Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Kindly Get The Fuck Out Of My Way


You know what I DON'T need? Here's the short list: fucking limo fucking drivers, and church fucking coordinators in my fucking photos.

Stumpy, sausage-fingered 'Soprano' leftovers who feel the need to 'assist' the bride out of the limo (even though her dad is standing right there and fully capable of opening a car door) Did it ever occur to you that by you hovering around the bride in your poly-blend one-size-too-small plastic looking tux that you haven't dry cleaned in a month, that you are in all of her photos? Her memories? You are now PART of her special fucking day, in a way she had not counted on? Why do you think that's ok, you bloated douche tube? Do I photo bomb your summertime Mafia-themed Coors Light-manicoti filled home parties?

I think not.

Go the fuck away and - - - OH!!! HERE'S an idea: learn the directions to all the locations and be on fucking time. How about THAT rather than you lingering around holding the back of the dress. Maybe you didn't notice genius, but there's 16 bridesmaids with their fingers up their pussies just DYING for something to do. I know it's 'always a bridesmaid never a bride', but back off Luigi: YOUR special day will come sooner or later, and I hope I can stand around all sweaty and gross in the background of your shots.

And PS - NO: I do NOT want to have you set up a fucking staged champagne toast on your mini-godamn red carpet. Don't do me any favors, seriously. Check your datebook dickhead: it's not 1989.


And as for the ever-delightful church coordinators: those enchanting women who have not been fucked in 19 years who's job it is now to boss around the bridal party and any wedding professionals that may enter their Holy sanctum. They take their job VERY seriously as after all, God himself is watching them.

But do you know what God hates as much as I do? YOU STANDING IN THE FUCKING AISLE BEHIND THE BRIDE WHILE THE BRIDE WALKS DOWN TO THE ALTAR!!!! Why do I want to look at you in your frumpy schmata housedress behind my beautiful bride? WHY WHY WHY??? The same goes for clueless wedding planners - who equally believe that mystical powers are in full force during a wedding as their hide behind their magic "invisibility-shield" Staples clipboard. Somebody call Batman: even HE didn't figure THAT one out.

Guess what you old cunt: I can see your ancient ass, standing there as you watch the bride walk down the aisle - that permanent sourpuss affixed to your face as you think to yourself each and every Saturday, "Why have I NEVER found a man? Why can't I BE loved?" I'll tell you why- it's because you're sour, miserable, cunty and smell vaguely of mothballs.

Now get the FUCK out of my shot and go in back to see which altar boy the priest is mistreating...