Bridal Must Haves

...an expression as passive-agreesive as "please advise", MUST HAVES is the latest aggravating bridal expression no doubt coined by all the fucking wedding rags that fill brides heads with deluded, unattainable dreams.

You know - you'll get that email with something like, "...and these are my photo 'must-haves' :) " with that mutha-fucking smiley face to diffuse the point that she knows how damn cunty she's being. But I suppose putting it in quotes diminishes the bitchiness somehow.

There are a LOT of things I MUST HAVE--just a few of which are listed here:

1. a pretty bride
2. a dress i haven't seen 20 other weekends
3. a dress that has been properly altered so you're not pulling up your tits all night long
4. flowers that are actually interesting and not from a grocery store
5. bridesmaids that FIT in their dress
6. a bridesmaid group MINUS the inevitable 'sad fat one'
7. kids that fucking behave
8. a wedding party with under 23 people in it
9. a DECENT room to photograph getting ready shot in, that actually has a window and this interesting thing called 'light'
10. a priest thats not a fucking dickhead
11. a church that is lit more than with 5 votive candles
12. groomsmen that are not all drunken douches
13. groomsmen who won't call me 'photo guy'
14. less than an hour drive between venues
15. a wedding someplace that is not a wedding factory
16. a wedding that has actual creative thought put into it, of which mirrors on the tables with sprinkled rose petals do not count
17. enough time for formals
18. did i mention an attractive couple?
19. howz about a meal at some point (thats whole other story)
20. to not be tapped on the shoulder all night being asked "HEY!!! Take THIS picture!!!"
21. less than a 12 hour day as really, lets face it, your wedding and you are not all THAT interesting.

Oh---surely I could go one forever, but Brides Of America--consider these demands before you ask me for your fucking Must Haves. March right into the bathroom and throw out all those stupid old copies of Modern Bride right now...your head is already filled with enough stupidity.