Be subtle--but actually don't be.

Dear Generic Hired Hand- I was wondering if there's any way to see a picture from our engagement session last month....my mom and future-mom in law keep asking me and a great shot will make them happy! No super rush on the rest since I know you're busy, but eventually we will see them all and get to compile into a coffee table book after they stop finger their pussies.

Also, I started compiling a list of a few shots which I thought might be helpful on the big day. Hope it's ok! (although I doubt it is)

- engraving in rings

- 3 rings in cool setting - on dish (it has our initials and date), on strings of guitar? (woweee! rings on a muthafucking DISH!!! A DISH!!!I have NEVER seen anything like that in my entire life---can't fucking wait!)

- having make-up done

- pearls (dangling off fingers or hanging out of my cunt?)

- shoes

- gown hanging

- being zipped up by mom into hideous seen-it-last week David's Bridal cheapass satin dress

- getting ready in the mirror

- bouquet

- family wedding photos (table of our grandparents' photos) Because soon they will drop dead

- my mind-blowing table setting! There will be flowers!! and a fucking candle!!! WOW!!! Don't miss these magazine worthy details, you overpriced piece of shit!

- poor, sad groom getting boutonniere pinned on, something else cute like this with his dad, who you know - really couldn't care less

- me and my gals before wedding both outside and in....there are some great nooks and cool couches for some more artistic shots inside (Imagine us sitting on a couch---I can hardly stand it!)

- sad, nauseous, pathetic groom waiting for bride on the porch

- groom, ready-to-overdose, watching bride come down 'aisle' (I put AISLE in quotes as it's not really an AISLE but some magical walkway i have dreamt of since I was 2 years old, lying in bed fingering my coolie)

- dad giving his bitchy, unimaginative, demanding daughter away

- at "altar" exchanging vows (I put ALTAR in quotes since we're not really at an ALTAR, but a fake one on the fucking, imaginary wedding planet I live on)

- rings being passed (we're doing a pass of the rings between all guests where they each say a line about us/getting married. That should only take about 3 fucking hours, if everyone hasn't slit their goddamn throats by the end)

- parents watching ceremony - eyes glazed like donuts, as dad thinks about the total cost for this sham.

- the kiss!

- groomsman reading some meaningless poem, which shall be forgotten moments afterwards

- couples pics right after wedding

- of course all family members together, separate, and in every conceivable, useless, repetitive, never-to-be-ordered configuration under gods blazing sun.

- having apps on porch

- "first dance" on the porch (also a fantasy - not really a DANCE, obviously , as it appears in quotes)

- beginning of dinner ( cuz everyone wants pix of people eating rubbery chicken )

And lastly, I don't even need to say this because you have been so incredibly artistic and unobtrusive already (but since i STILL have to tell you how to do your fucking job) .....but I went to a wedding yesterday with 3 shooters and all I heard was clicking through the ceremony. I know you will get all the requested shots but be subtle at the same time!

I see---so get all my fucking, ridiculous, wedding-magazine-fantasy driven demands---but oh! YES!! Be unobtrusive!!! You can do all that right? I may also ask you to balance plates on your head and juggle fucking watermelons. Thanks you- dear, Hired Vendor.

See you in less than a week.

Sincerely,

Cunty MacTawtty