The Inn at Longshore is at it again---

I had high hopes. I really did. The last several times I was at The Inn At Longshore the staff was very nice and actually went out of they way to be sure I was fed. "Somethings changed!" I happily thought to my self.

Not so fast.

The staff was still very nice, and mentioned "OH! WE have a meal for you later!" What they failed to mention was that the chef used to obviously work in a Iranian prison, and is experienced in using fecal matter as foodstuffs. We go in the back where there are multiple food trays awaiting. As we peel back the silver lid, we're met with a visual display unlike any other.

First the accompagnement: a few soggy pieces of what was once-upon-a-time asparagus, that appeared to be cooked in their industrial dishwasher. I could almost hear it screaming to be put out of its misery. AHH - but wait---in the CENTER of the vegetables were a few, leftover pieces of ziti with tomato sauce (the lucky guests had a scrumptious pasta course) So what the fuck is that? It was like "OH, we had some ziti we found on the floor, lets throw it in the middle of the vegetables." REALLY? Who DOES that?

and now for the plat principal- of which I was lucky enough to get the recipe!

step 1- find some poop on the lawn - preferably old and lumpy (Goose poop is always a gourmets choice)

step 2- form it into an long oval loaf about 3 inches across.

step 3- bake at 350 for 5 hours, so the edges get nice and crispy so no one can tell what its made of

step 4- slice it to give the appearance of something special, rather than the fucking lump of shit it really is

step 5- serve it to your helpless vendors who you obviously do not give 2 shits about

step 6- tell the bride the vendors have been fed so you stay out of trouble

step 7 - prepare to run to the can to shit out whatever the hell you just ate. Save said poop for kitchen to create tomorrows dinner. Ah, the Circle Of Life.

But honestly - I TRULY did not know what the fuck it was. Was it meatloaf? Was it a sausage thingy? Why was it so tiny? (an inch thick, 3 inches across) Whose rectum had it just slid out of?

I don't know why they think they can continue to get away with this. I assume they figure they can bank on their semi-nice view and feed people crap. Band together vendors--don't stand for this!!!

we're not hiring you, but we'll tell all our friends to use you!

what the fuck is THAT. When a couple calls and tells you they have gone elsewhere for your services but then proceed to alleviate their guilt by saying how they will 'Recommend you to ALL OF THEIR FRIENDS!!"

"Uh yeah, Hi Susie, yes---say, Bill and I are getting married! Can you believe it? He finally popped the question...say, who did you use for your photography?"

"OH, well we HIRED the fine folks at Magical Wedding Fantasy Champagne Memory Studios, but YOU should call these OTHER people who we did not hire."

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Well they were SO nice and did such BEAUTIFUL work, it was unbelievable."

"But you didn't hire them...do you hate me or something?"

"NONSENSE we adore you, which is why you should call the people we didn't use--they were SO nice and we just LOVED everything about them."

"Are you high?"

"Well not yet today no, but you HAVE to call them, even though we did not use them. They're wonderful and we'd use them again for everything if we had it to do over, but we're not and never will so we won't have to worry about that!"

"I'm calling the hospital to take you away, Susie."

Do everyone a favor and drop the bullshit when you decide against a particular vendor...or you may go to The Funny Farm like Susie.

The Best Worst wedding ever

Where do I begin to tell the story of the worst and lowest budget wedding I've ever had the pleasure of attending? How do I describe it without sounding smug or nasty?

I could tell you about the 19 year old bride who got married to her 21 year old husband because she was knocked up...but you might take that the wrong way. Maybe I could share how at her house while getting ready - her delightful brother---Miller Lite in hand---kept saying 'fuck this' and 'fucking' that right in front of a 6 year old. Does anyone have child protective services phone number handy? Or perhaps the direct line to Jerry Springer?

Or about the reception held in a church function hall that looked like a high school gym, replete with enchanting crepe paper decorations and white and purple balloons with wedding designs printed on them from the discount bin at Party City...but then you might think me rude.

I could regale you with tales of the ‘bar’ at the reception, which consisted of canned soda and boxed Franzia wine, served with plastic cups out of a red and white plastic cooler on the floor. Or about the wedding cake served on plastic plates with plastic knives. Does that make me cold?

How about the favors – bookmarks and little tulle bags with Hershey kisses inside with a tiny magical bell attached. Would I be mean if I told you about the centerpieces?--- round bowls filled with water, pebbles at the bottom , along with a single floating candle and a live fish – all in lieu of flowers. The poor little fish swimming for it's life, desperately trying not to get ignited by said candle.

Could I possibly be making this up? Maybe you’d like to hear about the church aisle runner coming detached, the brides carnation and baby's breath bouquet or the large tattoo between her shoulder blades. How about the decorative sparkles she glued next to her eyes, or the Best Mans “speech” which went something like “Uh, ummm – good luck you guys."

Ahhh - love! You can't put a price on it.

we LOVE your work but we have no money

What the fuck? I know the economy is in the shitter, but it's an email like this that will send you to the looney bin:

" First, I'd like you to know that we truly love your photographs. When we compare photographers, the quality of your work clearly stands out. It is exemplary, beautiful, and captures the essence of not only the day, but the uniqueness of each couple as well. At this time, however, we are working with a limited budget and are not sure that we can fully afford the price you have quoted. If there is any wiggle room, or ways that we can work together to decrease the cost, it would be great to discuss things further. Thank you so much for your understanding and we hope to speak with you soon!"

YES, baby---wiggle yourself to the ATM and make a withdrawal. So it's in a situation like this that I have to wonder - if the photography is so fucking important, then what ELSE has gone under the budget hatchet? It's really a matter of bridal preference in the end, isn't it?

Is she going all out on the dress, or buying some shitty-ass-poly-blend-fire-hazard that might ignite when her fat thighs rub together?

Is she going to make a Stop and Shop run for flowers and a bushel of babys breath on the way to the altar? Maybe some nice plastic or silk delights from Michael's Arts & Crafts...as nothing say 'classic' more than flowers that smell like a plastic garbage bag. . . sprinkle some glitter around the table and you'll provide your guests with a sparkling fantasyland, as well as something for the kids to inhale and choke on. Throw around some shit trinkets from Christmas Tree Shops too and make the table look full. Full of shitty crap.

Think she'll expect the groom to go cheapo on the ring? Fuck no! That poor sap is now in the hole for the next 10 years trying to pay off that glimmering Pussy Insurance.

No no, a much smarter choice would be to skimp on your photography: the thing you cannot live without but somehow simply cannot pay for. So in 10 years when the shit-ass proofs you got from "Tony Nunzio's Champagne Fantasy Photography and Video DJ Studios" fade to the color of urine and ice tea, you're 8 kids can look at you and say, "Mom and Dad---you were some cheap motherfuckers."

aCUNTability.

Your kids are not really all that cute.

There are few things you can depend on at a wedding with any reason, although one thing is for certain; there will always be screaming children in church. Squirming, squealing and fidgeting – you’re guaranteed some inane, inconsiderate couple will drag their spawn into the House Of God. Oh sure, some people bring their kids their for actual religious reasons, but most are their for show. Usually these kids disappear right after the ceremony, so you know they have been hosed down, dressed up , dragged around and put on display...like a perfectly preened Pekingese presented at a dog show, swathed in pretty pink bows, miniaturized tuxedoes, tiny frilly dresses and wee-little polished shoes. They deck them out and prance them on parade. “OH! How cute!” you’ll hear over and over again, filling the parents needy ego, as Jr. stands close by with a finger jammed up his nose mining for gold. Covered in frills, spittle and the remains of lunch, they inevitably begin belching out loud yelps like a screaming banshee, echoing throughout the cathedral. The Priest looks on, praying to God and silently ignoring the ordeal. Guests glance in the general direction wearing understanding smiles, while what they really want to do is toss a bible at their heads. The wedding couple, nervous wrecks as it is, think the most unholy of thoughts as they kneel at the altar. “Which side of the family are they on, who invited them, let's never have children, and why didn’t we elope?” they wonder.

Mindless of the distraction it causes, parents seem to think the most adorable activity since Time Began is to let their tots run amok though, around and under church pews. Their little hard-heeled shoes stomp about like a fleet of rats with wood blocks strapped to their feet. It’s usually only a matter of time until one of them falls or bangs into something, and the unearthly Death Cry begins. Sometimes, even THAT isn’t enough to convince Mom and Dad to swiftly remove their incubus from the premises, even though the sounds begin to draw wild animals into the area. Many churches offer glass enclosed soundproof booths in which to bring your wailing beast. This lets Little Susie scream until she blows a blood vessel, and Mommy can feel like she’s backstage at The Newlywed Game.

Isn’t it bad enough that you have to deal with the uncertainly of 3 year old ring-bearers and flower girls? With all of the concern for The Perfect Day, it’s amazing how many anxiety-producing components couples willingly add to the mix. Little girls with rings of flowers in their hair crying their eyes out from fear right before they are to walk down the aisle. Small boys in tiny but still oversized tuxedos slapping the ring pillow against the church wall. Through all of this, the doe eyed parents beam with joy and egg them on, unconscious of how disruptive all this behavior really is. When did ‘obnoxious’ and ‘misbehaved’ become “cute”?
Still, the lure of parading children about is a temptation most parents cannot resist. But you have to wonder when it is during the child rearing period they become immune to the racket the kids make, and why they it’s appropriate to make every one else suffer through it…especially during a wedding. All the planning, rehearsals, flowers – and you end up with some twice removed relatives drooling toddler tripping over and ripping the runner down the center aisle, before you even have a chance to walk down it as Husband and Wife.

Here’s a wedding tip parents– do us all a favor leave the offspring at home, or stay home yourselves and send a check.

letters, we get letters

a submission from an equally angry vendor-----


okay where do i start?

i am aggravated at the video guys who think they are photogs and the djs that also think they are photogs!!!!!!!

I shot a wedding at a venue this weekend..should I mention the dump --not sure.

anyhow before the ceremony I went up to the dj to get the usual low down. The dj tells me that when i take my photos after the ceremony he is gonna take some to put up on his cheezy looking tvs that are already in this pretty tacky looking ballroom. I'm sorry---are we at the ESPN Zone? Did I mention behind the head table are shear curtains lining the back of the wall with almost a repulsive yellow tint. They look like they have been up there for about 30 years, never changed and dyed with the vomit of drunk groomsmen.

anyhow back to the story. So I tell the dj no it is not okay but does he listen of course not. So as I am doing groups he is clicking away...not to mention my assistant is trying to step in front of him every chance they get ha! So here is the killer ---half way through the video guy too pulls out his camera and starts shooting ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

So now i shoot the couple and it is like the paparazzi.  I finally get fed up and say hey you are distracting me....in a not so nice but nice manner... well i try to be nice to this fucking prick. I then take the couple away into a field and thank goodness they don't follow!


So i get into the reception and the photo the dj took are up on his awful looking tvs....of course the photos are crap, crap and more crap. Big piles of shit in hi-def. But are guests thinking this is my work? i hope not. So i ask the dj one more time can i give you some photos to put up there? He replies, "No, house rules... i cannot  - only our photos can go up there. what the fuck?

so here it is..........

DJ's I dont get all up in your booth and plug in my ipod and play dj so dont play photog!!!!!!!

video guys: i dont get all up in YOUR coolie and pull out a video cam, so put your camera  away.

dj and video guy: if you need photos just ask i will happily give them to you the way they should look. Stick to what you do and don;t try to do it all. Maybe practice your DJ skills, as they were not all that hot either---