Saturday, April 11, 2009

The Best Worst wedding ever



Where do I begin to tell the story of the worst and lowest budget wedding I've ever had the pleasure of attending? How do I describe it without sounding smug or nasty?

I could tell you about the 19 year old bride who got married to her 21 year old husband because she was knocked up...but you might take that the wrong way. Maybe I could share how at her house while getting ready - her delightful brother---Miller Lite in hand---kept saying 'fuck this' and 'fucking' that right in front of a 6 year old. Does anyone have child protective services phone number handy? Or perhaps the direct line to Jerry Springer?

Or about the reception held in a church function hall that looked like a high school gym, replete with enchanting crepe paper decorations and white and purple balloons with wedding designs printed on them from the discount bin at Party City...but then you might think me rude.

I could regale you with tales of the ‘bar’ at the reception, which consisted of canned soda and boxed Franzia wine, served with plastic cups out of a red and white plastic cooler on the floor. Or about the wedding cake served on plastic plates with plastic knives. Does that make me cold?

How about the favors – bookmarks and little tulle bags with Hershey kisses inside with a tiny magical bell attached. Would I be mean if I told you about the centerpieces?--- round bowls filled with water, pebbles at the bottom , along with a single floating candle and a live fish – all in lieu of flowers. The poor little fish swimming for it's life, desperately trying not to get ignited by said candle.

Could I possibly be making this up? Maybe you’d like to hear about the church aisle runner coming detached, the brides carnation and baby's breath bouquet or the large tattoo between her shoulder blades. How about the decorative sparkles she glued next to her eyes, or the Best Mans “speech” which went something like “Uh, ummm – good luck you guys."

Ahhh - love! You can't put a price on it.