look at the fucking camera

SO try and tell me this hasn't happened to you: you are ready to shoot a group shot ---say 8 maybe 12 people---perhaps more.

You give everybody a count; a polite heads up: "OK! everybody READY!? HERE WE FUCKING GO..."

1---2---THREE!!!

click,click,click

And what do you get? The brides eyes are closed. The bridesmaid is checking out if the bar has started serving. The best man is checking out the bridesmaids tits. The grooms mother is watching guests disappointed at the shitty hors d'oeuvres selection. The groom is staring off blankly into the horizon of his doom.

And I Goddamn invisible people? Have any of you loser ever BEEN in front of a camera before? Are you 5 years old? How difficult can it really be, for a 125th of a second to not blink, open your piehole, turn your head sideways or make a stupid face? Is this photography thing brand new...it only started in the 1820's. Get on board, people.

we need your three million dollars

....so this fucking BULLSHIT was recently received from the time-to-get-over-themselves-Ritz-Carlton hotel of White Plains (WHITE PLAINS, for fucks sake!!! have you BEEN to FUCKING White Plains) Oooo girl - someone's pussy was all in a knot when they concocted this paperwork...This is their 4 page 'Vendor Policy' of which I shall quote distinguished highlights:

Upon arrival, all Vendors are required to check in with our Loss Prevention Department (Security) located immediately to the left after you enter through the double doors from the Loading Dock.

All event vendors carrying equipment MUST come through the Loading Dock at the ‘back of the house.’ Vendors are not permitted to load through the main (“Guest”) entrance to the hotel. (yep - enter through the hotels anus, please)

All Vendors must present valid picture identification and sign into Visitors Log.

All Vendors will receive a wrist band which must be worn at all times whilst on hotel property. (oh my: 'whilst'. So english---so classy...so sophisticated)

A $500 charge (to vendor) will be assessed for the removal of excessive trash, equipment or set up items left by Vendors after their departure that requires additional hotel labor to remove.

All food and non-alcoholic beverages are to be consumed in a designated area. (hmmmm...back to the loading dock? hallway? toilet stall, perhaps? thats always a nice place to jam food into your gullet in the 5 minutes they give you)

Vendors removing or consuming food from the guest buffets, reception stations or other designated guest-only food areas, will be charged $175.00 per person. (REALLY? FOR CUBES OF OLD KRAFT CHEDDAR CHEESE?)

AND THE CAPPER, AS IF WEARING A WRIST BAND ALL NIGHT WAS NOT HUMILIATING ENOUGH:

All outside vendors must provide a certificate of insurance with general liability coverage of a minimum of $3,000,000.00. Certificate must also list The Ritz-Carlton, Westchester, The Ritz-Carlton Hotel blahblahblah

NEVER--EVER, EVER (is that clear enough?) HAVE I OR ANYONE I AM AWARE OF BEEN ASKED TO PROVIDE THAT MUCH INSURANCE COVERAGE. What gives? Do they suspect i'm bringing in a Uzi? (although these rules are certainly enough to make one consider that...I wonder if Target sells them?...I have a gift card I need to use)

Do they think i'll go on a rampage. Its a C A M E R A for the love of god. You know? snapshots. clickity-click-click??Family memories.... Does a doctor opening up ones scalp to poke around a throbbing brain go through this much?

Yep - nothing like setting a positive tone with you in advance if the event. Nice job, people.

more fun from The Inn at Longshore

It simply never stops with this dump:

an email today from a future couple---

"...we had our meeting with Longshore last night and we inquired about the vendor meal. They told us the vendor meal consists of a hot protein and salad and that it was up to the chef. They would not commit to what a "hot protein" would be. Since you've dealt with the Inn in the past, I am not sure if you want to chance it and request the vendor meal. Let me know what you would like to do."

HOT PROTEIN??? Is the chef going to shoot his hot sperm load onto a dish for me? Thats very thoughtful and all, but this is what they tell couples? Unbelievable---

the Inn at Longshore sucks hot shit from my ass

...those fuckers at Inn At Longshore are at it again. Playing their 'only game in town card', now they are not just treating vendors like Nazi prisoners, NOW THEY ARE TAKING IT OUT ON COUPLES!!!!! Read on for a true story---

"Just wanted to touch base on a little change of plans... You were 100%
correct about the Inn at Longshore. We have run into a major
contractual issue with them, and are being forced to change our
reception venue. Given the shady way they have treated us,
we have little faith that our reception would come off without a hitch.
We're now moving to another hotel for our reception,
and are looking into church options down in the area as well to ease the
Friday night rush hour travel for our guests. I just wanted to let you
know right away to make sure that you're ok with driving to the new locale"

here's the shit those fucking pricks are pulling:

We had an initial meeting w/ this woman- - - - - - -, where we shared our estimated numbers, talked about options etc. We aren't having a huge wedding, it's only about 115 people, so we were specifically looking for a place without a "minimum." Since we booked a Friday night, she assured us that there weren't any minimums and waived some other nominal charges for cocktail setup etc. I sent in a form w/ a credit card deposit to hold the date in good faith. We received a letter of intent from them (to be signed) stating that there was a minimum (of a ridiculous amount), so we called multiple times to let them know that we couldn't sign it, that we needed it revised with the terms that we agreed to. Months went by. No agreement. I called again. Via email, I was assured that the terms discussed with her were in place, and that we would sit down to go through the contract soon. Then recently we finally went there, and again - this ridiculous minimum was on the form. We went back and forth, and found out that - - - -, the person we originally dealt with, has been fired and that they are not willing to honor her terms. That was the thing that initially made us think of running the other way… but it was this woman, Jamie who really sealed the deal. She was so rude and nasty… and inappropriate! Rudely interrupting us when we were discussing our options, talking about how she had to sell a certain dollar amount to support her kid because she doesn't get child support and that she had her Dad cosign for her car (she's in her 40's) etc. etc.

[REALLY? boo-hoo-hoo----are you fucking serious? Are you running a friggin' business or do you need tickets to "Maury"?]

How professional!!!.....

What a nightmare for the client!!!!! Hopefully that dusty, overrated shithole will eventually rot to the ground. The last time I was there their air conditioning was LITERALLY leaking out of one of the walls in the reception room. The poor puzzled staff was trying to remedy it but placing dinner napkins under the leak to absorb it. Its nothing but a a glorified VFV hall with a psudeo-view, which stinks like my saggy day-old underpanties at low tide.

I hope that this crap is biting then in the ass. You should not be treating clients this way in this economy---or EVER for that matter. When this crazy bitch is at the welfare office looking for foodstamps, maybe she'll change her tune and lighten the fuck up.

Let me add - that this is the SECOND situation I have encountered in the last month where someone has backed out of their contract with these bastards - even at the expense of losing up to $2,500, just to NOT deal with them. This shit should not fly, PERIOD.

This place SO PISSES ME OFF. If you have a wedding there or are thinking about it---beware!!! (and this is not even because they serve recycled, baked diarrhea to the vendors [see below for recipe] )

The Inn at Longshore is at it again---

I had high hopes. I really did. The last several times I was at The Inn At Longshore the staff was very nice and actually went out of they way to be sure I was fed. "Somethings changed!" I happily thought to my self.

Not so fast.

The staff was still very nice, and mentioned "OH! WE have a meal for you later!" What they failed to mention was that the chef used to obviously work in a Iranian prison, and is experienced in using fecal matter as foodstuffs. We go in the back where there are multiple food trays awaiting. As we peel back the silver lid, we're met with a visual display unlike any other.

First the accompagnement: a few soggy pieces of what was once-upon-a-time asparagus, that appeared to be cooked in their industrial dishwasher. I could almost hear it screaming to be put out of its misery. AHH - but wait---in the CENTER of the vegetables were a few, leftover pieces of ziti with tomato sauce (the lucky guests had a scrumptious pasta course) So what the fuck is that? It was like "OH, we had some ziti we found on the floor, lets throw it in the middle of the vegetables." REALLY? Who DOES that?

and now for the plat principal- of which I was lucky enough to get the recipe!

step 1- find some poop on the lawn - preferably old and lumpy (Goose poop is always a gourmets choice)

step 2- form it into an long oval loaf about 3 inches across.

step 3- bake at 350 for 5 hours, so the edges get nice and crispy so no one can tell what its made of

step 4- slice it to give the appearance of something special, rather than the fucking lump of shit it really is

step 5- serve it to your helpless vendors who you obviously do not give 2 shits about

step 6- tell the bride the vendors have been fed so you stay out of trouble

step 7 - prepare to run to the can to shit out whatever the hell you just ate. Save said poop for kitchen to create tomorrows dinner. Ah, the Circle Of Life.

But honestly - I TRULY did not know what the fuck it was. Was it meatloaf? Was it a sausage thingy? Why was it so tiny? (an inch thick, 3 inches across) Whose rectum had it just slid out of?

I don't know why they think they can continue to get away with this. I assume they figure they can bank on their semi-nice view and feed people crap. Band together vendors--don't stand for this!!!

we're not hiring you, but we'll tell all our friends to use you!

what the fuck is THAT. When a couple calls and tells you they have gone elsewhere for your services but then proceed to alleviate their guilt by saying how they will 'Recommend you to ALL OF THEIR FRIENDS!!"

"Uh yeah, Hi Susie, yes---say, Bill and I are getting married! Can you believe it? He finally popped the question...say, who did you use for your photography?"

"OH, well we HIRED the fine folks at Magical Wedding Fantasy Champagne Memory Studios, but YOU should call these OTHER people who we did not hire."

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Well they were SO nice and did such BEAUTIFUL work, it was unbelievable."

"But you didn't hire them...do you hate me or something?"

"NONSENSE we adore you, which is why you should call the people we didn't use--they were SO nice and we just LOVED everything about them."

"Are you high?"

"Well not yet today no, but you HAVE to call them, even though we did not use them. They're wonderful and we'd use them again for everything if we had it to do over, but we're not and never will so we won't have to worry about that!"

"I'm calling the hospital to take you away, Susie."

Do everyone a favor and drop the bullshit when you decide against a particular vendor...or you may go to The Funny Farm like Susie.

The Best Worst wedding ever

Where do I begin to tell the story of the worst and lowest budget wedding I've ever had the pleasure of attending? How do I describe it without sounding smug or nasty?

I could tell you about the 19 year old bride who got married to her 21 year old husband because she was knocked up...but you might take that the wrong way. Maybe I could share how at her house while getting ready - her delightful brother---Miller Lite in hand---kept saying 'fuck this' and 'fucking' that right in front of a 6 year old. Does anyone have child protective services phone number handy? Or perhaps the direct line to Jerry Springer?

Or about the reception held in a church function hall that looked like a high school gym, replete with enchanting crepe paper decorations and white and purple balloons with wedding designs printed on them from the discount bin at Party City...but then you might think me rude.

I could regale you with tales of the ‘bar’ at the reception, which consisted of canned soda and boxed Franzia wine, served with plastic cups out of a red and white plastic cooler on the floor. Or about the wedding cake served on plastic plates with plastic knives. Does that make me cold?

How about the favors – bookmarks and little tulle bags with Hershey kisses inside with a tiny magical bell attached. Would I be mean if I told you about the centerpieces?--- round bowls filled with water, pebbles at the bottom , along with a single floating candle and a live fish – all in lieu of flowers. The poor little fish swimming for it's life, desperately trying not to get ignited by said candle.

Could I possibly be making this up? Maybe you’d like to hear about the church aisle runner coming detached, the brides carnation and baby's breath bouquet or the large tattoo between her shoulder blades. How about the decorative sparkles she glued next to her eyes, or the Best Mans “speech” which went something like “Uh, ummm – good luck you guys."

Ahhh - love! You can't put a price on it.