Thursday, December 23, 2010

Christmas Panic - as usual.


here,clients line up for last minute print orders....


Tell me why this happens ever fucking year?

You've had your images forever--sometimes well over a year or more, but then mere days before Christmas you suddenly realize that you have had your head jammed up your shit filled ass for the last 11 months and suddenly - right as I might possibly be trying to enjoy MY Holiday- you HAVE TO have your images printed IMMEDIATELY!!
Do you think all happens with a push of a button? Has it occurred to you that even the labs are backed up and slow down, and then it still has to get through our cranky-ass mail system?
Oh but thats right...I forgot. YOU are my only client. I have nothing else to do than deal with your forgetfulness, as well as produce Photoshop miracles at breakneck speeds. For it is well known, that I celebrate nothing but the chance to service you last minute. Why, it gives me a Christmas-boner just thinking about it. What else may I do for you? Come over and cook dinner? Wrap presents? Babysit your fucking kids.

Don't be a douche and think ahead next year, asshole.

Merry Fucking Christmas from My Special Fucking Day


Thursday, December 9, 2010

Allow ME to pay YOU to capture your AMAZING fucking day...

a super-special holiday submission from a reader, simply oozing with Xmas cheer!


Dear Vendor (who I'd like to get for free…)

As you can imagine costs have added up to the point where we are only able to offer $---- for the Option 2 Pacjage - We feel that if we could secure you on the team, workflow and style will be in sync with the team from [other Vendor] would be seemless. {ignorant fuck. nice spelling}

Please let me know if you can make this happen, if so I will move forward today. If paying in cash helps we're able to do that as well. {oh,well fuck me in my pink a-hole, if it's cash, why don't you pass me a $20 and we'll call it even. Maybe your new bride will end up earning it back blowing me in the coatroom?}

Thanks,

[client]

_____________________

Hi [client],

Where to begin? I guess with your flawed thinking... I'm assuming the last minute nature of your vendor bookings was with hopes that you'd use your Super Salesman approach to negotiate a last minute deal, knowing December isn't exactly prime wedding season, and ohhhh….I don't know, maybe I'm dying to be surrounded by so many "fantastic guests" that I simply can't refuse. {He insisted in his high-brow tone that his wedding was going to be full of 'fantastic people'. As if most couples think their guests are losers, fuckups and hobos}

So we chat, and you let me know that this will be the wedding of the season (never heard that before) and I let you know I'm comfortable working within a budget and I can make some concessions based on the time of year and the vendors with whom I'll be working.

So you wait another 10 days, now less than two weeks before the big day. Now I must be really sweating, hoping, and praying that I'll hear from you to cover the most amazing day in the history of mankind. And when I do, I'm told your budget has gone over by $300, which is a load of shit----but assuming for a moment it's true, you thought would be a wise idea to squeeze out of me despite a healthy initial price break. Oh, but wait! You ALSO think I would be a valuable part of your wedding team?? And our workflow and style will be in sync with the other vendors, making it 'seemless' (it's seamless by the way, you stupid turd) Oh, well then of course I'd love to work for minimum wage. {and you know I've seen this fucknut before... The guy with the shoe string budget, yet you know had managed to budget for a 12 piece band, enough flowers to bring Martha Stewart to orgasm right at her table, and 350 of their closest friends and relatives.}

Which brings us to the problem... I'll put this as nicely as I can... I think you're a douchebag. {ok, ok, not nice, but appropriate.}

So unfortunately I've already booked 12/18. I have an event, on my couch, watching Rudolph and then Frosty. {Or maybe it's Frosty, then Rudolph?}

All My Best: not so gullible vendor

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Autumn Leaves suck ass


after recently meeting with a very busy bride ( she's in a field where her schedule is insane, and I GET THAT) I met up with her on my own time in NYC ( something I really never do) She was having a 2 day event and I had created this whole proposal for 2 days coverage in NYC, talked to both her and her planner on the phone etc etc. I think it would have been a beautiful event.
So in our meeting, she goes on and on about how much "emotion and feeling" my photos have and how "they haven't found anyone else whose work they feel as strongly about" GREAT! I think--this is in the bag.

Not so fast...photoguy.

Then the tone changes , she does a 180 nd she launches into how " ...frantic their schedule is and how it seems that we cannot schedule a time that convenient for an engagement session"
"We have all of November or the Spring!" I suggest, "I can even do halloween!"
"No, no, no---we want The Leaves" [for the record, i think I am officially OVER the fucking Fall leaves and the booking trouble they cause] So i'm kinda like, "Well YOU have no free time, and neither do I---so I'm not sure what you wanna hear from me?"
"Well - as much as we ADORE your work, we are thinking of hiring someone closer who is like 5 minutes away and not as far as where you are."
"Yeah but, I said I'M COMING TO YOU FOR YOUR ENGAGEMENT SESSION!"

None of this seemed to sink in and her eyes glazed over with the next bad decision she was planing on making--- "what if we hired you JUST for the night before the wedding but hired someone to DO the wedding day?"

What. The. Fuck?

So let me wrap my head around this---you 'love' my work, but because we cannot find 60 minutes in the next fucking week for an engagement session so you can have your damn LEAVES - you are going to forfeit the photographer you 'adore' for someone closer---JUST FOR THAT SINGLE REASON??? I might also add that 'he' likes the nature of the leaves but 'SHE' prefers the urban look---so how important then could the leaves really be?

She then emails me 2 days before halloween asking me if I can still shoot that day and do the event the night before. I told her 'NO' and to go to Central park, grab a fistful of leaves, jam them up her twat and live happily ever after.


thank you very much, Autumn--- for losing me a job.


Tuesday, October 26, 2010

a REAL email from a REAL asshole

"First of all, I'm also a photographer and know the cost and investments in equipment. Your base package is much higher than most equivalent photographers. You were also the slowest to respond. I see that you are a quality group, however, that being said not at double the price. Your base price is higher than many second tear (i believe he means 'tier' not TEAR---fucking DICK) packages. I hope that in this poor economy you continue to find work, but I will not pay that high of a price. Other groups include engagment shoots, include finished CD's, the wedding day, unlimited time, a $600.00 budget included toward the book and a small 8 /2 x 11 table book for the reception where people sign. These packages ranged between $2200.00 and $2500.00 with what they said was over 1000 pictures. Even though you are highly rated, 4 to 5 stars that is the same rating as the others. I also looked at the picture samples. Also, you were rated as a 2 star costing vs some at 4 star costing and you are double the price. Something is wrong. (less stars being less expensive). I will have many young unmarried people at the wedding and feel you are hurting your business by not being competitive. We will have over 300 people in attendance. I need a firm and complete price. Please let me know your thoughts. I plan to make a decision within the next week or two. Thanks"


Heres my suggestion - while you're learning the english language and how to construct sentences--you take either one of my testes and pop it in your mouth & start sucking, while I sit busily editing one of last years 40 weddings you cheap, pretentious cocksucking muthafucker. How DARE you review my business and give me your 2 cent business advice when your website or 'business' is not even internet searchable. ( you have heard of the 'internet', right?) The 'slowest to respond' ? Maybe THAT'S because I was in a shock-coma from your obnoxious email. Whadya do...A few $999 weddings for pals in Indiana ? Fuck off, you smegma-cheese laden dickhead, and good luck on your inevitably failed marriage.

cocksucker.



Wednesday, September 29, 2010

another typical 'we love you but chose someone else' email

this was received by a reader recently:

Hi again,
Thanks for the follow up but we already signed with another photograper. Your work speaks for it self and we will surely recommend you to others.
-Beth


Uh huh - so you REALLY 'loved' my work but before even meeting me you signed with another photographer, yet will refer me left and right. You crazy fucking bitch---. Well thats simply terrific. Good for you and your cheap-ass, discount wedding escapade. And 8 years from now, when your sitting home with a banana jammed up your pussy since your husband will have nothing to do with you, and you're surrounded by your 3 out-of control children, and you are looking at the photos you spent $699.00 on.... don't come crying to me how we 'should have known better'....
Sister---you get what you deserve and what you pay for. At and the dump you were having this nightmare at (along CT's coastline on the edge of the 'water' which is NOW notorious for multiple weddings simultaneously...YOU do the math) ...good luck with your special fucking day being anything other than yet another boring, by-the-book , over-planned factory venue monstrosity.

Happy wedding, you cheap twat. I only wish the worst.

Ohhh!! Did I say that out-loud?!


Tuesday, September 14, 2010

shoot my wedding for free

There is a crazy cunt who has been sending around this email to GROUPS of photographers (I say 'groups' in that she doesn't even have the good sense to make it APPEAR she is just emailing one person at a time---she just clumps together everyone she seems to be able to get a hold of) As far as we can tell - she has sent out at least 3 emails blasts so far:


Hi there! I was wondering if you might consider shooting my wedding
TFCD? I know this is a very odd proposal, but desperate times call for
desperare measures. I am a first year teacher and my finace is just
starting out in media production. We don't have a huge budget for our
wedding, which is planned for summer 2011. What we DO have are great
personalities and a very fun family! I have done quite a bit of
modeling and commercial work and my finace is absolutely adorable (if
I do say so myself)!! I know that I have done a lot of modeling
portfolio shoots TFCD and figured it was worth a try to see if we
could get a wedding photographer to agree to this. I promise we would
be fun and easy to work with, and provide you with some great wedding
shots to add to your portfolio. Please consider this proposal and let
me know if you would be interested! Thanks!


for those who care to research this fascinating subject at length, i suggest you begin HERE

Hmmmmm? Lets see---so this is a wedding and not a modeling shoot as far as I can tell---OH! I see...so because YOU think you are so fucking adorable and your family so sweet and charming, we should give up a prime wedding date during the summer (date and locale not yet chosen, I might add) to photograph your special fucking day for FREE? Do I get my cock sucked by you in return since you're so fucking 'cute'? Perhaps i'd prefer sodomizing your fiance's unwilling pooper? Can I screw whom I choose from the wedding party like going to a brothel? I'll take that one and, ummmmm--- THAT one!

Is the wedding some place UNBELIEVABLE, or just at another shitball wedding hall with fake rocks and fountains? I mean, if you;re getting married on the Internationmal Space Station or something, then gust let me know---

  • Will I be left alone and shoot what i want?

  • Can i only stay 2 hours, and leave when it starts to get boring, which is generally 1/3 of the way through the day?

  • Can I not take a single formal or group shot?

  • Can I ignore obnoxious guests and tell them to 'fuck off' without repercussion?

  • when someone come up to me and says "HEY PHOTOGRAPHER---DID YOU GET THAT PICTURE???" can I slap them senseless across the face and knee them in the pussy?

Regardless of these questions to which I am well aware the answer is a resounding 'NO' - my professional suggestion you braindead dummy, is that you fuck yourself, and then get some relative who is 'really interested in photography and takes good piktures' to shoot your goddamn nightmare of a cheapass, discount day.

May you live happily forever and have a bunch of adorable cheap-as-shit children who will haunt you for the rest of your living days looking for a free handout like you are.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

I need a shrink, but I'll email you instead.

a reader sent us this email they received:


hi , first of all, the wedding pictures of ____ and ____ are just amazing...you captured them both so beautifully and your talent and creativity shine through them. They will have wedding pictures to treasure. Something has bothered me a bit and i wanted to talk to you in person about it but here goes....there were no formal pictures of the extended family, other than the few of ___ and myself with the kids . We have a large family and we are very close to them all, particularly my sister and brother and kids who are like siblings to the groom. I asked him if there was an "essential" photo wish list and he seemed to think not. I guess what i am suggesting is that there be one...if i had the opportunity to make a list beforehand, we would have those photos to "have on the mantle". I guess I feel that one of your assistants could be assigned to the both sets of parents to make sure the essentials for each family get done done the day of the event. I love the photos you took so much, but can't help feel the tiniest bit left out. Please do not share this with the bride and groom. The day had come and gone and it was glorious and now time to let it go...i just needed to get it off my chest. Regards, Patty

Dear Mrs. Patty-Passive-Aggressive: Honestly? You're going to fucking write me a month after the wedding when nothing can be done anything at this point? You couldn't open your trap that day when there were 2 of us roaming around ALL DAY LONG? Were everyones tongues sliced off in Communist China? Oh no, no, no---I know what's better: wait a few weeks then send a cunty email. OH!!! and don't DARE tell the bride and groom: I would just like for YOU to be upset since you did such a wonderful job while simultaneously fucking up so badly and I don't have a brain cell in my old, creaky skull to think that maybe you are not a clairvoyant and could not have read my FUCKING MIND that day!!!! Go fuck yourself you old, bitter, rancid hag.


Friday, July 23, 2010

shitty wedding from hell


You kinda know it in advance. When the couple is just not a good match but you still take the job hoping for the best. Hoping they will come around and see the light.
But then you get that 'photo shot request' email that starts to make you wonder. "Can you shoot us while magically hovering above us in space as we look longingly into each others eyes? Even though we won't pay for 2 photographers, can you be in the aisle as well as in the 4 story balcony at the same time. Can you Bi-Locate?"

And of course, its at that point you realize that this wedding will be one of the 'bad ones' for the year.

They always happen you know. Try as you may to weed them out. They sneak through the cracks like an earwig in the middle of the summer and before you know it - they have squirmed into your head and planted their eggs.

This is The One i was worried about--- and it may have been the death of me. Agitated bride. Hyper-controlling mother who is out of her mind and wants all these shots of herself she keeps posing for, in that creepy stop-look-smile manner.

"Did u get a picture of THIS??? did u get a shot of THAT???!!! You shot the mantle? Didya shoot the pastries on the tray? You shot the table? You shot this fucking muthafuking shit or another...RIGHT??!!"

YES YES YES, godammitt. Go change your Tampax.

So It's raining with the humidity at 200%, which if you happen to be in SoCal or someplace where humidity is not an issue, you cannot appreciate. You sweat in unimaginable places. Things that shouldn't, cling and stick to each other in your nether regions.

This wedding was almost everything I hate about weddings rolled into one. Disinterested groom and bridal party. Disorganized. Fat slobs. Micromanage happy. Forced smiles. A Dad who took pride in his Not Smiling. Distractions. No one paying attention. No focus. No one listening to me like i'm invisible.

As if I don't exist.

People telling me how to shoot. Guests tapping me on the shoulder during the reception saying "HEY!! Take THIS picture!!!" "Did you get THAT over THERE???!!"

Gum chewing during formals in church by the mother.

The same mother who was all uptight about everything being so fucking perfect at the house. Yes she has a wad of gum on her mouth. Am I at a County Fair? Am I judging you on your cud munching ability? Shall I present you with a ribbon?

So I say to her--- "YOU are chewing gum!?"

"No i'm not." she says as she stops chewing like she's a little kid.

"YES you are---this is like a sixth grade classroom!!!" (which i cant believe i said, but this was my chance to dish the shit back at her.)

"Can we do this fast? Can you shoot so and so (mere moments after the wedding) they have to l
eave." TO FUCKING GO WHERE??? I mean - we are all but 2 minutes into 'formals' and people have to LEAVE?? I ask "well WHERE do they have to do - we have barely taken any photos"

"Well its hot and they have to take the kids." No shit its hot, as the sweat literally is running into my burning eyeballs. HERE'S A THOUGHT - leave the fucking kids at home IF IT'S THAT MUCH OF AN ISSUE--FOR FUCKS SAKE.

I take ONE SETUP and Miss Bride says, "Can we move at some point? I don't want all the shots in the same place." I gave her a really dirty 'are you fucking kidding me' look and said "We WILL, that was only
THE FIRST PHOTO!!!!"

The .

First.

God.

Damn.

Photo.

Later on at the reception I hear- "Did you shoot the cake?"

NO.

i've been to 400 muthafucking weddings and I never do THAT. Why on earth would i shoot your fucking ugly cake.

I'm sorry - did you hire a circus clown of a WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHER? Why come to think of it, I could second guess your choice of what seems to be a potentially abusive husband, but chose kept my trap shut. Why don't you try the same approach and let me do the job you hired me for?

....end of the night I get this: "I hope WE did not drive you TOO crazy and you had SOME fun!"


you did drive me crazy. Enough to make me want to quit the business


And I did NOT have any fucking fun, you wacky cunt. Being second guessed and bossed around is not my idea of fun---is it YOURS?


Have a blast in Aruba--be sure to take the Natalie Holloway Death Tour---



Monday, July 12, 2010

Wedding Enjoyed By No One But Bride

(copied here from The Onion)


NEW ROCHELLE, NY—The lavish, 250-guest wedding of James and Mindy Gallagher, held Sunday at the New Rochelle Country Club, was enjoyed by no one but the bride.


The bride poses with some of the sufferers.

"Today is such a beautiful day," said attendee Chris Barker, a second cousin of the groom, as he watched the newlyweds dance. "I can't believe I'm stuck spending it at this stupid thing when I could be out playing golf."

Barker, who drove four hours from Philadelphia to attend the event, was then dragged off for a table photo with the 14 complete strangers with whom he was seated.

"I'm pretty sure I've set my all-time single-day record for awkward conversations," continued Barker, forcing a smile as a photographer snapped the table picture. "Not that I could hear anything anybody said to me, what with that godawful wedding band blaring 'Old Time Rock 'N' Roll' and 'Love Shack' the whole time."

Like 249 of the 250 in attendance, members of the bridal party expressed a lack of enthusiasm for the $200,000 affair.

"To be honest, I never really liked Mindy all that much," said bridesmaid Ellen Lessing, 24, a college sorority sister of the bride. "I always thought she was kind of a stuck-up bitch. But when she asked me to be in her bridal party—I guess because I'd been her sorority sponsor back in college—I felt obligated to go. We've had almost no contact since graduation, yet I still flew halfway across the country just to be in the wedding of someone I hardly even know."

Compounding Lessing's misery was the "vomit-worthy" purple and teal dress that she and the other bridesmaids were forced to purchase and wear.

"This abomination cost me $675," said Lessing, who has no plans ever to wear the dress again. "I'd be pissed even if it didn't make me look like a walrus."

Other friends had their own reasons for not having a good time. These ranged from jealousy over not being included in the wedding party to unspoken resentment over all the attention heaped on Mindy, to the sad realization that Mindy would drift apart from her single friends now that she is married.

"Well, Mindy had a wonderful time, so I guess it was worth it, because this is her special day," said Dr. Carl Lingren, 54, father of the bride. "As for me, I'm still not sure why I blew almost $2,400 on place settings, but Mindy assured me that spending the extra money to have the seating cards foil-embossed would make the day 'truly special.' You'd think flying her three cousins and great aunt in from Sweden would've been enough to make it truly special, but apparently not."

Dr. Lingren then retired to the bar, where he proceeded to drink heavily.

Not even groom James Gallagher enjoyed the reception.

"This is the best day of my life," said Gallagher, reading from an index card in a robotic monotone. "All my life has led up to this magical moment, the day I am bound in eternal matrimony to my sweet Mindy forevermore."

Sources close to the groom say the commitment-phobic Gallagher had been dreading the event since Mindy first brought up the idea of marriage more than a year and a half ago, confiding to close confidants that he was "just doing it to finally shut her up."

Personal-relations expert and noted therapist Dr. Eli Wasserbaum said Gallagher's attitude is far from unusual.

"For men, trepidation about marriage is common," Wasserbaum said. "And a total lack of interest in the details of a wedding reception is more common still, even among those who marry willingly. As for the small handful of grooms who actually enjoy their wedding receptions, I'd say most of them are latently gay."

According to Ira Giraldi, editor of Wedding Style magazine, the dread felt by the average wedding guest is understandable.

"Most people don't enjoy weddings—why would they?" Giraldi said. "They have to sit around for long periods making uncomfortable small talk with people they barely know and will probably never see again. They're expected to help offset the great expense of the wedding by purchasing obligatory gifts arbitrarily chosen off some wedding registry—gifts that reflect nothing about the giver. Plus, it generally eats up an entire day, if not a whole weekend, in cases where air travel is involved."

Continued Giraldi: "Worst of all, nobody is ever allowed to openly express these universally held feelings. The rules of social conduct obligate guests to endure the entire experience with a surface patina of strained gaiety, a mask of merrymaking and good cheer that becomes progressively more difficult to maintain as the event drags on."

Despite the boredom of those around her, Mindy had "the most wonderful day ever," bursting into spontaneous tears of joy at several points during the awful-for-everybody-but-her experience.

"I could dance all night," Mindy said. "I wish Jimmy liked to dance more. But I don't care if I'm out on the floor all by myself. This is my day!"

The mother of the bride, traditionally the only other person capable of having a good time at a wedding, was not in attendance, as she died three years ago in a gruesome motorboat accident.

Monday, July 5, 2010

lending a hand in a time of need


One of the great things bout knowing other photographers is that you get to share stories, advice, camaraderie, and friendship. And if one is going to happen to be ATTENDING a wedding you are shooting, then the floodgates of good-tidings open up like it's Christmas morning....

I know how hard your job is So here are some things I'm going to help you out with the day of the wedding:

1) I will be getting the entire wedding party shit canned before the ceremony to make your job impossible.

2) I will speed walking down the isle and will direct the entire BP to do the same.

3) I will be talking non-stop during all the formals. I may mix in a few Captain Morgan posses as well. If I'm not in the photo I will shout things over your shoulder so that I become the center of attention.

4) At some point during the night I will call you "picture guy "or "camera guy "or something along the those lines and make you take a photo of me doing something to the groom that you will most likely need to delete for fear of prosecution.

5) I'll ask you "what camera are you shooting with" and then will look at you blankly when you tell me what it is. I will most likely will follow up with " how many megapixels is that? " I will then walk away looking disappointed in you.

6) I will tell the whoever is handling the ceremony that you are not a photographer. In fact you are most likely an a cult, have a closet full of shrunken heads at home and should not be trusted. You are only there to steal the souls of the people you are "photographing"

7) I will kidnap at lest one BP member or parent during formals and lock them in the bathroom.

8) If at all possible I will direct you to the nearest beautiful gazebo for photos.

9) I will walk into any lightstand you may have put up during the night, no matter where you put it. I'll be sure not alert the fact that your flash is now on the floor in a lump of crumbled batteries and plastic.

10) I will send at lest one guest to attack you on the dance floor. This may or may not include them un-tucking your shirt while your shooting , hip checking or sex simulation.

11) I will tell all the older woman there that you can take 10 year and 20lbs off with your camera. They just have to ask you how to stand the right way.

12) I will spill red wine all over someone important's dress just because I know you can "photoshop that out". Right? That's EASY 'these days'?

13) I will blink and/or turn my head sideways in all of you great group shots.

14) I will be shooting over you shoulder for most if not all of the event. I will also offer up advice for additional group shoots such as bride with everyone of her 45 sorority sisters individually and as a group. One with drinks and one without.

15) I will also set up group shots on my own in the same location and at the same time you. Chances are I'll be shooting all of these with my cell phone and there for they are more important then yours.

These are just a few helpful things I'll be doing to make your day more enjoyable.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

you have all the time in the world, don't you?


Good Morning Guys!

John and I are soo soo (2 'soo soo's' means my twat is REALLY soo soo wet, in case you were wondering) very excited that we have now squared away all our vendors and our "dream team" is now complete! I wanted to take this opportunity to make some formal intorductions ("intorductions"?....you dopey ass bitch---try spell check!!) and ask you both out for a drink/small bite to eat :)
(Sister - listen to me and listen to me good: if i'm wasting my Saturday to meet with you to go over stupid bullshit we can do over the phone - it had better be more than some fucking 'bites to eat'--I wanna see a fucking lobster crawling at me with the fear of God as well as a boiling pot of water in it's eyes...)



Jim "meet" Scott, Scott "meet" Jim.
(oh ---how fucking cute---now everybody knows everyones else..now we can all have a foursome!)

I wanted to ask you both if you'd be available on a Saturday/Sunday in July to meet each other and go over with us how the wedding day should go and to let you guys know final locations/addresses/contacts.
(Since I know it's the goddamn summer and nobody has any fucking thing else to do than hang out with us and discuss out fucking wedding day ad nauseaum. I mean---couldn't you simply talk about it all day over, and over, and over, and over--- isn't it the FUNNEST thing EVER?)

Jim ,I know you'd probably be taking the train into Grand Central and Scott I believe you said you're over in Queens so we're going to stay over on the east side. As you both know John is a pastry chef and works on Saturdays/Sundays so we'll meet at his restaurant most likely around 2:30pm on a Saturday or Sunday that works for you both.
(Isn't that timing perfect? And honestly- what could EITHER of you have to do other than meet us on a Saturday and swab my dripping wedding-agitated-pussy with napkins at my fiancees restaurant?)

(He just want to make sure, are we meeting at the restaurant or should I be looking for another place for us to all meet? I know you can't be away from the kitchen for too long. Let us all know by replying to all of us)
(yeah you know - how about we skip this fucking charade and I see you the wedding day, you wacky bitch?)

Can you please let us know what your availability is the next couple of Saturdays/Sundays in July? Thanks so much!
(Hmmm ? Lets see---summertime--- maybe I want to spend it at home with my wife or girlfriend? Or go to dinner...or a movie? Or simply lie on the sofa with my hand scratching my ball sack---No, actually...I'd rather come to YOU on a fucking weekend and waste the entire day at your dickhead fiancees pastry shop, you inconsiderate cunt)

Jim, we'd also like to schedule our engagement pictures last two weeks in July, Mon/Tuesdays work for us, just let us know if you have time to do it then.
Thanks a million guys. Can't wait to hear from you! :) So excited to get this party started :)
(Oh yes Susan - we and all your vendors are on the edge of our seats for what is bound to be the Event Of The Season. We are certain that it will be anything unlike the 30 other muthafucking similar weddings we shall attend this coming year. Gosh your's will be so unique---so different...we can all hardly stop pissing out panties with excitement. Why AS A MATTER OF FACT---I think I may have just cum in my pants)


Susan


Monday, June 14, 2010

Be subtle--but actually don't be.

Dear Generic Hired Hand- I was wondering if there's any way to see a picture from our engagement session last month....my mom and future-mom in law keep asking me and a great shot will make them happy! No super rush on the rest since I know you're busy, but eventually we will see them all and get to compile into a coffee table book after they stop finger their pussies.
Also, I started compiling a list of a few shots which I thought might be helpful on the big day. Hope it's ok! (although I doubt it is)

- engraving in rings
- 3 rings in cool setting - on dish (it has our initials and date), on strings of guitar? (woweee! rings on a muthafucking DISH!!! A DISH!!!I have NEVER seen anything like that in my entire life---can't fucking wait!)
- having make-up done
- pearls (dangling off fingers or hanging out of my cunt?)
- shoes
- gown hanging
- being zipped up by mom into hideous seen-it-last week David's Bridal cheapass satin dress
- getting ready in the mirror
- bouquet
- family wedding photos (table of our grandparents' photos) Because soon they will drop dead
- my mind-blowing table setting! There will be flowers!! and a fucking candle!!! WOW!!! Don't miss these magazine worthy details, you overpriced piece of shit!
- poor, sad groom getting boutonniere pinned on, something else cute like this with his dad, who you know - really couldn't care less
- me and my gals before wedding both outside and in....there are some great nooks and cool couches for some more artistic shots inside (Imagine us sitting on a couch---I can hardly stand it!)
- sad, nauseous, pathetic groom waiting for bride on the porch
- groom, ready-to-overdose, watching bride come down 'aisle' (I put AISLE in quotes as it's not really an AISLE but some magical walkway i have dreamt of since I was 2 years old, lying in bed fingering my coolie)
- dad giving his bitchy, unimaginative, demanding daughter away
- at "altar" exchanging vows (I put ALTAR in quotes since we're not really at an ALTAR, but a fake one on the fucking, imaginary wedding planet I live on)
- rings being passed (we're doing a pass of the rings between all guests where they each say a line about us/getting married. That should only take about 3 fucking hours, if everyone hasn't slit their goddamn throats by the end)
- parents watching ceremony - eyes glazed like donuts, as dad thinks about the total cost for this sham.
- the kiss!
- groomsman reading some meaningless poem, which shall be forgotten moments afterwards
- couples pics right after wedding
- of course all family members together, separate, and in every conceivable, useless, repetitive, never-to-be-ordered configuration under gods blazing sun.
- having apps on porch
- "first dance" on the porch (also a fantasy - not really a DANCE, obviously , as it appears in quotes)
- beginning of dinner ( cuz everyone wants pix of people eating rubbery chicken )

And lastly, I don't even need to say this because you have been so incredibly artistic and unobtrusive already (but since i STILL have to tell you how to do your fucking job) .....but I went to a wedding yesterday with 3 shooters and all I heard was clicking through the ceremony. I know you will get all the requested shots but be subtle at the same time!
I see---so get all my fucking, ridiculous, wedding-magazine-fantasy driven demands---but oh! YES!! Be unobtrusive!!! You can do all that right? I may also ask you to balance plates on your head and juggle fucking watermelons. Thanks you- dear, Hired Vendor.
See you in less than a week.
Sincerely,
Cunty MacTawtty