this has nothing to do with weddings

but is just damn funny...

I need this from you

here's a laugh riot thats ben making the rounds from someone who wants to book someone on a saturday in the peak-summertime for 4 hours and at a cut-rate price. Why not call you old baby sitter, as she probably has an old Instamatic lying around and could do this for you with all the style, care and pizzaz you obviously don't give 2 shits about:

Hi angryvendor,

The below referenced package is what I am seeking.

Could you let me know the price as well as payment schedule please?

1. 4 Hours – Coverage
2. 4X6 Prints
3. On-line viewing site for friends and family
4. High resolution CD Rom, with rights
5. Engagement sitting

Time Schdule for the event is from 5pm till 9pm

Can each item be itemized out please?

Regards,
Apain Intheass

get lost, Camera Guy

"I hate you,Goyum"

...so I recently attended a wedding rehearsal - simple enough, take a few shots-- right? In/out everybody's happy.

Perhaps - but not when its overseen by the worlds nastiest Rabbi. This was a REHEARSAL - and while they were actually signing the Ketubah - making it therefore all legit so the groom to be could pork the bride later on and not feel guilty - it was held in the dining room of a country club. Not exactly the most sacred and holy of spots.

As the servers whiz by - trays full of pungent food held high overhead, he is suddenly distracted by a noisy child. He looks over his shoulder and says (I paraphrase) "If the kids are going to make that much noise then they---well---need to be removed."

REMOVED? I'm no fan of screaming kiddies, but what clergy member has kids taken OUT of a service. Someone remind me again why i don't attend church...

OK - so a bit later right before the signing, I sit at one of the chairs at the table - pretty normal behavior for me. Now this slob is sweaty - I mean 'have-to-keep-a-hankie-on-my-right-hand-to-swab-the-drips' sweaty. His tired little yamaka sliding down his moist, greasy scalp. He looks up at me and says, "Camera Guy--you cannot use flash during this ceremony. I shall tell you when you're able to use flash."

"OH, ok." I say to him turning of the flash. He then looks at me and waves his stumpy hand full of swollen fingers at me like there was a gnat flying around- to shoo me away! HE"S FUCKING SHOOING ME AWAY!

So i get up - blood boiling - and move away 3 tables.

The ceremony proceeds and at the end - his Frodo stand-in of a wife 'announces' to the room "You may now take flash photography if you wish" I sit motionless. "Fuck you." i'm thinking to myself.

"Where is the Camera Guy?" he says outloud. Uhhh - right over here RABBI GUY.

"I'm good, thanks---" I say regarding the photos I will now NOT take. What am I supposed to shoot? The service is over. People sitting around a badly decorated dining room table in a glorified mess hall? A shot of them all staring blankly up at me? If it would have not caused a fuss - or if I could have gotten him aside, I would have loved to ask "What exactly WAS I supposed to be photographing at that point?"

Sometimes it does not pay to leave the house

stop selling me your shit

You know what I mean - you open a photography magazine and whats it filled with (other than ads)? Photographers selling you their fucking shit. Seminars. DVD'S. Online training. Actions. Presets. Web templates. Weekend Getaways. Light diffusers. Textures. Training. Plug-ins. Whale Tails and Ding Dongs. E-Books etc etc etc ad nauseam.

I get it, OK! You wanna make a buck. And I am equally guilty for giving in now and then. I have bought my share of STUFF - some of it cool, much of it not.

How does anyone have time to shoot anymore? REMEMBER that? The camera and that passion? Shooting cool stuff with no hidden agenda? Rather than: "I'll shoot this only because this blog likes that kind of work, and that blog is smokin' hot right now, and if I get in there i'll get published here or there - after which so-and-so will see it and ask me to give a talk with them, and i'll get invited to L.A. and then i'll get to work with this florist who fucks that planner who knows that MAGAZINE PUBLISHER!!!! - Genius! Then I can stoop shooting, charge $10,000 an appearance and talk for the rest of my life about my 10 winning photos I took 15 years ago, that I can show over and over and over and over and over which no one will call me out on because at this point: I'M ME!!! And ME is a virtual rockstar."

You think the famed photographers who paved the way for each and every one of us were busy dreaming up crap to sell the rest of their peers? Did Richard Avedon have his mug plastered on the side of a bus sponsored by Kodak. Think Ansel was siting on Half Dome concocting a week long seminar on how to reproduce images EXACTLY LIKE HIS?

Nope.

Listen - just cool it a little. Lets try to get back to basics and don't forget about The Work. I wonder if potential couples have any idea of the constant barrage of shit we're fed with each new magazine/blog/trade show? It's headache inducing. It's depressing. It's upsetting.

A gimmick can only last so long - and people are fickle. Solid work will with outlast all of the B.S. Do your thing the best you know how, and don't worry so much about being the Next Big Thing. If it's supposed to happen---then it'll happen.

The last thing I need is another DVD telling me how wrong i've been doing everything.

Incidentally this rant is available as an Mp3 download, DVD seminar or paperback for $19.95 each , plus shipping.

i need my images yesterday

it's been a long time coming. creeping slowly...insidious. Once Upon A Time - you dragged your ass to the lab, plopped down your film, crossed your fingers, hoped the kid processing it getting paid $8.50 an hour was paying attention and used DEVELOPER rather than FIXER, and that the lights were kept off. Then it was prints or a contact sheet which had to be mailed, which meant properly sized envelopes, cardboard and a trip back to the post-ofice to have it weighed.

all that has changed, but is it for the best?

It is a good thing when you shoot a wedding on a Saturday and then in SUNDAY you have relatives emailing you for passwords...wondering where on earth the photos are. How could you delay things so outrageously? Don't you know how important each and every image is that they need to see it the next day? ...matter of fact - how about you make them appear even before you shoot the fuckers?

I mean-- come on people; I know you're excited but give us a break. I recently received an email suggesting that perhaps there was something wrong with the images from a family shoot---because 3 days passed without their seeing anything!!!!! Really? 3 days - 2 of which were the weekend.

I simply don't know what else to do to make people happy....

look at the fucking camera

SO try and tell me this hasn't happened to you: you are ready to shoot a group shot ---say 8 maybe 12 people---perhaps more.

You give everybody a count; a polite heads up: "OK! everybody READY!? HERE WE FUCKING GO..."

1---2---THREE!!!

click,click,click

And what do you get? The brides eyes are closed. The bridesmaid is checking out if the bar has started serving. The best man is checking out the bridesmaids tits. The grooms mother is watching guests disappointed at the shitty hors d'oeuvres selection. The groom is staring off blankly into the horizon of his doom.

And I Goddamn invisible people? Have any of you loser ever BEEN in front of a camera before? Are you 5 years old? How difficult can it really be, for a 125th of a second to not blink, open your piehole, turn your head sideways or make a stupid face? Is this photography thing brand new...it only started in the 1820's. Get on board, people.

we need your three million dollars

....so this fucking BULLSHIT was recently received from the time-to-get-over-themselves-Ritz-Carlton hotel of White Plains (WHITE PLAINS, for fucks sake!!! have you BEEN to FUCKING White Plains) Oooo girl - someone's pussy was all in a knot when they concocted this paperwork...This is their 4 page 'Vendor Policy' of which I shall quote distinguished highlights:

Upon arrival, all Vendors are required to check in with our Loss Prevention Department (Security) located immediately to the left after you enter through the double doors from the Loading Dock.

All event vendors carrying equipment MUST come through the Loading Dock at the ‘back of the house.’ Vendors are not permitted to load through the main (“Guest”) entrance to the hotel. (yep - enter through the hotels anus, please)

All Vendors must present valid picture identification and sign into Visitors Log.

All Vendors will receive a wrist band which must be worn at all times whilst on hotel property. (oh my: 'whilst'. So english---so classy...so sophisticated)

A $500 charge (to vendor) will be assessed for the removal of excessive trash, equipment or set up items left by Vendors after their departure that requires additional hotel labor to remove.

All food and non-alcoholic beverages are to be consumed in a designated area. (hmmmm...back to the loading dock? hallway? toilet stall, perhaps? thats always a nice place to jam food into your gullet in the 5 minutes they give you)

Vendors removing or consuming food from the guest buffets, reception stations or other designated guest-only food areas, will be charged $175.00 per person. (REALLY? FOR CUBES OF OLD KRAFT CHEDDAR CHEESE?)

AND THE CAPPER, AS IF WEARING A WRIST BAND ALL NIGHT WAS NOT HUMILIATING ENOUGH:

All outside vendors must provide a certificate of insurance with general liability coverage of a minimum of $3,000,000.00. Certificate must also list The Ritz-Carlton, Westchester, The Ritz-Carlton Hotel blahblahblah

NEVER--EVER, EVER (is that clear enough?) HAVE I OR ANYONE I AM AWARE OF BEEN ASKED TO PROVIDE THAT MUCH INSURANCE COVERAGE. What gives? Do they suspect i'm bringing in a Uzi? (although these rules are certainly enough to make one consider that...I wonder if Target sells them?...I have a gift card I need to use)

Do they think i'll go on a rampage. Its a C A M E R A for the love of god. You know? snapshots. clickity-click-click??Family memories.... Does a doctor opening up ones scalp to poke around a throbbing brain go through this much?

Yep - nothing like setting a positive tone with you in advance if the event. Nice job, people.