Saturday, April 4, 2015

The Angry Innkeeper at the Bee and Thistle





PRO UPDATE - 2019!
"Ding-Dong The Witch is dead" as the lunatic referenced in this tale has gone back to whatever godforsaken place from whence she came. The inn is now managed by a perfectly delightful staff and the place is as enchanting as it SHOULD have been all along!!

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So here’s the scenario we received regarding a wedding at a well known inn in Old Lyme CT.....oh fuck it... It's The Bee and Thistle Imm. Girlfriend had gone mental. 

"Everything is delayed—the bride while very sweet, moved slowly and no one had any concept of time nor was in charge or aware of anything. We’re a good 45 minutes late for the First Look. It’s raining—no wait; POURING, so the ceremony is moved into a rather small tent. The ground is flooding and I’m standing in about an inch of water in the grass.  They are putting down carpet and digging trenches to try and divert water. There is no center aisle, so I have to squeeze behind the back row in 2 inches of water to maneuver anywhere. Get the picture? Good.
And seriously can we stop playing games and cut to the chase!? It's that looney Linnea at the Bee And at Thistle.  
A gorgeously designed spot overseen by a modern my Norman Desmond. She has no clue how to run a functioning inn, and think she Better suitee to some giant haunted lost float at Burmimg man. 

I’m patiently waiting by the groom and JP hoping I can get a clear shot of the bride entering as it’s the smallest tent space you’ve ever been in. We’re waiting on the bride. And waiting---and waiting.
Suddenly the Innkeepers assistant – in front of EVERY GUEST – calls for me. I’m like, “You want ME?!” The JP, Groom and video guy all look baffled, as I am as well.
Once inside, I’m met with the furious innkeeper who says, “ I need you here NOW for this shot!!!!” 

I’m sweaty and wet and now very confused.

“Uthh, Ok-but I was waiting outside for her to come into the tent, since the ceremony is starting!”
“NO!!" She commands,  "You’ll have time for that, we need to get these shots for ME now!!!” She’s really mad at me. Like REALLY mad with an insane look in her eye. Obviously I didn’t know she planned a fucking photo shoot.

I give her ‘The Look’ and talk to her like she’s a 5 year old, “OK—What shot is that? Because you know everybody is waiting….”
“You’ll have time for that",  she repeats, "for now, you need to go to the top of the stairs at which point I will bring out the bride and you will stand in the back corner and I’ll position her and you can get a photo of her looking away, then down, then back at you…then you’ll go to the bottom of the steps and get one of her and dad…etc etc.” This goes on and on. Sad part about this is our Colleages in CT have all COMPARED notes have the same terrible experience. Where she delays, yells, belittles and commandeers.
If it were exactly as a couple asked, I'd steer then away.but if not the case ( as we suspect) Who is this woman, where did I she come from. 

So this lunatic basically orchestrates an ENTIRE series of photos that SHE wants, telling me where to stand, and what angle to use (in fact MAKES me move for one when I’m not where she feels I should be) It was absolute insanity. The bride looks pissed and completely not interested while steam is coming out of my ears. After she gets her forced, stupid images she then ‘allows’ me to go back in the tent for the wedding to start.
Tee!!?? NOOOOO!
So with no concern her kitchen amok cook? Tell her goes the rom. Shouts,he'd editor for timing or delay or the brides wishes, not to mention her telling me how to do my job, she plots out her own mini-shoot for her Inn IMMEDIATELY before the ceremony (which remember, is late as it is)

The wort offensive is she has done this  to MULTIPLE photographers OVER AND OVER NOT ONLY RUINING Their photo mojo, BUT impeding  ON their creativity. If you want your smapshot fine,,but not 15 seconds before they're ready to walk down the aisle. This ain't how wedding photography functions. 

I am still flabbergasted and don’t even know what to say about this other than share the experience.

How many years do I have to do this job to stop having people like this telling me how to do it?"   

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

MomTographers


I suppose you always wonder what the next fucking aggravating trend is going to be that makes you want to jump off a church roof during a wedding. So today we present for your the newest aggravation called "Momtographers".

Lets get thing rolling with this quote from some fucking 'MOMMY' internet group:

"Pictures by Mom is just what I needed. I love all the mom articles and posts, and the photography tips are just fantastic. Now I feel like a professional photographer whenever I pull out my camera - which is all the time."
or:
"My wife just put together a whole family photo shoot. She knew exactly what she wanted us to wear, where to go for the pictures, how to pose us - even how to put her camera on a timer so she could be in the pictures too. We are so happy that we now have some fantastic pictures for our home!"

Really? Does your wife have Downs Syndrome? She learned how to use a fucking button on her camera...you married a genius.

Then there's bullshit like this:
 "What every Momtographer needs to know about taking professional looking photos."

You can read all her handy tips here:
"...what I like to call Open Shade" she says. What YOU like to call open shade?! Now this dopey twat is claiming she invented that expression?

Here's another to make your skin crawl right off your bones and out of the room from a website called 'Chasing Rainbows' (can I make this up?!) With a post named "Unleashing My Inner Momtographer"  

Naturally there is a motherfucking Pinterest board devoted to it as well. I mean, why wouldn't there be yet another board to drain any sense of original thought out of medicated, starry eyed housewives?


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I could go on forever. When and how did this become OK and a 'thing". Do you see people running around unleashing their inner "dentist' or 'oil rig operator'? Whats worse, is because there are internet groups for this shit, some of them go out and start charging money for other unsuspecting people. "OH hooray - my husband bought me a big fancy camera for valentines day--I think i'll start a Facebook group (which makes one instantly valid and professional, apparently) and photograph kids---and maybe even WEDDINGS. Ahhhhh--aren't weddings simply dreamy?!"

There a zillion groups and workshops and fucking support meetings for these cunts with Canons where they can carry on about "balancing life and being a mama." Heres one offering a workshop for $50.00:

Spend $50 to take some snaps, have a glass of boxed wine and Yenta it up about 'how tough everything is'. Boo-hoo-hoo. It's as bad as those painting or 'wine and pottery' classes where you can go and pay to do glorified finger painting and smear paint on a canvas like 5 year old.

Guess what sister, you really can't have it all, as life involves making choices. You want 4 kids--terrific: now stay home and watch your incubi destroy your house and shit on the rug and stop complaining about not having 'life balance'. I don't begrudge a parent wanting to learn how to take better shots of their kids for fun, but when they start claiming they are a business and do shit all half-assed, it simply degrades the ENTIRE field of photography. How about you NOT be the Cheesecake Factory of life and try and do everything but do it all poorly. Instead, pick something and excel at it. This applies to fucking everyone, not just Nudnicks with Nikons

Recently I came across a facebook post with another one of these lunatics asking, "...I want to spend time with my kids while their babies...does anyone have advice how I can stop my business (and I use that term loosely) and start it up again when they older in 3 years?"
For real? Does Target close down because they need to spend time with their kids? Here's a thought--decide what you want in life and either close your business or close your pussy. 

It's really pretty simple.