enough to convince Mom and Dad to swiftly remove their incubus from the premises, even though the sounds begin to draw wild animals into the area. Many churches offer glass enclosed soundproof booths in which to bring your wailing beast. This lets Little Susie scream until she blows a blood vessel, and Mommy can feel like she’s backstage at The Newlywed Game.

Isn’t it bad enough that you have to deal with the uncertainly of 3 year old ring-bearers and flower girls? With all of the concern for The Perfect Day, it’s amazing how many anxiety-producing components couples willingly add to the mix. Little girls with rings of flowers in their hair crying their eyes out from fear right before they are to walk down the aisle. Small boys in tiny but still oversized tuxedos slapping the ring pillow against the church wall. Through all of this, the doe eyed parents beam with joy and egg them on, unconscious of how disruptive all this behavior really is. When did ‘obnoxious’ and ‘misbehaved’ become “cute”?
Still, the lure of parading children about is a temptation most parents cannot resist. But you have to wonder when it is during the child rearing period they become immune to the racket the kids make, and why they it’s appropriate to make every one else suffer through it…especially during a wedding. All the planning, rehearsals, flowers – and you end up with some twice removed relatives drooling toddler tripping over and ripping the runner down the center aisle, before you even have a chance to walk down it as Husband and Wife.

Here’s a wedding tip parents– do us all a favor leave the offspring at home, or stay home yourselves and send a check.

letters, we get letters

a submission from an equally angry vendor-----


okay where do i start?

i am aggravated at the video guys who think they are photogs and the djs that also think they are photogs!!!!!!!

I shot a wedding at a venue this weekend..should I mention the dump --not sure.

anyhow before the ceremony I went up to the dj to get the usual low down. The dj tells me that when i take my photos after the ceremony he is gonna take some to put up on his cheezy looking tvs that are already in this pretty tacky looking ballroom. I'm sorry---are we at the ESPN Zone? Did I mention behind the head table are shear curtains lining the back of the wall with almost a repulsive yellow tint. They look like they have been up there for about 30 years, never changed and dyed with the vomit of drunk groomsmen.

anyhow back to the story. So I tell the dj no it is not okay but does he listen of course not. So as I am doing groups he is clicking away...not to mention my assistant is trying to step in front of him every chance they get ha! So here is the killer ---half way through the video guy too pulls out his camera and starts shooting ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

So now i shoot the couple and it is like the paparazzi.  I finally get fed up and say hey you are distracting me....in a not so nice but nice manner... well i try to be nice to this fucking prick. I then take the couple away into a field and thank goodness they don't follow!


So i get into the reception and the photo the dj took are up on his awful looking tvs....of course the photos are crap, crap and more crap. Big piles of shit in hi-def. But are guests thinking this is my work? i hope not. So i ask the dj one more time can i give you some photos to put up there? He replies, "No, house rules... i cannot  - only our photos can go up there. what the fuck?

so here it is..........

DJ's I dont get all up in your booth and plug in my ipod and play dj so dont play photog!!!!!!!

video guys: i dont get all up in YOUR coolie and pull out a video cam, so put your camera  away.

dj and video guy: if you need photos just ask i will happily give them to you the way they should look. Stick to what you do and don;t try to do it all. Maybe practice your DJ skills, as they were not all that hot either---

behold my ta-ta's

I suppose if she was a pole dancer then this is a step up---but check out THIS hooker on her wedding day. Undoubtedly those milk-filled chi-chi's will pop out of those tiny holding flaps as soon as she raises her arms to make the "Y" in 'Y.M.C.A.'---taking out someone's eye.

Children will run screaming.

Old people will die on the spot.

Men will masturbate.

The Neverending Christmas

This has nothing at all to do with matrimony, but read along and feel my pain.

I LOVE Christmas. I really get into it, kind of go overboard with decorating and really try to feel the spirit. There is no holding me back. However when it's over, it's OVER. Come mid-january at the latest, everything says bye-bye and gets tucked away into little plastic bins for a long nap until the following season.

So one of my real bad pet peeves is when people leave up decorations way past their expiration date. You know, big brown fucking wreaths still up for Valentines. Plastic snowman tipped over in the yard being pushed aside by the Spring flowers trying to pop up. Put your fucking shit away, goddammit. Milk sours after a period of time---holiday decor should do the same.

Now the first time I ever saw icicle lights was in New jersey on an old Victorian house. It looked absolutely amazing, like the house was literally dripping with light. I had never seen anything like it, and was actually kind of mesmerized by it. I thought, "Wow! Where did they get those lights?!" But like with so many things that get ruined once tossed into the stew of the mass public, suddenly they were everywhere ( kind of like pumpkin leaf bags, but that's another story) You couldn't NOT find icicle lights. You could buy them at the supermarket, for fucks sake. Once a good idea ends up in Wal-Mart, for half the price of everywhere else, you might as well bend over, spread 'em and get ready to receive it, as that good idea is now fucked. Everyone sold them, and therefore every dopey-ass shithead without any imagination went out and robotically bought them while they were buying some new Nascar pajamas for their youngin's. The most disgraceful part is the disregard with which they are now installed. No longer are they carefully placed as in New Jersey on that magical night many moons ago. Now they're crudely tossed up , hanging every-which-way, and left to dangle in the winter breeze like a set of saggy old testicles.

Which brings me to my point and my small piece of advice, which is this: DO THE WORLD AND SANTA A BIG FAVOR AND DON'T PUT UP CHRISTMAS LIGHTS IS YOU ARE TOO FUCKING LAZY TO TAKE THEM DOWN BY AUGUST. And you know who you are. I don't know where you live, but it's like 95 degrees and as humid as my ass crack after 8 hours on a Greyhound without AC. It's AUGUST motherfuckers---can you take 15 minutes and take down your damn lights already?! What is the deal...how can people pass by that shit all season and edit it out from their line of vision? Is your life so busy in between watching that lesbian Oprah brainwashing people what to read and buying collectible crap you don't need on HSN that you can't finish what you started? I mean, at this point, it makes more sense to LEAVE them up, as your closer to the holidays than not---fuckers.

that bitch deserved it---

Michigan police taser Durango newlyweds during wedding reception



how cool is this?! A bride and groom get tasered at their own damn wedding. You KNOW they were fucking white trash and brought it on themselves, right? I can see it now, Coors Light in hand, nestled in a commemorative wedding can-cozy, getting zapped and flying across the room into their Fudgy The Wedding Whale cake from Carvel---I could have used a taser at one of my last weddings for the Mom ---more on that very soon---but for now, consider adding this tool to your wedding arsenal....


The Michigan wedding of Durango newlyweds Andy and Ania Somora came to an abrupt end last weekend after the bride and groom were tasered by local police and spent their wedding night in jail.
According to a news release from the Chikaming Township Police Department, Officer Jeff Enders responded Saturday to the Burnison Art Gallery in Lakeside, Mich., after gallery owner Judi Burnison asked for assistance with unruly guests at the Somoras' wedding reception.
Burnison, who rented the gallery to the Somoras for the reception, told Enders the party had gotten out of hand, and there were broken glasses and spilled drinks.
Burnison declined to comment Wednesday, but she said her lawyer would respond to questions.
However, no call was received as of Wednesday evening.
Enders told the assembled guests to leave, but many became upset, police said. Enders called for backup, and 14 law-enforcement agencies responded to help clear the crowd. Police said that many of the 100 guests left peacefully, but several continued to be disorderly and to swear at the officers.
However, eyewitness Kacpar Skowron, a professional Chicago photographer and friend of Ania Somora, said police overreacted and ruined a perfectly good wedding.
"My perspective is that the main officer (Enders) handling it was cool at first, but then he started threatening that everybody would be arrested. But trying to kick the party out at 11:20 (p.m.) on a wedding night when we had a contract to be there? He was a big jerk," Skowron said.

Skowron said the crowd got particularly unruly after police handcuffed Andy Somora's father and put him in the back of a police cruiser. He said the elder Somora, whom he described as "a distinguished older gentleman," was trying to talk to Enders to defuse the situation.

"I didn't believe it, but I witnessed it. It was brutal, and that's when Andy got really mad," he said.

Skowron said Andy Somora had to be restrained by police and was tasered at least twice. His wife also received a shock because she was touching her husband during one of the incidents. Skowron said husband and wife were both arrested, but Chikaming police would not confirm that claim, and no mention of the use of a taser is included in the news release.

The charges against those arrested include assault and battery, disorderly conduct, resisting and obstruction of police officers, and damage to property.

'must have' wedding photos

MUST HAVE PHOTOS 

 my extra-special version

Ceremony 

•  The processional
  
•  Readers
  
•  Priest out of robe
  
•  Priest getting into robe
  
•  Priest in robe
  
•  Priest and young boys at altat
  
•  Young boys at lawyers 20 years later
  
•  Bride and groom saying vows
  
•  B&G exchanging rings
  
•  B&G swappin' spit
  

Before Reception @ restaurant as the sun goes down but not before we’re announced at the rear of the church before we enter the dining room on Thrursday unless it’s raining

•  At waterside
  
•  Bride taking shoes off/hiking dress over head
  
•  Groom’s disgusted face
  
•  Bride slapping Groom
  
•  B&G facing water
  
•  B with each attendant (water at back – close up...try to get some of the ocean but not too much as I don't want to see spaces in between the bodies but still want the feeling of the ocean, and I want them in height order but loose and casual...ok?)
  
•  G with each attendant (water at back – close up)
  
•  B&G with various strangers from the street
  
•  B&G with groundskeepers and lifeguards and crabs from the ocean
  
•  B&G with waitresses
  
•  B&G&H&D&F&K&T with everyone
  
•  Whole party staggered at waters edge
  
•  Whole party as they fall into ocean
  
•  Flowergirl drowning
  
•  Everyone laughing! OH! THE FUN WE'LL HAVE!
  

Reception

•  Entrance
  
•  Toasts
  
•  First dance – do NOT stop us for the picture!!
  
•  Bride and father dance – do NOT stop us for the picture!!
  
•  Catering hall on fire – do NOT stop us for the picture!!
  
•  Groom falling on dry ice splitting open head– do NOT stop us for the picture!!
  
•  Groom and mother dance
  
•  Groom and Mistress dance
  
•  Bride and lesbian affair dance
  
•  Cake table
  
•  Cake-cutting ceremony
  
•  Couple feeding cake
  
•  Couple shitting out cake in 8 hours photo
  
•  Bride taking a piss during reception
  
•  Groom masturbating in bathroom
  
•  Bride fucking bestman in hallway near kitchen
  
•  cunty bridesmaid having cigarette outside
•  Grooms mother changing bloody Kotex
  
•  Gramma drooling into minestrone soup
•  Bouquet toss
  
•  Fat, hopeless chick reaching for bouquet thinking it means she may actually get married some day, however unlikely that really is.
  
•  The wedding party tables
  
•  Family tables
  
•  B&G saying goodbyes
  
•  B&G in limo counting money received and driving to bank
  
•  Groom trying to fuck Bride in limo as Bride claims she has a headache
  
•  Groom sucking limo drivers cock instead
  

Yee-ha! Here come the Wagoneers!!!

awhile back I'm talking with a rather wound-up bride and we're going over her shot list. No big deal, since she was pretty cool about it. But then she says, "And don't forget the Wagoneers."

"Excuse me." I say.

"The Wagoneers!" she repeats with delight, eyes widening with anticipation.

what the fuck is a wagoneer?

She continues, "You know, the infants that are being pulled down the aisle in the decorated red wagon!!!"

"I was not aware of that." I add, wondering exactly what this debacle will look like. 

What a great idea, lets put infants too small to even walk in a wedding. OH! BETTER YET!!! Lets scare the living shit out of them and yank them all around creation in a wagon decorated with bad polyester lace and bangles I bought in the wedding section of  Michael Arts and Crafts! Nothing says 'classic wedding' like cheap, fucking lace crap hot glued to a rolling cart. Maybe the toddlers were hot glued in as well to keep them in place, or from running right to Child Protective Services.

So a few hours later out come the kids, sitting back to back in their lacey rolling monstrosity, looking absolutely bewildered and terrified. The obligatory 'ooohs!' and 'aahhhsss! come from the crowd as they snap away with their plastic Rite-Aid cameras.

These kids are fucked forever now. Do everyone a favor, and unless the child can personally express their desire to participate, just ;leave them at home where they really want to be.

the hired help

About a year ago I was shooting a wedding in the Hartford area at what was a really nice venue. The bride was all wound up and cunty, and was yelling at her mother the whole time, who was doting over her every move. It took a lot for me to stay calm.

Anyway, she made a big deal about how she didn't want to spend 'forever' taking formal shots so she could have fun ( something she had apparently never tried before) at the cocktail hour.

So the time comes to start shooting and she has an innumerable amount of combinations of every conceivable family member. So I could only guess that she was abducted by aliens at some point who had twisted her mind between the time we met and the wedding. It was the total opposite of what she told me all along she wanted.

While she has me shooting ever relative that ever lived - she says "We need to do this fast!!! I'm paying $2000 for the steel drum band that i'm not even getting to hear..." .....as she assembles yet another grouping. It's hot, I'm aggravated, I was done an hour ago, my nuts are sweaty and I want to get inside.

After all of this nonsense, the groom (a sweet guy I felt bad for, as he didn't stand a chance with this broad) looks at me and says "Hey, thanks for taking all those shots." His new wife, Cunty Bitchstein, looks at him and says: "You don't have to thank him, that's what we're paying him for."  I was aghast. Did she REALLY just say that in front of me? Do you REALLY think I'm going to do anything for you the rest of the day other than wish or your timely demise. Dontcha' think maybe you have your Tampax jammed up your hoo-hoo too far?

I ---I can't even think of something funny to end this with as that still upsets me to this day!...well, "hoo-hoo" is pretty funny if you think about it.

momma's little helpers

UMMMM,yummy!

There are several online sites where customers can post details of their upcoming events. Photographers can then purchase their email address if interested. This is a listing as it appeared awhile back:

Ceremony at Church in Westport, Reception to follow at The Yacht Club in Greenwich, CT
Estimate about 250 Guests.

Looking for the following:

1. Enthusiastic and aggressive photographer willing to get in the middle of things to get the perfect shot.

2. A variety of detail and thought in the shots. Using variation in light, background, exposure, depth of field to highlight the subject and capture the moment.

3. Someone who is going to scout the wedding site(s) ahead of time and plan the shots accounting for indoor and outdoor photography requirements based on time of day and location.

4. Someone who can tell a story with the pictures from the preparation and anxiety at the beginning of the day down to the sheer exhilaration and playful nature of the ceremony and following reception.

5.Established Portfolio proving experience satisfying the previous bullets


Exactly what does someone like this expect from a photographer – or ANY vendor for that matter. Could anything ever be right? She says right there that she’s planning on having anxiety that morning. I have anxiety just reading this. At least she’s being up front that she has no plans on being calm until she starts mindlessly jumping up and down like a silly schoolgirl when her “playful nature” kicks in. More like when the Xanax kicks in. Perhaps the caterer is creating a delicious Paxil punch, to assist her with the “sheer exhilaration” part of the night. She might have added "Someone willing to lick my sphincter hole" since it seems that what's she wants and needs.
So if you’re supposed to go the the location in advance to “plan the shots accounting for indoor and outdoor photography requirements based on time of day and location” can you imagine if it rained that day? She’d have you in court before she said “I do,” and right after that have a complete breakdown. This chick is right on the edge as it is – I wish I could be a fly on the wall when she starts looking for a dress.

Personally, I can think of a satisfying experience involving bullets, but it has nothing to do with a portfolio.

a big bowl of shit

I was at a place a few weeks back which is notorious for not feeding you (yes you know who you are, the INN AT FUCKING LONGSHORE)

So anyway, expecting that I brought snacks only to later find that they put out a big bowl of soggy, pre-chewed ziti and saliva. I figured, OK thats better than nothing.

 A staff member said happily, "OH! You're also getting a meal!"

"Really?" we questioned, "what is it?"

"Stew"! he said cheerily. 

Now who the fuck serves stew at a wedding, or to anybody for that matter? 

Out comes the heat tray a little later, and when I peeled back the lid it looked like body parts in a red sauce with peppers---unlike any 'stew' I have ever encountered.  It was road-kill and abortion all tossed together with love, sealed with a kiss and topped off with something that leaked out of my asshole. I asked that same staff member who was downing some like it was his last meal, "So what IS it?"

"Filet Mignon pieces in sauce." I wondered who would ruin a filet by coating it with a sauce made of poop. 

In the corner I noticed a band member ready to heave.

"Is it any good?" I asked knowing the answer.

"If you like big, chewy pieces of fat, yes." 

I opted out at that point, as it TRULY looked like they took the guests remaining food, chopped it up and mashed it into some steamy hot pile of shit that I had seen the day before at the bottom of my toilet bowl.

Why do places like this think thats OK? And why do they pull a fast one on couples who THINK they're paying for a REAl meal for you. I'm not even a bride and it pisses me off.

it's high -time, don't you think?

Isn't it about time someone started bloggin about how insane brides can be - and how shitty you get treated as a wedding 'vendor'. The name alone grates on my nerves..."Excuse me---Vendor--- Oh, we have a vendor meal for you in back, down the stairs next to the milk crates and old cans of soup!" Enjoy your day old sandwich, muthafucker. You don't need a fork, do you?"