shitty wedding from hell

You kinda know it in advance. When the couple is just not a good match but you still take the job hoping for the best. Hoping they will come around and see the light.

But then you get that 'photo shot request' email that starts to make you wonder. "Can you shoot us while magically hovering above us in space as we look longingly into each others eyes? Even though we won't pay for 2 photographers, can you be in the aisle as well as in the 4 story balcony at the same time. Can you Bi-Locate?"

And of course, its at that point you realize that this wedding will be one of the 'bad ones' for the year.

They always happen you know. Try as you may to weed them out. They sneak through the cracks like an earwig in the middle of the summer and before you know it - they have squirmed into your head and planted their eggs.

This is The One i was worried about--- and it may have been the death of me. Agitated bride. Hyper-controlling mother who is out of her mind and wants all these shots of herself she keeps posing for, in that creepy stop-look-smile manner.

"Did u get a picture of THIS??? did u get a shot of THAT???!!! You shot the mantle? Didya shoot the pastries on the tray? You shot the table? You shot this fucking muthafuking shit or another...RIGHT??!!"

YES YES YES, godammitt. Go change your Tampax.

So It's raining with the humidity at 200%, which if you happen to be in SoCal or someplace where humidity is not an issue, you cannot appreciate. You sweat in unimaginable places. Things that shouldn't, cling and stick to each other in your nether regions.

This wedding was almost everything I hate about weddings rolled into one. Disinterested groom and bridal party. Disorganized. Fat slobs. Micromanage happy. Forced smiles. A Dad who took pride in his Not Smiling. Distractions. No one paying attention. No focus. No one listening to me like i'm invisible.

As if I don't exist.

People telling me how to shoot. Guests tapping me on the shoulder during the reception saying "HEY!! Take THIS picture!!!" "Did you get THAT over THERE???!!"

Gum chewing during formals in church by the mother.

The same mother who was all uptight about everything being so fucking perfect at the house. Yes she has a wad of gum on her mouth. Am I at a County Fair? Am I judging you on your cud munching ability? Shall I present you with a ribbon?

So I say to her--- "YOU are chewing gum!?"

"No i'm not." she says as she stops chewing like she's a little kid.

"YES you are---this is like a sixth grade classroom!!!" (which i cant believe i said, but this was my chance to dish the shit back at her.)

"Can we do this fast? Can you shoot so and so (mere moments after the wedding) they have to leave." TO FUCKING GO WHERE??? I mean - we are all but 2 minutes into 'formals' and people have to LEAVE?? I ask "well WHERE do they have to do - we have barely taken any photos"

"Well its hot and they have to take the kids." No shit its hot, as the sweat literally is running into my burning eyeballs. HERE'S A THOUGHT - leave the fucking kids at home IF IT'S THAT MUCH OF AN ISSUE--FOR FUCKS SAKE.

I take ONE SETUP and Miss Bride says, "Can we move at some point? I don't want all the shots in the same place." I gave her a really dirty 'are you fucking kidding me' look and said "We WILL, that was only THE FIRST PHOTO!!!!"

The .

First.

God.

Damn.

Photo.

Later on at the reception I hear- "Did you shoot the cake?"

NO.

i've been to 400 muthafucking weddings and I never do THAT. Why on earth would i shoot your fucking ugly cake.

I'm sorry - did you hire a circus clown of a WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHER? Why come to think of it, I could second guess your choice of what seems to be a potentially abusive husband, but chose kept my trap shut. Why don't you try the same approach and let me do the job you hired me for?

....end of the night I get this: "I hope WE did not drive you TOO crazy and you had SOME fun!"

you did drive me crazy. Enough to make me want to quit the business

And I did NOT have any fucking fun, you wacky cunt. Being second guessed and bossed around is not my idea of fun---is it YOURS?

Have a blast in Aruba--be sure to take the Natalie Holloway Death Tour---

Wedding Enjoyed By No One But Bride

(copied here from The Onion)

NEW ROCHELLE, NY—The lavish, 250-guest wedding of James and Mindy Gallagher, held Sunday at the New Rochelle Country Club, was enjoyed by no one but the bride.

The bride poses with some of the sufferers.

"Today is such a beautiful day," said attendee Chris Barker, a second cousin of the groom, as he watched the newlyweds dance. "I can't believe I'm stuck spending it at this stupid thing when I could be out playing golf."

Barker, who drove four hours from Philadelphia to attend the event, was then dragged off for a table photo with the 14 complete strangers with whom he was seated.

"I'm pretty sure I've set my all-time single-day record for awkward conversations," continued Barker, forcing a smile as a photographer snapped the table picture. "Not that I could hear anything anybody said to me, what with that godawful wedding band blaring 'Old Time Rock 'N' Roll' and 'Love Shack' the whole time."

Like 249 of the 250 in attendance, members of the bridal party expressed a lack of enthusiasm for the $200,000 affair.

"To be honest, I never really liked Mindy all that much," said bridesmaid Ellen Lessing, 24, a college sorority sister of the bride. "I always thought she was kind of a stuck-up bitch. But when she asked me to be in her bridal party—I guess because I'd been her sorority sponsor back in college—I felt obligated to go. We've had almost no contact since graduation, yet I still flew halfway across the country just to be in the wedding of someone I hardly even know."

Compounding Lessing's misery was the "vomit-worthy" purple and teal dress that she and the other bridesmaids were forced to purchase and wear.

"This abomination cost me $675," said Lessing, who has no plans ever to wear the dress again. "I'd be pissed even if it didn't make me look like a walrus."

Other friends had their own reasons for not having a good time. These ranged from jealousy over not being included in the wedding party to unspoken resentment over all the attention heaped on Mindy, to the sad realization that Mindy would drift apart from her single friends now that she is married.

"Well, Mindy had a wonderful time, so I guess it was worth it, because this is her special day," said Dr. Carl Lingren, 54, father of the bride. "As for me, I'm still not sure why I blew almost $2,400 on place settings, but Mindy assured me that spending the extra money to have the seating cards foil-embossed would make the day 'truly special.' You'd think flying her three cousins and great aunt in from Sweden would've been enough to make it truly special, but apparently not."

Dr. Lingren then retired to the bar, where he proceeded to drink heavily.

Not even groom James Gallagher enjoyed the reception.

"This is the best day of my life," said Gallagher, reading from an index card in a robotic monotone. "All my life has led up to this magical moment, the day I am bound in eternal matrimony to my sweet Mindy forevermore."

Sources close to the groom say the commitment-phobic Gallagher had been dreading the event since Mindy first brought up the idea of marriage more than a year and a half ago, confiding to close confidants that he was "just doing it to finally shut her up."

Personal-relations expert and noted therapist Dr. Eli Wasserbaum said Gallagher's attitude is far from unusual.

"For men, trepidation about marriage is common," Wasserbaum said. "And a total lack of interest in the details of a wedding reception is more common still, even among those who marry willingly. As for the small handful of grooms who actually enjoy their wedding receptions, I'd say most of them are latently gay."

According to Ira Giraldi, editor of Wedding Style magazine, the dread felt by the average wedding guest is understandable.

"Most people don't enjoy weddings—why would they?" Giraldi said. "They have to sit around for long periods making uncomfortable small talk with people they barely know and will probably never see again. They're expected to help offset the great expense of the wedding by purchasing obligatory gifts arbitrarily chosen off some wedding registry—gifts that reflect nothing about the giver. Plus, it generally eats up an entire day, if not a whole weekend, in cases where air travel is involved."

Continued Giraldi: "Worst of all, nobody is ever allowed to openly express these universally held feelings. The rules of social conduct obligate guests to endure the entire experience with a surface patina of strained gaiety, a mask of merrymaking and good cheer that becomes progressively more difficult to maintain as the event drags on."

Despite the boredom of those around her, Mindy had "the most wonderful day ever," bursting into spontaneous tears of joy at several points during the awful-for-everybody-but-her experience.

"I could dance all night," Mindy said. "I wish Jimmy liked to dance more. But I don't care if I'm out on the floor all by myself. This is my day!"

The mother of the bride, traditionally the only other person capable of having a good time at a wedding, was not in attendance, as she died three years ago in a gruesome motorboat accident.

lending a hand in a time of need

One of the great things bout knowing other photographers is that you get to share stories, advice, camaraderie, and friendship. And if one is going to happen to be ATTENDING a wedding you are shooting, then the floodgates of good-tidings open up like it's Christmas morning....

I know how hard your job is So here are some things I'm going to help you out with the day of the wedding:

1) I will be getting the entire wedding party shit canned before the ceremony to make your job impossible.

2) I will speed walking down the isle and will direct the entire BP to do the same.

3) I will be talking non-stop during all the formals. I may mix in a few Captain Morgan posses as well. If I'm not in the photo I will shout things over your shoulder so that I become the center of attention.

4) At some point during the night I will call you "picture guy "or "camera guy "or something along the those lines and make you take a photo of me doing something to the groom that you will most likely need to delete for fear of prosecution.

5) I'll ask you "what camera are you shooting with" and then will look at you blankly when you tell me what it is. I will most likely will follow up with " how many megapixels is that? " I will then walk away looking disappointed in you.

6) I will tell the whoever is handling the ceremony that you are not a photographer. In fact you are most likely an a cult, have a closet full of shrunken heads at home and should not be trusted. You are only there to steal the souls of the people you are "photographing"

7) I will kidnap at lest one BP member or parent during formals and lock them in the bathroom.

8) If at all possible I will direct you to the nearest beautiful gazebo for photos.

9) I will walk into any lightstand you may have put up during the night, no matter where you put it. I'll be sure not alert the fact that your flash is now on the floor in a lump of crumbled batteries and plastic.

10) I will send at lest one guest to attack you on the dance floor. This may or may not include them un-tucking your shirt while your shooting , hip checking or sex simulation.

11) I will tell all the older woman there that you can take 10 year and 20lbs off with your camera. They just have to ask you how to stand the right way.

12) I will spill red wine all over someone important's dress just because I know you can "photoshop that out". Right? That's EASY 'these days'?

13) I will blink and/or turn my head sideways in all of you great group shots.

14) I will be shooting over you shoulder for most if not all of the event. I will also offer up advice for additional group shoots such as bride with everyone of her 45 sorority sisters individually and as a group. One with drinks and one without.

15) I will also set up group shots on my own in the same location and at the same time you. Chances are I'll be shooting all of these with my cell phone and there for they are more important then yours.

These are just a few helpful things I'll be doing to make your day more enjoyable.

you have all the time in the world, don't you?

Good Morning Guys!

John and I are soo soo (2 'soo soo's' means my twat is REALLY soo soo wet, in case you were wondering) very excited that we have now squared away all our vendors and our "dream team" is now complete! I wanted to take this opportunity to make some formal intorductions ("intorductions"?....you dopey ass bitch---try spell check!!) and ask you both out for a drink/small bite to eat :)

(Sister - listen to me and listen to me good: if i'm wasting my Saturday to meet with you to go over stupid bullshit we can do over the phone - it had better be more than some fucking 'bites to eat'--I wanna see a fucking lobster crawling at me with the fear of God as well as a boiling pot of water in it's eyes...)

Jim "meet" Scott, Scott "meet" Jim.

(oh ---how fucking cute---now everybody knows everyones else..now we can all have a foursome!)

I wanted to ask you both if you'd be available on a Saturday/Sunday in July to meet each other and go over with us how the wedding day should go and to let you guys know final locations/addresses/contacts.

(Since I know it's the goddamn summer and nobody has any fucking thing else to do than hang out with us and discuss out fucking wedding day ad nauseaum. I mean---couldn't you simply talk about it all day over, and over, and over, and over--- isn't it the FUNNEST thing EVER?)

Jim ,I know you'd probably be taking the train into Grand Central and Scott I believe you said you're over in Queens so we're going to stay over on the east side. As you both know John is a pastry chef and works on Saturdays/Sundays so we'll meet at his restaurant most likely around 2:30pm on a Saturday or Sunday that works for you both.

(Isn't that timing perfect? And honestly- what could EITHER of you have to do other than meet us on a Saturday and swab my dripping wedding-agitated-pussy with napkins at my fiancees restaurant?)

(He just want to make sure, are we meeting at the restaurant or should I be looking for another place for us to all meet? I know you can't be away from the kitchen for too long. Let us all know by replying to all of us)

(yeah you know - how about we skip this fucking charade and I see you the wedding day, you wacky bitch?)

Can you please let us know what your availability is the next couple of Saturdays/Sundays in July? Thanks so much!

(Hmmm ? Lets see---summertime--- maybe I want to spend it at home with my wife or girlfriend? Or go to dinner...or a movie? Or simply lie on the sofa with my hand scratching my ball sack---No, actually...I'd rather come to YOU on a fucking weekend and waste the entire day at your dickhead fiancees pastry shop, you inconsiderate cunt)

Jim, we'd also like to schedule our engagement pictures last two weeks in July, Mon/Tuesdays work for us, just let us know if you have time to do it then.

Thanks a million guys. Can't wait to hear from you! :) So excited to get this party started :)

(Oh yes Susan - we and all your vendors are on the edge of our seats for what is bound to be the Event Of The Season. We are certain that it will be anything unlike the 30 other muthafucking similar weddings we shall attend this coming year. Gosh your's will be so unique---so different...we can all hardly stop pissing out panties with excitement. Why AS A MATTER OF FACT---I think I may have just cum in my pants)

Susan

Be subtle--but actually don't be.

Dear Generic Hired Hand- I was wondering if there's any way to see a picture from our engagement session last month....my mom and future-mom in law keep asking me and a great shot will make them happy! No super rush on the rest since I know you're busy, but eventually we will see them all and get to compile into a coffee table book after they stop finger their pussies.

Also, I started compiling a list of a few shots which I thought might be helpful on the big day. Hope it's ok! (although I doubt it is)

- engraving in rings

- 3 rings in cool setting - on dish (it has our initials and date), on strings of guitar? (woweee! rings on a muthafucking DISH!!! A DISH!!!I have NEVER seen anything like that in my entire life---can't fucking wait!)

- having make-up done

- pearls (dangling off fingers or hanging out of my cunt?)

- shoes

- gown hanging

- being zipped up by mom into hideous seen-it-last week David's Bridal cheapass satin dress

- getting ready in the mirror

- bouquet

- family wedding photos (table of our grandparents' photos) Because soon they will drop dead

- my mind-blowing table setting! There will be flowers!! and a fucking candle!!! WOW!!! Don't miss these magazine worthy details, you overpriced piece of shit!

- poor, sad groom getting boutonniere pinned on, something else cute like this with his dad, who you know - really couldn't care less

- me and my gals before wedding both outside and in....there are some great nooks and cool couches for some more artistic shots inside (Imagine us sitting on a couch---I can hardly stand it!)

- sad, nauseous, pathetic groom waiting for bride on the porch

- groom, ready-to-overdose, watching bride come down 'aisle' (I put AISLE in quotes as it's not really an AISLE but some magical walkway i have dreamt of since I was 2 years old, lying in bed fingering my coolie)

- dad giving his bitchy, unimaginative, demanding daughter away

- at "altar" exchanging vows (I put ALTAR in quotes since we're not really at an ALTAR, but a fake one on the fucking, imaginary wedding planet I live on)

- rings being passed (we're doing a pass of the rings between all guests where they each say a line about us/getting married. That should only take about 3 fucking hours, if everyone hasn't slit their goddamn throats by the end)

- parents watching ceremony - eyes glazed like donuts, as dad thinks about the total cost for this sham.

- the kiss!

- groomsman reading some meaningless poem, which shall be forgotten moments afterwards

- couples pics right after wedding

- of course all family members together, separate, and in every conceivable, useless, repetitive, never-to-be-ordered configuration under gods blazing sun.

- having apps on porch

- "first dance" on the porch (also a fantasy - not really a DANCE, obviously , as it appears in quotes)

- beginning of dinner ( cuz everyone wants pix of people eating rubbery chicken )

And lastly, I don't even need to say this because you have been so incredibly artistic and unobtrusive already (but since i STILL have to tell you how to do your fucking job) .....but I went to a wedding yesterday with 3 shooters and all I heard was clicking through the ceremony. I know you will get all the requested shots but be subtle at the same time!

I see---so get all my fucking, ridiculous, wedding-magazine-fantasy driven demands---but oh! YES!! Be unobtrusive!!! You can do all that right? I may also ask you to balance plates on your head and juggle fucking watermelons. Thanks you- dear, Hired Vendor.

See you in less than a week.

Sincerely,

Cunty MacTawtty

Cher. Schlitz. Cocks and plaster

[ a post sent in by a beloved reader]

I've come to realize a long time ago, you really can't judge a person by their family members, whether immediate or extended – as it’s not always the brides fault what hellhole she was reared in.

A few weeks ago pre-wedding, I get a call from the Bride who says, "Hello Mr. Photographer - I just wanted to give you a heads up that my Dad hired 2 of his own Wedding Photographers for the Wedding." WTF???

Promptly I respond: "Dear Missy Bride- to-be, you do realize that the first clause of your contract indicates that it is understood that I am the sole professional photographer for the wedding, right?"

So now I start thinking; okay, perhaps the couple wasn't happy with their engagement session images, so I tell her: "If you and Husband to be weren't happy with my work, I would be glad to terminate the contract without penalty." - "Miss Bride responds - oh no, we love your work, its just that my family is totally fucked up" - Uhhhh,OK.

I say, "I have no problem with anyone taking images at the reception and such, but it will cause a nightmare at the church and during formals as no one will know where to look, etc, yada, yada"

Okay now, on to the Wedding that which crawled from Within Satan’s Asshole

I arrive a bit early at the Salon on Saturday morning and everything seems to be going "normal" - as I enter the Salon I promptly go over to the Bride and have that early-morning-never-slept-last-night conversation and she introduces me to a few of the girls. By no means are two of them anything I really need to be pointing my lens at, cuz during post editing I would have a nightmare with the one chick's pepperoni-zit-splattered fucking face; and there is no way I can ever make this other chick NOT look like a man, no matter how much RAM i have in my computer.

Time to meet meet Zombie-Mom - ya know the over bleached blonde hair down to her ass, more rolls than the fucking Pillsbury do-boy, all in a sad attempt to turn someone's eye - that low cut blouse showing nothing but zit infested teats, not to mention the shoe leather skin from years of attempting to bronze her moon shaped ass in the golden fucking sun. I think to myself, I already know what this lady will be wearing, it will be some weird ass out of the ordinary-never-worn-by any other human being before Loehman’s Special type of dress - you know exactly the kind I am talking about, don't you?

So I do my thing at the Salon and say goodbye to everyone and head over to the Brides house -- and let me say Stephen King would jizz his pants over this place, as the only thing that seemed to be missing was Gomez and Fester. I see the flowers and bouquet on a dimly lit (what I assume to be some sort of dining room table) - I grab the bouquet and begin searching for a room with some fucking daylight in it - I walk around the corner and head into the kitchen and HOLY FUCKING SCARE THE SHIT out of me, I blurt out "there's a DAMN ROOSTER in the kitchen!!!" I hear someone say, "I'll put him outside. "YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT YOU WILL - nearly gave me a heart attack as I rounded the corner and hear that loud ass rooster making noise, Jesus. Why oh why, for the love of god, is a rooster inside the house? I finally find a table in the living room, and after blowing off years of dust, lay down the bouquet and get my goddamn shot.

As I begin to walk up to the bedroom, I couldn't believe my fucking eyes, there is a HUGE MUTHA FUCKING chunk of ceiling missing, so big that I could clearly see the room upstairs - I mean the size of the whole had to literally be 4' or 5' square, and I am now going to be very cautious of where I step, last thing I need to do is fall thru the fucking floor. Perhaps they're installing a spiral staircase? Or perhaps they are simply po' White Trash. Going with the 2nd idea, I go into the brides bedroom and there is just shit everywhere, I mean every-fucking-where, I don't know how long ago they painted their room that bright ass canary yellow (that they MUST have gotten a deal on) but clearly they left the blue fucking masking tape at every trim point as they planned on doing more painting. There was so much shit on the floor, that I am not even sure how the fuck to describe it. (for a better idea, check out 'Hoarders' on A&E tv...) I find the brides obviously ‘not even what I would call gently-used shoes’ and look at the heel first thing. They are those cheap satiny shoes, and her heel has been frayed so badly that I couldn't even imagine Photoshop the muthafuckers to make them look better. They looked like something left over from some old friggin drag queens box of goodies. Bitch – get your cheap ass to Payless for fucks sake. The pearl necklace and earrings were obviously new; so most likely stolen or borrowed. I then come across a bracelet that I swear was older than fucking freedom. I mean, couldn't you at least de-tarnish the thing, you trashy cunt?

Now I get the dress and I am going in every room trying to figure out where to hang the fucking thing and finally settle on the doorway with the masking tape. I would have taken the dress outside, but the evil rooster was back again watching my every move preparing to eat my eyeballs, if it had the chance.

Bride to be finally arrives back at the house, I grab a couple quick shots of her, then I see this great big window letting in the most beautiful light and I have her sit on the stairs for a moment, but the blinds aren't open enough, so I ask her if I could pull the blinds up, she says yes and JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ARE YOU KIDDING ME… A huge-ass chunk of plaster comes falling down on my head and right shoulder exploding into plaster dust. I looked like someone busted open a 100lb bag of flour all over me as the shit hit my camera as well. I was so fucking pissed, but politely said - oops, sorry about that; bride says, “We're slowly fixing things up” – REALLY? KEEP ON WORKING, SISTER.

I position the bride, do my thing and now I wanna shoot down at her, so I have her go down the stairs - as I am framing her, I see there are fucking smiley faces written on the fucking wall, are you kidding me, who the fuck puts smiley faces on their walls and leaves it there? I;m glad your happy on your special fucking day, but there are other ways to express your joy than drawing happy faces on the way.

I use the upstairs bathroom to do my business before the church, and I really wanted to flush that toilet afterwards, but was just so damn afraid something disastrous would happen with the plumbing I just wanted to get the hell out of there, so left my golden yellow deposit remaining for all to see.

I am done here, I've had enough – though still wondering who the fuck keeps roosters indoors... So I proceed across the street to the church, chat with the groom and his men, and we go inside to take a few shots. Suddenly, the 125 year old 6'4" priest busts his fucking ass, I mean goes completely falls down and the entire floor shakes. I wanted to grab a shot, but after all I was in church and didn't want to see Hill Billy Jesus when I pass on.

Remember I mentioned the two pro photographers (not one, but TWO!) the brides Dad hired, well I get introduced then to whom I termed "beach girl" and "prozac-tified" --- seriously now, you are shooting a wedding with your Tonka Toy Fisher Price point and fucking shoot camera in blue shorts and rainbow-brite halter top (naturally,no bra) and flip-fucking-flops. I’m sorry, are we at the beach? A circus? Put those damn sad tits away and go get dressed you moron.

Groom says, “this is my photographer, if he doesn't want you any where you don't go there, understand?” which actually kinda scared me, but they didn't go into the church after all. The dopey bridesmaids practically run down the aisle in this tiny school bus sized church, I can barely grab a shot. Ceremony happens, and priest announces the couple as “husband and wife” and Uncle Fester in the audience yells out, (I don't mean mumbles, I mean fucking yells) "Ha-ha dude you're fucked now!!!!" - the place gets real quiet and the priest quickly cracks a joke to break the silence. Unbelieveable.

No we head to a barn to do formals (kinda figures, right? To continue the crumbling barnyard theme of the day) - it was a nice enough barn and there were no cocks running around…or other wildlife. Formals go pretty much okay, except I need to tell Mother of the Bride to put down her can of Schlitz a few times.

I get to the reception and the couple is introduced and "beach-girl" and "prozac-tified" are shooting the couple and I'm not sure what "prozac-tified" was actually shooting, as her camera was by her stomach-- face was no where near the viewfinder, but she sure as hell kept firing it.

The rest of the reception just gets stupid, the DJ is an entertainer type of guy full with giant, oversized super-hilarious foam rubber cowboy hats, blonde wigs, dark wigs, he played the guitar, sang, it was a regular old freak show - I did manage to grab some video with my iPhone and posted the horrors to YouTube.

At one point all of the guys (mind you they are wore kilts) have some gizmo on them big cowboy hats, blonde wigs, construction hats, for a minute I thought it was a fucking Gay Pride parade, as they were all up their singing songs. Did I mention the DJ put on pink tights with a Cher-like wig and started singing "Close to you"? Oh yes. Yes, he did.

Father of the Bride, now termed ‘Peter Pan’ by me, was graciously floating thru the air every five minutes throwing rose petals over anyone who was on the dance floor. What a fucking mess. In between distributing rose petals, he requests a huge entire family photo which he quickly assembled---but what did they do? They all stick their 'fuck-u' finger at me - are you kidding me???!!! There are 3 young children for crying out loud - I was like, "Can we at least take the kids out?" He says, "hell no, they are part of this family!!" This is probably a minor incident in these kids lives when you think about it--STILL---someone call DCF, please.

The night ended with the world’s tallest black homosexual I have ever met singing karaoke to Michael Jackson's Billy Jean sporting a Fedora and a stunning Feather Boa. Work your props, Black Sista'!!

Am I dreaming, or have I truly crawled into hell right through Satan’s asshole? Nope - I am indeed slithering around satan's colon.

Have a Beautiful life, you lucky newlyweds!

a camera is a new thing and time travel

......at en event the other day while photographing a family, the mother discovered that I had been at a similar event the evening before.

"OH! You were at THAT too?"

"Yes!" I answer.

"Are the photos online yet?"

"Uhhh, It ended at midnight..." I said frowning.

"Ahhh well..."- she says, "I guess i'll let it slide THIS time."

Seriously? I am considering researching the mind-transfer of images immediately online , similar to Jeff Goldblum in The Fly, so these fucking cunts can be satisfied. Maybe I can even get the images online BEFORE I take them..how would that suit you, sister? Better for you? More convenient for you to view in between Botox injections?

Oh wait--you will be one of those that badger me for images and then wait a year to order a single 4x6. HipHipHurray - i can go buy a Snickers bar with your generous purchase.

ON another note - at the same event...and i KNOW that I have mentioned this before - just as I go to take the shot, the Zanax'd up Mom blankly looks at me and says "Where should I look?"

thats right:

Where

Should

I

Fucking

Look

I mean - is THIS what she was seeing in her prescription drug induced haze?:

Is it 18 fucking 39? For fucks sake - you look at the FUCKING CAMERA YOU DIZZY BITCH!!!

Jesus, mary and joseph--- I swear sometimes i think the world is ending one dummy at a time.