IT'S BEEN AWHILE, BUT I'M BACK, BITCHES.....
The day started like any other. entering the brides room for getting ready photos. Only this day, I find her lying in bed under the covers working on a laptop.
And fucking crying.
Before I see she's crying, I say, “oh hey, how's it going?” She doesn't even acknowledge me through her bridal tears, so I say, “I'm just gonna run to the bathroom.”
Turns out I probably should have fucking stayed there all day.
So I eventually find out she was working on her vows, which I suppose is why she was weeping openly as I do not think she was slicing onions…although i'm still not sure. Makes perfect fucking sense to do this 20 minutes before your wedding, no? Shortly thereafter, as she begins to transcribe it to her stupid Etsy vow book for the ceremony, her goddamn computer battery dies. Naturally, dumdum has failed to back this up anywhere else, and so roughly 30 minutes before she's supposed to leave for a first look, she's in a panic because her shitty computer won't turn on. I decide it's best not to get involved, so I leave for the venue.
At said venue I then have to wait for roughly an hour later than both the bride or the groom are supposed to be there for their fucking first look. Finally the groom shows up and, in a peculiar twist I could not have predicted, he too is crying. More fucking crying.
When I say crying, I'm talking ‘hand covering the eyes can't stop himself crying’…to the point where his groomsmen were mocking him. This blubbing continued for the next hour and 15 minutes. The bride, incidentally, is still not there. I was supposed to have roughly 90 minutes for photos. At this point I have about half an hour.
I'm considering starting crying myself.
She finally arrives and naturally is in absolutely no rush to start anything. I try to get things rolling. And she says she's ready to go, so I get the groom positioned outside.
And in case you were wondering (you KNOW you were) pussyboy is still crying.
The first look goes as you might have imagined with generous doses of sniveling, bawling and ALL the snot bubbles, as she tries to comfort him and get through their private vows.
It’s also starting to rain, because of COURSE it is.
Guests are arriving and being held in the foyer. We’ve not taken a single family or bridal photo, but on the positive side, most of the tears have evaporated.
Luckily, the venue was nice enough to let us let us use the other side of the place, so they could let guests come into OUR side. I have 15 minutes for all the photos. “OK, Bridal party!,” I scream, “We’ve got about 15 minutes until the ceremony so I need you motherfuckers over here for a group photo!” Instantaneously, a bridesmaid and groomsman turn and leave the tent running into the building like there was a fire. “WAIT!! What the fuck are you doing…where are you GOING?!?!”
“Oh, I just have to get something,” The Lady Non-Listener says.
“I gotta grab something for the groom,” The Man Ignorer says.
I decide to do whatever I can with whomever hasn’t decided to flee the tent. They finally come back, and I bang out as much as I can in roughly 9 minutes, as at this point, I sorta don't fucking care.
You’d think that’s it but NOPE, there’s more.
During the ceremony, as he goes to slide his ring on butterfingers drops it and says (very loudly) “OH SHIT!!” (which was frankly kind of funny but I was feeling cunty and in NO mood)
As the night continued, I noticed that the grooms eyes were never not red, even though the little fellas sobbing had stopped. His behavior seemed a little off as well, and the couple would disappear a lot.
Then there was a rather incomprehensible toast, after which I find out that the bar had been secretly diluting the couples drinks and that after every round they’d go outside for a vape session.
At one point when we couldn’t find them, they were spotted yelling at each other in the bridal suite. Then they were MIA for about 20 minutes (which is fantastic for wedding night photos.) The ballsy DJ decides to knock on the bridal suite door twice, then slowly opens it to see them silently embracing IN THE CLOSET (marijuana for the wedding win.)
They eventually bounce out like 2 happy go lucky fucking lunatics and fumble through some stupid dances. His puffy eyes nearly sealed shut yet somehow glowing a satanic red. Shortly thereafter, he is spotted out cold on the floor in front of the photo booth. (Who doesn’t need a nap during a wedding?) His friend helps him up, but he stays propped up against the wall like a cheap Spirit Halloween prop.
But soon – vapey vapey: HE’S BACK, reanimated and ready to dance with his visibly saddened and greatly disappointed mom, who spent the dance half trying to ‘enjoy’ the moment with her pathetic son, and half not throwing her back out keeping him vertical.
I’m pretty sure she immediately jumped on the brides now charged computer to take him out of her will.
Then jumped in the fucking lake.
