Wednesday, April 1, 2015

MomTographers


I suppose you always wonder what the next fucking aggravating trend is going to be that makes you want to jump off a church roof during a wedding. So today we present for your the newest aggravation called "Momtographers".

Lets get thing rolling with this quote from some fucking 'MOMMY' internet group:

"Pictures by Mom is just what I needed. I love all the mom articles and posts, and the photography tips are just fantastic. Now I feel like a professional photographer whenever I pull out my camera - which is all the time."
or:
"My wife just put together a whole family photo shoot. She knew exactly what she wanted us to wear, where to go for the pictures, how to pose us - even how to put her camera on a timer so she could be in the pictures too. We are so happy that we now have some fantastic pictures for our home!"

Really? Does your wife have Downs Syndrome? She learned how to use a fucking button on her camera...you married a genius.

Then there's bullshit like this:
 "What every Momtographer needs to know about taking professional looking photos."

You can read all her handy tips here:
"...what I like to call Open Shade" she says. What YOU like to call open shade?! Now this dopey twat is claiming she invented that expression?

Here's another to make your skin crawl right off your bones and out of the room from a website called 'Chasing Rainbows' (can I make this up?!) With a post named "Unleashing My Inner Momtographer"  

Naturally there is a motherfucking Pinterest board devoted to it as well. I mean, why wouldn't there be yet another board to drain any sense of original thought out of medicated, starry eyed housewives?


_________

I could go on forever. When and how did this become OK and a 'thing". Do you see people running around unleashing their inner "dentist' or 'oil rig operator'? Whats worse, is because there are internet groups for this shit, some of them go out and start charging money for other unsuspecting people. "OH hooray - my husband bought me a big fancy camera for valentines day--I think i'll start a Facebook group (which makes one instantly valid and professional, apparently) and photograph kids---and maybe even WEDDINGS. Ahhhhh--aren't weddings simply dreamy?!"

There a zillion groups and workshops and fucking support meetings for these cunts with Canons where they can carry on about "balancing life and being a mama." Heres one offering a workshop for $50.00:

Spend $50 to take some snaps, have a glass of boxed wine and Yenta it up about 'how tough everything is'. Boo-hoo-hoo. It's as bad as those painting or 'wine and pottery' classes where you can go and pay to do glorified finger painting and smear paint on a canvas like 5 year old.

Guess what sister, you really can't have it all, as life involves making choices. You want 4 kids--terrific: now stay home and watch your incubi destroy your house and shit on the rug and stop complaining about not having 'life balance'. I don't begrudge a parent wanting to learn how to take better shots of their kids for fun, but when they start claiming they are a business and do shit all half-assed, it simply degrades the ENTIRE field of photography. How about you NOT be the Cheesecake Factory of life and try and do everything but do it all poorly. Instead, pick something and excel at it. This applies to fucking everyone, not just Nudnicks with Nikons

Recently I came across a facebook post with another one of these lunatics asking, "...I want to spend time with my kids while their babies...does anyone have advice how I can stop my business (and I use that term loosely) and start it up again when they older in 3 years?"
For real? Does Target close down because they need to spend time with their kids? Here's a thought--decide what you want in life and either close your business or close your pussy. 

It's really pretty simple.


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