another typical 'we love you but chose someone else' email

this was received by a reader recently:

Hi again, Thanks for the follow up but we already signed with another photograper. Your work speaks for it self and we will surely recommend you to others. -Beth Uh huh - so you REALLY 'loved' my work but before even meeting me you signed with another photographer, yet will refer me left and right. You crazy fucking bitch---. Well thats simply terrific. Good for you and your cheap-ass, discount wedding escapade. And 8 years from now, when your sitting home with a banana jammed up your pussy since your husband will have nothing to do with you, and you're surrounded by your 3 out-of control children, and you are looking at the photos you spent $699.00 on.... don't come crying to me how we 'should have known better'.... Sister---you get what you deserve and what you pay for. At and the dump you were having this nightmare at (along CT's coastline on the edge of the 'water' which is NOW notorious for multiple weddings simultaneously...YOU do the math) ...good luck with your special fucking day being anything other than yet another boring, by-the-book , over-planned factory venue monstrosity. Happy wedding, you cheap twat. I only wish the worst. Ohhh!! Did I say that out-loud?!

shoot my wedding for free

There is a crazy cunt who has been sending around this email to GROUPS of photographers (I say 'groups' in that she doesn't even have the good sense to make it APPEAR she is just emailing one person at a time---she just clumps together everyone she seems to be able to get a hold of) As far as we can tell - she has sent out at least 3 emails blasts so far:

Hi there! I was wondering if you might consider shooting my wedding
TFCD? I know this is a very odd proposal, but desperate times call for
desperare measures. I am a first year teacher and my finace is just
starting out in media production. We don't have a huge budget for our
wedding, which is planned for summer 2011. What we DO have are great
personalities and a very fun family! I have done quite a bit of
modeling and commercial work and my finace is absolutely adorable (if
I do say so myself)!! I know that I have done a lot of modeling
portfolio shoots TFCD and figured it was worth a try to see if we
could get a wedding photographer to agree to this. I promise we would
be fun and easy to work with, and provide you with some great wedding
shots to add to your portfolio. Please consider this proposal and let
me know if you would be interested! Thanks!

for those who care to research this fascinating subject at length, i suggest you begin HERE

Hmmmmm? Lets see---so this is a wedding and not a modeling shoot as far as I can tell---OH! I see...so because YOU think you are so fucking adorable and your family so sweet and charming, we should give up a prime wedding date during the summer (date and locale not yet chosen, I might add) to photograph your special fucking day for FREE? Do I get my cock sucked by you in return since you're so fucking 'cute'? Perhaps i'd prefer sodomizing your fiance's unwilling pooper? Can I screw whom I choose from the wedding party like going to a brothel? I'll take that one and, ummmmm--- THAT one!

Is the wedding some place UNBELIEVABLE, or just at another shitball wedding hall with fake rocks and fountains? I mean, if you;re getting married on the Internationmal Space Station or something, then gust let me know---

• Will I be left alone and shoot what i want?
• 
  
• Can i only stay 2 hours, and leave when it starts to get boring, which is generally 1/3 of the way through the day?
• 
  
• Can I not take a single formal or group shot?
• 
  
• Can I ignore obnoxious guests and tell them to 'fuck off' without repercussion?
• 
  
• when someone come up to me and says "HEY PHOTOGRAPHER---DID YOU GET THAT PICTURE???" can I slap them senseless across the face and knee them in the pussy?

Regardless of these questions to which I am well aware the answer is a resounding 'NO' - my professional suggestion you braindead dummy, is that you fuck yourself, and then get some relative who is 'really interested in photography and takes good piktures' to shoot your goddamn nightmare of a cheapass, discount day.

May you live happily forever and have a bunch of adorable cheap-as-shit children who will haunt you for the rest of your living days looking for a free handout like you are.

I need a shrink, but I'll email you instead.

a reader sent us this email they received:

hi , first of all, the wedding pictures of ____ and ____ are just amazing...you captured them both so beautifully and your talent and creativity shine through them. They will have wedding pictures to treasure. Something has bothered me a bit and i wanted to talk to you in person about it but here goes....there were no formal pictures of the extended family, other than the few of ___ and myself with the kids . We have a large family and we are very close to them all, particularly my sister and brother and kids who are like siblings to the groom. I asked him if there was an "essential" photo wish list and he seemed to think not. I guess what i am suggesting is that there be one...if i had the opportunity to make a list beforehand, we would have those photos to "have on the mantle". I guess I feel that one of your assistants could be assigned to the both sets of parents to make sure the essentials for each family get done done the day of the event. I love the photos you took so much, but can't help feel the tiniest bit left out. Please do not share this with the bride and groom. The day had come and gone and it was glorious and now time to let it go...i just needed to get it off my chest. Regards, Patty

Dear Mrs. Patty-Passive-Aggressive: Honestly? You're going to fucking write me a month after the wedding when nothing can be done anything at this point? You couldn't open your trap that day when there were 2 of us roaming around ALL DAY LONG? Were everyones tongues sliced off in Communist China? Oh no, no, no---I know what's better: wait a few weeks then send a cunty email. OH!!! and don't DARE tell the bride and groom: I would just like for YOU to be upset since you did such a wonderful job while simultaneously fucking up so badly and I don't have a brain cell in my old, creaky skull to think that maybe you are not a clairvoyant and could not have read my FUCKING MIND that day!!!! Go fuck yourself you old, bitter, rancid hag.