shitty wedding from hell

You kinda know it in advance. When the couple is just not a good match but you still take the job hoping for the best. Hoping they will come around and see the light.

But then you get that 'photo shot request' email that starts to make you wonder. "Can you shoot us while magically hovering above us in space as we look longingly into each others eyes? Even though we won't pay for 2 photographers, can you be in the aisle as well as in the 4 story balcony at the same time. Can you Bi-Locate?"

And of course, its at that point you realize that this wedding will be one of the 'bad ones' for the year.

They always happen you know. Try as you may to weed them out. They sneak through the cracks like an earwig in the middle of the summer and before you know it - they have squirmed into your head and planted their eggs.

This is The One i was worried about--- and it may have been the death of me. Agitated bride. Hyper-controlling mother who is out of her mind and wants all these shots of herself she keeps posing for, in that creepy stop-look-smile manner.

"Did u get a picture of THIS??? did u get a shot of THAT???!!! You shot the mantle? Didya shoot the pastries on the tray? You shot the table? You shot this fucking muthafuking shit or another...RIGHT??!!"

YES YES YES, godammitt. Go change your Tampax.

So It's raining with the humidity at 200%, which if you happen to be in SoCal or someplace where humidity is not an issue, you cannot appreciate. You sweat in unimaginable places. Things that shouldn't, cling and stick to each other in your nether regions.

This wedding was almost everything I hate about weddings rolled into one. Disinterested groom and bridal party. Disorganized. Fat slobs. Micromanage happy. Forced smiles. A Dad who took pride in his Not Smiling. Distractions. No one paying attention. No focus. No one listening to me like i'm invisible.

As if I don't exist.

People telling me how to shoot. Guests tapping me on the shoulder during the reception saying "HEY!! Take THIS picture!!!" "Did you get THAT over THERE???!!"

Gum chewing during formals in church by the mother.

The same mother who was all uptight about everything being so fucking perfect at the house. Yes she has a wad of gum on her mouth. Am I at a County Fair? Am I judging you on your cud munching ability? Shall I present you with a ribbon?

So I say to her--- "YOU are chewing gum!?"

"No i'm not." she says as she stops chewing like she's a little kid.

"YES you are---this is like a sixth grade classroom!!!" (which i cant believe i said, but this was my chance to dish the shit back at her.)

"Can we do this fast? Can you shoot so and so (mere moments after the wedding) they have to leave." TO FUCKING GO WHERE??? I mean - we are all but 2 minutes into 'formals' and people have to LEAVE?? I ask "well WHERE do they have to do - we have barely taken any photos"

"Well its hot and they have to take the kids." No shit its hot, as the sweat literally is running into my burning eyeballs. HERE'S A THOUGHT - leave the fucking kids at home IF IT'S THAT MUCH OF AN ISSUE--FOR FUCKS SAKE.

I take ONE SETUP and Miss Bride says, "Can we move at some point? I don't want all the shots in the same place." I gave her a really dirty 'are you fucking kidding me' look and said "We WILL, that was only THE FIRST PHOTO!!!!"

The .

First.

God.

Damn.

Photo.

Later on at the reception I hear- "Did you shoot the cake?"

NO.

i've been to 400 muthafucking weddings and I never do THAT. Why on earth would i shoot your fucking ugly cake.

I'm sorry - did you hire a circus clown of a WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHER? Why come to think of it, I could second guess your choice of what seems to be a potentially abusive husband, but chose kept my trap shut. Why don't you try the same approach and let me do the job you hired me for?

....end of the night I get this: "I hope WE did not drive you TOO crazy and you had SOME fun!"

you did drive me crazy. Enough to make me want to quit the business

And I did NOT have any fucking fun, you wacky cunt. Being second guessed and bossed around is not my idea of fun---is it YOURS?

Have a blast in Aruba--be sure to take the Natalie Holloway Death Tour---

Wedding Enjoyed By No One But Bride

(copied here from The Onion)

NEW ROCHELLE, NY—The lavish, 250-guest wedding of James and Mindy Gallagher, held Sunday at the New Rochelle Country Club, was enjoyed by no one but the bride.

The bride poses with some of the sufferers.

"Today is such a beautiful day," said attendee Chris Barker, a second cousin of the groom, as he watched the newlyweds dance. "I can't believe I'm stuck spending it at this stupid thing when I could be out playing golf."

Barker, who drove four hours from Philadelphia to attend the event, was then dragged off for a table photo with the 14 complete strangers with whom he was seated.

"I'm pretty sure I've set my all-time single-day record for awkward conversations," continued Barker, forcing a smile as a photographer snapped the table picture. "Not that I could hear anything anybody said to me, what with that godawful wedding band blaring 'Old Time Rock 'N' Roll' and 'Love Shack' the whole time."

Like 249 of the 250 in attendance, members of the bridal party expressed a lack of enthusiasm for the $200,000 affair.

"To be honest, I never really liked Mindy all that much," said bridesmaid Ellen Lessing, 24, a college sorority sister of the bride. "I always thought she was kind of a stuck-up bitch. But when she asked me to be in her bridal party—I guess because I'd been her sorority sponsor back in college—I felt obligated to go. We've had almost no contact since graduation, yet I still flew halfway across the country just to be in the wedding of someone I hardly even know."

Compounding Lessing's misery was the "vomit-worthy" purple and teal dress that she and the other bridesmaids were forced to purchase and wear.

"This abomination cost me $675," said Lessing, who has no plans ever to wear the dress again. "I'd be pissed even if it didn't make me look like a walrus."

Other friends had their own reasons for not having a good time. These ranged from jealousy over not being included in the wedding party to unspoken resentment over all the attention heaped on Mindy, to the sad realization that Mindy would drift apart from her single friends now that she is married.

"Well, Mindy had a wonderful time, so I guess it was worth it, because this is her special day," said Dr. Carl Lingren, 54, father of the bride. "As for me, I'm still not sure why I blew almost $2,400 on place settings, but Mindy assured me that spending the extra money to have the seating cards foil-embossed would make the day 'truly special.' You'd think flying her three cousins and great aunt in from Sweden would've been enough to make it truly special, but apparently not."

Dr. Lingren then retired to the bar, where he proceeded to drink heavily.

Not even groom James Gallagher enjoyed the reception.

"This is the best day of my life," said Gallagher, reading from an index card in a robotic monotone. "All my life has led up to this magical moment, the day I am bound in eternal matrimony to my sweet Mindy forevermore."

Sources close to the groom say the commitment-phobic Gallagher had been dreading the event since Mindy first brought up the idea of marriage more than a year and a half ago, confiding to close confidants that he was "just doing it to finally shut her up."

Personal-relations expert and noted therapist Dr. Eli Wasserbaum said Gallagher's attitude is far from unusual.

"For men, trepidation about marriage is common," Wasserbaum said. "And a total lack of interest in the details of a wedding reception is more common still, even among those who marry willingly. As for the small handful of grooms who actually enjoy their wedding receptions, I'd say most of them are latently gay."

According to Ira Giraldi, editor of Wedding Style magazine, the dread felt by the average wedding guest is understandable.

"Most people don't enjoy weddings—why would they?" Giraldi said. "They have to sit around for long periods making uncomfortable small talk with people they barely know and will probably never see again. They're expected to help offset the great expense of the wedding by purchasing obligatory gifts arbitrarily chosen off some wedding registry—gifts that reflect nothing about the giver. Plus, it generally eats up an entire day, if not a whole weekend, in cases where air travel is involved."

Continued Giraldi: "Worst of all, nobody is ever allowed to openly express these universally held feelings. The rules of social conduct obligate guests to endure the entire experience with a surface patina of strained gaiety, a mask of merrymaking and good cheer that becomes progressively more difficult to maintain as the event drags on."

Despite the boredom of those around her, Mindy had "the most wonderful day ever," bursting into spontaneous tears of joy at several points during the awful-for-everybody-but-her experience.

"I could dance all night," Mindy said. "I wish Jimmy liked to dance more. But I don't care if I'm out on the floor all by myself. This is my day!"

The mother of the bride, traditionally the only other person capable of having a good time at a wedding, was not in attendance, as she died three years ago in a gruesome motorboat accident.

lending a hand in a time of need

One of the great things bout knowing other photographers is that you get to share stories, advice, camaraderie, and friendship. And if one is going to happen to be ATTENDING a wedding you are shooting, then the floodgates of good-tidings open up like it's Christmas morning....

I know how hard your job is So here are some things I'm going to help you out with the day of the wedding:

1) I will be getting the entire wedding party shit canned before the ceremony to make your job impossible.

2) I will speed walking down the isle and will direct the entire BP to do the same.

3) I will be talking non-stop during all the formals. I may mix in a few Captain Morgan posses as well. If I'm not in the photo I will shout things over your shoulder so that I become the center of attention.

4) At some point during the night I will call you "picture guy "or "camera guy "or something along the those lines and make you take a photo of me doing something to the groom that you will most likely need to delete for fear of prosecution.

5) I'll ask you "what camera are you shooting with" and then will look at you blankly when you tell me what it is. I will most likely will follow up with " how many megapixels is that? " I will then walk away looking disappointed in you.

6) I will tell the whoever is handling the ceremony that you are not a photographer. In fact you are most likely an a cult, have a closet full of shrunken heads at home and should not be trusted. You are only there to steal the souls of the people you are "photographing"

7) I will kidnap at lest one BP member or parent during formals and lock them in the bathroom.

8) If at all possible I will direct you to the nearest beautiful gazebo for photos.

9) I will walk into any lightstand you may have put up during the night, no matter where you put it. I'll be sure not alert the fact that your flash is now on the floor in a lump of crumbled batteries and plastic.

10) I will send at lest one guest to attack you on the dance floor. This may or may not include them un-tucking your shirt while your shooting , hip checking or sex simulation.

11) I will tell all the older woman there that you can take 10 year and 20lbs off with your camera. They just have to ask you how to stand the right way.

12) I will spill red wine all over someone important's dress just because I know you can "photoshop that out". Right? That's EASY 'these days'?

13) I will blink and/or turn my head sideways in all of you great group shots.

14) I will be shooting over you shoulder for most if not all of the event. I will also offer up advice for additional group shoots such as bride with everyone of her 45 sorority sisters individually and as a group. One with drinks and one without.

15) I will also set up group shots on my own in the same location and at the same time you. Chances are I'll be shooting all of these with my cell phone and there for they are more important then yours.

These are just a few helpful things I'll be doing to make your day more enjoyable.