shitty wedding from hell

You kinda know it in advance. When the couple is just not a good match but you still take the job hoping for the best. Hoping they will come around and see the light.

But then you get that 'photo shot request' email that starts to make you wonder. "Can you shoot us while magically hovering above us in space as we look longingly into each others eyes? Even though we won't pay for 2 photographers, can you be in the aisle as well as in the 4 story balcony at the same time. Can you Bi-Locate?"

And of course, its at that point you realize that this wedding will be one of the 'bad ones' for the year.

They always happen you know. Try as you may to weed them out. They sneak through the cracks like an earwig in the middle of the summer and before you know it - they have squirmed into your head and planted their eggs.

This is The One i was worried about--- and it may have been the death of me. Agitated bride. Hyper-controlling mother who is out of her mind and wants all these shots of herself she keeps posing for, in that creepy stop-look-smile manner.

"Did u get a picture of THIS??? did u get a shot of THAT???!!! You shot the mantle? Didya shoot the pastries on the tray? You shot the table? You shot this fucking muthafuking shit or another...RIGHT??!!"

YES YES YES, godammitt. Go change your Tampax.

So It's raining with the humidity at 200%, which if you happen to be in SoCal or someplace where humidity is not an issue, you cannot appreciate. You sweat in unimaginable places. Things that shouldn't, cling and stick to each other in your nether regions.

This wedding was almost everything I hate about weddings rolled into one. Disinterested groom and bridal party. Disorganized. Fat slobs. Micromanage happy. Forced smiles. A Dad who took pride in his Not Smiling. Distractions. No one paying attention. No focus. No one listening to me like i'm invisible.

As if I don't exist.

People telling me how to shoot. Guests tapping me on the shoulder during the reception saying "HEY!! Take THIS picture!!!" "Did you get THAT over THERE???!!"

Gum chewing during formals in church by the mother.

The same mother who was all uptight about everything being so fucking perfect at the house. Yes she has a wad of gum on her mouth. Am I at a County Fair? Am I judging you on your cud munching ability? Shall I present you with a ribbon?

So I say to her--- "YOU are chewing gum!?"

"No i'm not." she says as she stops chewing like she's a little kid.

"YES you are---this is like a sixth grade classroom!!!" (which i cant believe i said, but this was my chance to dish the shit back at her.)

"Can we do this fast? Can you shoot so and so (mere moments after the wedding) they have to leave." TO FUCKING GO WHERE??? I mean - we are all but 2 minutes into 'formals' and people have to LEAVE?? I ask "well WHERE do they have to do - we have barely taken any photos"

"Well its hot and they have to take the kids." No shit its hot, as the sweat literally is running into my burning eyeballs. HERE'S A THOUGHT - leave the fucking kids at home IF IT'S THAT MUCH OF AN ISSUE--FOR FUCKS SAKE.

I take ONE SETUP and Miss Bride says, "Can we move at some point? I don't want all the shots in the same place." I gave her a really dirty 'are you fucking kidding me' look and said "We WILL, that was only THE FIRST PHOTO!!!!"

The .

First.

God.

Damn.

Photo.

Later on at the reception I hear- "Did you shoot the cake?"

NO.

i've been to 400 muthafucking weddings and I never do THAT. Why on earth would i shoot your fucking ugly cake.

I'm sorry - did you hire a circus clown of a WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHER? Why come to think of it, I could second guess your choice of what seems to be a potentially abusive husband, but chose kept my trap shut. Why don't you try the same approach and let me do the job you hired me for?

....end of the night I get this: "I hope WE did not drive you TOO crazy and you had SOME fun!"

you did drive me crazy. Enough to make me want to quit the business

And I did NOT have any fucking fun, you wacky cunt. Being second guessed and bossed around is not my idea of fun---is it YOURS?

Have a blast in Aruba--be sure to take the Natalie Holloway Death Tour---