style guru

There is a new wave of chilling salesmanship on the wedding horizon - one that is once again aimed at unsuspecting vendors and professionals. Certain 'pretty' blogs with a fair amount of 'style'...this new approach is the 'Exclusive Wedding Blog'; one that will only host a select number of vendors. One that fancies themselves hosted by 'style gurus' - who are in fact - chicks sitting around their living room on a laptop dreaming up the Next Big Thing. I guess thats

Capitalism in the flesh when you stop and think about it.

In the past if you had the dollars, you could get an ad. They practically jumped though the phone to give you a hand job. And if you placed a print ad - there was inevitably oral pleasure involved.

These days, things have changed and what's rather appalling about this new approach, is how these jokers are now sending out emails targeting photographers and wedding pros with a "non-refundable application fee." THAT is previously unheard of; to simply pay to be considered.

Sounds to me like someone needs diapers for their kids.

What background do these 'gurus' have? What criteria do they utilize, not only judge the vendors, but dole out the wedding opinions to doe-eyed, puzzled brides all willy-nilly? Don't brides have enough shit to sift through without this bullshit getting added to the mix?

What this basically amounts to is this: "Please send us Yentas sitting arounf in our PJ's, in a 2 bedroom apartment making random decisions some cash. We'll tell everyone that cookies and the color BLUE will be hot his year - and OH yes- you also owe us $750 for listing this year."

It's a National Tragedy- can I have a discount?

This is truly disgusting and submitted by a reader who received this email:

My fiance and I are in the begining process of researching photographers and, we were looking to stay around the $2000 range. Is this something you could work with? Some vendors have been more willing to negotiate because of the implication on our date (9-11!). Let me know your thoughts.

Have a great day-

Oh wait - I'm black too....and handicapped - so let me play the 'race card' as well as the 'handicapable card'...and i'm gay hispanic too - I forgot about that!--- maybe if I have enough things to milk YOU will owe ME money.

How repulsive to use 9-11 as a reason for a fucking discount. Know what? If you're REALLY that troubled by then, then pick another date, asshole. There are 51 other muthafucking weekends in the year that do not equate with a sensitive National Tragedy, you cheap prick.

After 9-11, I wondered if anyone would consciously pick that date to hold their event. Some may say it doesn't matter - I personably feel it's 'too soon' as they say. It is a date that is DEFINED BY the date itself (not something like 'pearl harbor' , the first time you had your period or got your little pussy fucked or "WW 2"---this IS NINE ELEVEN---

Just simply repulsive

this has nothing to do with weddings

but is just damn funny...

I need this from you

here's a laugh riot thats ben making the rounds from someone who wants to book someone on a saturday in the peak-summertime for 4 hours and at a cut-rate price. Why not call you old baby sitter, as she probably has an old Instamatic lying around and could do this for you with all the style, care and pizzaz you obviously don't give 2 shits about:

Hi angryvendor,

The below referenced package is what I am seeking.

Could you let me know the price as well as payment schedule please?

1. 4 Hours – Coverage
2. 4X6 Prints
3. On-line viewing site for friends and family
4. High resolution CD Rom, with rights
5. Engagement sitting

Time Schdule for the event is from 5pm till 9pm

Can each item be itemized out please?

Regards,
Apain Intheass

get lost, Camera Guy

"I hate you,Goyum"

...so I recently attended a wedding rehearsal - simple enough, take a few shots-- right? In/out everybody's happy.

Perhaps - but not when its overseen by the worlds nastiest Rabbi. This was a REHEARSAL - and while they were actually signing the Ketubah - making it therefore all legit so the groom to be could pork the bride later on and not feel guilty - it was held in the dining room of a country club. Not exactly the most sacred and holy of spots.

As the servers whiz by - trays full of pungent food held high overhead, he is suddenly distracted by a noisy child. He looks over his shoulder and says (I paraphrase) "If the kids are going to make that much noise then they---well---need to be removed."

REMOVED? I'm no fan of screaming kiddies, but what clergy member has kids taken OUT of a service. Someone remind me again why i don't attend church...

OK - so a bit later right before the signing, I sit at one of the chairs at the table - pretty normal behavior for me. Now this slob is sweaty - I mean 'have-to-keep-a-hankie-on-my-right-hand-to-swab-the-drips' sweaty. His tired little yamaka sliding down his moist, greasy scalp. He looks up at me and says, "Camera Guy--you cannot use flash during this ceremony. I shall tell you when you're able to use flash."

"OH, ok." I say to him turning of the flash. He then looks at me and waves his stumpy hand full of swollen fingers at me like there was a gnat flying around- to shoo me away! HE"S FUCKING SHOOING ME AWAY!

So i get up - blood boiling - and move away 3 tables.

The ceremony proceeds and at the end - his Frodo stand-in of a wife 'announces' to the room "You may now take flash photography if you wish" I sit motionless. "Fuck you." i'm thinking to myself.

"Where is the Camera Guy?" he says outloud. Uhhh - right over here RABBI GUY.

"I'm good, thanks---" I say regarding the photos I will now NOT take. What am I supposed to shoot? The service is over. People sitting around a badly decorated dining room table in a glorified mess hall? A shot of them all staring blankly up at me? If it would have not caused a fuss - or if I could have gotten him aside, I would have loved to ask "What exactly WAS I supposed to be photographing at that point?"

Sometimes it does not pay to leave the house

stop selling me your shit

You know what I mean - you open a photography magazine and whats it filled with (other than ads)? Photographers selling you their fucking shit. Seminars. DVD'S. Online training. Actions. Presets. Web templates. Weekend Getaways. Light diffusers. Textures. Training. Plug-ins. Whale Tails and Ding Dongs. E-Books etc etc etc ad nauseam.

I get it, OK! You wanna make a buck. And I am equally guilty for giving in now and then. I have bought my share of STUFF - some of it cool, much of it not.

How does anyone have time to shoot anymore? REMEMBER that? The camera and that passion? Shooting cool stuff with no hidden agenda? Rather than: "I'll shoot this only because this blog likes that kind of work, and that blog is smokin' hot right now, and if I get in there i'll get published here or there - after which so-and-so will see it and ask me to give a talk with them, and i'll get invited to L.A. and then i'll get to work with this florist who fucks that planner who knows that MAGAZINE PUBLISHER!!!! - Genius! Then I can stoop shooting, charge $10,000 an appearance and talk for the rest of my life about my 10 winning photos I took 15 years ago, that I can show over and over and over and over and over which no one will call me out on because at this point: I'M ME!!! And ME is a virtual rockstar."

You think the famed photographers who paved the way for each and every one of us were busy dreaming up crap to sell the rest of their peers? Did Richard Avedon have his mug plastered on the side of a bus sponsored by Kodak. Think Ansel was siting on Half Dome concocting a week long seminar on how to reproduce images EXACTLY LIKE HIS?

Nope.

Listen - just cool it a little. Lets try to get back to basics and don't forget about The Work. I wonder if potential couples have any idea of the constant barrage of shit we're fed with each new magazine/blog/trade show? It's headache inducing. It's depressing. It's upsetting.

A gimmick can only last so long - and people are fickle. Solid work will with outlast all of the B.S. Do your thing the best you know how, and don't worry so much about being the Next Big Thing. If it's supposed to happen---then it'll happen.

The last thing I need is another DVD telling me how wrong i've been doing everything.

Incidentally this rant is available as an Mp3 download, DVD seminar or paperback for $19.95 each , plus shipping.

i need my images yesterday

it's been a long time coming. creeping slowly...insidious. Once Upon A Time - you dragged your ass to the lab, plopped down your film, crossed your fingers, hoped the kid processing it getting paid $8.50 an hour was paying attention and used DEVELOPER rather than FIXER, and that the lights were kept off. Then it was prints or a contact sheet which had to be mailed, which meant properly sized envelopes, cardboard and a trip back to the post-ofice to have it weighed.

all that has changed, but is it for the best?

It is a good thing when you shoot a wedding on a Saturday and then in SUNDAY you have relatives emailing you for passwords...wondering where on earth the photos are. How could you delay things so outrageously? Don't you know how important each and every image is that they need to see it the next day? ...matter of fact - how about you make them appear even before you shoot the fuckers?

I mean-- come on people; I know you're excited but give us a break. I recently received an email suggesting that perhaps there was something wrong with the images from a family shoot---because 3 days passed without their seeing anything!!!!! Really? 3 days - 2 of which were the weekend.

I simply don't know what else to do to make people happy....

look at the fucking camera

SO try and tell me this hasn't happened to you: you are ready to shoot a group shot ---say 8 maybe 12 people---perhaps more.

You give everybody a count; a polite heads up: "OK! everybody READY!? HERE WE FUCKING GO..."

1---2---THREE!!!

click,click,click

And what do you get? The brides eyes are closed. The bridesmaid is checking out if the bar has started serving. The best man is checking out the bridesmaids tits. The grooms mother is watching guests disappointed at the shitty hors d'oeuvres selection. The groom is staring off blankly into the horizon of his doom.

And I Goddamn invisible people? Have any of you loser ever BEEN in front of a camera before? Are you 5 years old? How difficult can it really be, for a 125th of a second to not blink, open your piehole, turn your head sideways or make a stupid face? Is this photography thing brand new...it only started in the 1820's. Get on board, people.

we need your three million dollars

....so this fucking BULLSHIT was recently received from the time-to-get-over-themselves-Ritz-Carlton hotel of White Plains (WHITE PLAINS, for fucks sake!!! have you BEEN to FUCKING White Plains) Oooo girl - someone's pussy was all in a knot when they concocted this paperwork...This is their 4 page 'Vendor Policy' of which I shall quote distinguished highlights:

Upon arrival, all Vendors are required to check in with our Loss Prevention Department (Security) located immediately to the left after you enter through the double doors from the Loading Dock.

All event vendors carrying equipment MUST come through the Loading Dock at the ‘back of the house.’ Vendors are not permitted to load through the main (“Guest”) entrance to the hotel. (yep - enter through the hotels anus, please)

All Vendors must present valid picture identification and sign into Visitors Log.

All Vendors will receive a wrist band which must be worn at all times whilst on hotel property. (oh my: 'whilst'. So english---so classy...so sophisticated)

A $500 charge (to vendor) will be assessed for the removal of excessive trash, equipment or set up items left by Vendors after their departure that requires additional hotel labor to remove.

All food and non-alcoholic beverages are to be consumed in a designated area. (hmmmm...back to the loading dock? hallway? toilet stall, perhaps? thats always a nice place to jam food into your gullet in the 5 minutes they give you)

Vendors removing or consuming food from the guest buffets, reception stations or other designated guest-only food areas, will be charged $175.00 per person. (REALLY? FOR CUBES OF OLD KRAFT CHEDDAR CHEESE?)

AND THE CAPPER, AS IF WEARING A WRIST BAND ALL NIGHT WAS NOT HUMILIATING ENOUGH:

All outside vendors must provide a certificate of insurance with general liability coverage of a minimum of $3,000,000.00. Certificate must also list The Ritz-Carlton, Westchester, The Ritz-Carlton Hotel blahblahblah

NEVER--EVER, EVER (is that clear enough?) HAVE I OR ANYONE I AM AWARE OF BEEN ASKED TO PROVIDE THAT MUCH INSURANCE COVERAGE. What gives? Do they suspect i'm bringing in a Uzi? (although these rules are certainly enough to make one consider that...I wonder if Target sells them?...I have a gift card I need to use)

Do they think i'll go on a rampage. Its a C A M E R A for the love of god. You know? snapshots. clickity-click-click??Family memories.... Does a doctor opening up ones scalp to poke around a throbbing brain go through this much?

Yep - nothing like setting a positive tone with you in advance if the event. Nice job, people.

more fun from The Inn at Longshore

It simply never stops with this dump:

an email today from a future couple---

"...we had our meeting with Longshore last night and we inquired about the vendor meal. They told us the vendor meal consists of a hot protein and salad and that it was up to the chef. They would not commit to what a "hot protein" would be. Since you've dealt with the Inn in the past, I am not sure if you want to chance it and request the vendor meal. Let me know what you would like to do."

HOT PROTEIN??? Is the chef going to shoot his hot sperm load onto a dish for me? Thats very thoughtful and all, but this is what they tell couples? Unbelievable---

the Inn at Longshore sucks hot shit from my ass

...those fuckers at Inn At Longshore are at it again. Playing their 'only game in town card', now they are not just treating vendors like Nazi prisoners, NOW THEY ARE TAKING IT OUT ON COUPLES!!!!! Read on for a true story---

"Just wanted to touch base on a little change of plans... You were 100%
correct about the Inn at Longshore. We have run into a major
contractual issue with them, and are being forced to change our
reception venue. Given the shady way they have treated us,
we have little faith that our reception would come off without a hitch.
We're now moving to another hotel for our reception,
and are looking into church options down in the area as well to ease the
Friday night rush hour travel for our guests. I just wanted to let you
know right away to make sure that you're ok with driving to the new locale"

here's the shit those fucking pricks are pulling:

We had an initial meeting w/ this woman- - - - - - -, where we shared our estimated numbers, talked about options etc. We aren't having a huge wedding, it's only about 115 people, so we were specifically looking for a place without a "minimum." Since we booked a Friday night, she assured us that there weren't any minimums and waived some other nominal charges for cocktail setup etc. I sent in a form w/ a credit card deposit to hold the date in good faith. We received a letter of intent from them (to be signed) stating that there was a minimum (of a ridiculous amount), so we called multiple times to let them know that we couldn't sign it, that we needed it revised with the terms that we agreed to. Months went by. No agreement. I called again. Via email, I was assured that the terms discussed with her were in place, and that we would sit down to go through the contract soon. Then recently we finally went there, and again - this ridiculous minimum was on the form. We went back and forth, and found out that - - - -, the person we originally dealt with, has been fired and that they are not willing to honor her terms. That was the thing that initially made us think of running the other way… but it was this woman, Jamie who really sealed the deal. She was so rude and nasty… and inappropriate! Rudely interrupting us when we were discussing our options, talking about how she had to sell a certain dollar amount to support her kid because she doesn't get child support and that she had her Dad cosign for her car (she's in her 40's) etc. etc.

[REALLY? boo-hoo-hoo----are you fucking serious? Are you running a friggin' business or do you need tickets to "Maury"?]

How professional!!!.....

What a nightmare for the client!!!!! Hopefully that dusty, overrated shithole will eventually rot to the ground. The last time I was there their air conditioning was LITERALLY leaking out of one of the walls in the reception room. The poor puzzled staff was trying to remedy it but placing dinner napkins under the leak to absorb it. Its nothing but a a glorified VFV hall with a psudeo-view, which stinks like my saggy day-old underpanties at low tide.

I hope that this crap is biting then in the ass. You should not be treating clients this way in this economy---or EVER for that matter. When this crazy bitch is at the welfare office looking for foodstamps, maybe she'll change her tune and lighten the fuck up.

Let me add - that this is the SECOND situation I have encountered in the last month where someone has backed out of their contract with these bastards - even at the expense of losing up to $2,500, just to NOT deal with them. This shit should not fly, PERIOD.

This place SO PISSES ME OFF. If you have a wedding there or are thinking about it---beware!!! (and this is not even because they serve recycled, baked diarrhea to the vendors [see below for recipe] )

The Inn at Longshore is at it again---

I had high hopes. I really did. The last several times I was at The Inn At Longshore the staff was very nice and actually went out of they way to be sure I was fed. "Somethings changed!" I happily thought to my self.

Not so fast.

The staff was still very nice, and mentioned "OH! WE have a meal for you later!" What they failed to mention was that the chef used to obviously work in a Iranian prison, and is experienced in using fecal matter as foodstuffs. We go in the back where there are multiple food trays awaiting. As we peel back the silver lid, we're met with a visual display unlike any other.

First the accompagnement: a few soggy pieces of what was once-upon-a-time asparagus, that appeared to be cooked in their industrial dishwasher. I could almost hear it screaming to be put out of its misery. AHH - but wait---in the CENTER of the vegetables were a few, leftover pieces of ziti with tomato sauce (the lucky guests had a scrumptious pasta course) So what the fuck is that? It was like "OH, we had some ziti we found on the floor, lets throw it in the middle of the vegetables." REALLY? Who DOES that?

and now for the plat principal- of which I was lucky enough to get the recipe!

step 1- find some poop on the lawn - preferably old and lumpy (Goose poop is always a gourmets choice)

step 2- form it into an long oval loaf about 3 inches across.

step 3- bake at 350 for 5 hours, so the edges get nice and crispy so no one can tell what its made of

step 4- slice it to give the appearance of something special, rather than the fucking lump of shit it really is

step 5- serve it to your helpless vendors who you obviously do not give 2 shits about

step 6- tell the bride the vendors have been fed so you stay out of trouble

step 7 - prepare to run to the can to shit out whatever the hell you just ate. Save said poop for kitchen to create tomorrows dinner. Ah, the Circle Of Life.

But honestly - I TRULY did not know what the fuck it was. Was it meatloaf? Was it a sausage thingy? Why was it so tiny? (an inch thick, 3 inches across) Whose rectum had it just slid out of?

I don't know why they think they can continue to get away with this. I assume they figure they can bank on their semi-nice view and feed people crap. Band together vendors--don't stand for this!!!

we're not hiring you, but we'll tell all our friends to use you!

what the fuck is THAT. When a couple calls and tells you they have gone elsewhere for your services but then proceed to alleviate their guilt by saying how they will 'Recommend you to ALL OF THEIR FRIENDS!!"

"Uh yeah, Hi Susie, yes---say, Bill and I are getting married! Can you believe it? He finally popped the question...say, who did you use for your photography?"

"OH, well we HIRED the fine folks at Magical Wedding Fantasy Champagne Memory Studios, but YOU should call these OTHER people who we did not hire."

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Well they were SO nice and did such BEAUTIFUL work, it was unbelievable."

"But you didn't hire them...do you hate me or something?"

"NONSENSE we adore you, which is why you should call the people we didn't use--they were SO nice and we just LOVED everything about them."

"Are you high?"

"Well not yet today no, but you HAVE to call them, even though we did not use them. They're wonderful and we'd use them again for everything if we had it to do over, but we're not and never will so we won't have to worry about that!"

"I'm calling the hospital to take you away, Susie."

Do everyone a favor and drop the bullshit when you decide against a particular vendor...or you may go to The Funny Farm like Susie.

The Best Worst wedding ever

Where do I begin to tell the story of the worst and lowest budget wedding I've ever had the pleasure of attending? How do I describe it without sounding smug or nasty?

I could tell you about the 19 year old bride who got married to her 21 year old husband because she was knocked up...but you might take that the wrong way. Maybe I could share how at her house while getting ready - her delightful brother---Miller Lite in hand---kept saying 'fuck this' and 'fucking' that right in front of a 6 year old. Does anyone have child protective services phone number handy? Or perhaps the direct line to Jerry Springer?

Or about the reception held in a church function hall that looked like a high school gym, replete with enchanting crepe paper decorations and white and purple balloons with wedding designs printed on them from the discount bin at Party City...but then you might think me rude.

I could regale you with tales of the ‘bar’ at the reception, which consisted of canned soda and boxed Franzia wine, served with plastic cups out of a red and white plastic cooler on the floor. Or about the wedding cake served on plastic plates with plastic knives. Does that make me cold?

How about the favors – bookmarks and little tulle bags with Hershey kisses inside with a tiny magical bell attached. Would I be mean if I told you about the centerpieces?--- round bowls filled with water, pebbles at the bottom , along with a single floating candle and a live fish – all in lieu of flowers. The poor little fish swimming for it's life, desperately trying not to get ignited by said candle.

Could I possibly be making this up? Maybe you’d like to hear about the church aisle runner coming detached, the brides carnation and baby's breath bouquet or the large tattoo between her shoulder blades. How about the decorative sparkles she glued next to her eyes, or the Best Mans “speech” which went something like “Uh, ummm – good luck you guys."

Ahhh - love! You can't put a price on it.

we LOVE your work but we have no money

What the fuck? I know the economy is in the shitter, but it's an email like this that will send you to the looney bin:

" First, I'd like you to know that we truly love your photographs. When we compare photographers, the quality of your work clearly stands out. It is exemplary, beautiful, and captures the essence of not only the day, but the uniqueness of each couple as well. At this time, however, we are working with a limited budget and are not sure that we can fully afford the price you have quoted. If there is any wiggle room, or ways that we can work together to decrease the cost, it would be great to discuss things further. Thank you so much for your understanding and we hope to speak with you soon!"

YES, baby---wiggle yourself to the ATM and make a withdrawal. So it's in a situation like this that I have to wonder - if the photography is so fucking important, then what ELSE has gone under the budget hatchet? It's really a matter of bridal preference in the end, isn't it?

Is she going all out on the dress, or buying some shitty-ass-poly-blend-fire-hazard that might ignite when her fat thighs rub together?

Is she going to make a Stop and Shop run for flowers and a bushel of babys breath on the way to the altar? Maybe some nice plastic or silk delights from Michael's Arts & Crafts...as nothing say 'classic' more than flowers that smell like a plastic garbage bag. . . sprinkle some glitter around the table and you'll provide your guests with a sparkling fantasyland, as well as something for the kids to inhale and choke on. Throw around some shit trinkets from Christmas Tree Shops too and make the table look full. Full of shitty crap.

Think she'll expect the groom to go cheapo on the ring? Fuck no! That poor sap is now in the hole for the next 10 years trying to pay off that glimmering Pussy Insurance.

No no, a much smarter choice would be to skimp on your photography: the thing you cannot live without but somehow simply cannot pay for. So in 10 years when the shit-ass proofs you got from "Tony Nunzio's Champagne Fantasy Photography and Video DJ Studios" fade to the color of urine and ice tea, you're 8 kids can look at you and say, "Mom and Dad---you were some cheap motherfuckers."